Going offline....

Ive been pretty offline for the past week...somethings been up and i havent felt grounded or totally 'here'...eating eggs and cheese and potatoes in a burrito?? what the hell was going on!!!! its so frustrating at times and i just get angry at myself for having to make it so hard sometimes...its hard for me to deal with the fact that right before something major comes up i have some sort of break-down to break-through point...different each time but similar in concept....is it the resistance right before a big piece is about to leave? my bodies final attempt to keep it?

I feel like this happens once a month to me - hormones? maybe i need to eat large quantities of MACA! maybe i just need to acknowledge that it could be just hormone shifts and not 'terrible and depressing'...

I need to work on new teachings for this...anyone got any suggestions? anyone think it maybe just hormonal? or anything else?

i just feel kind of defeated and like a fool and tired again - i mean i did get some huge pieces up and out and touched a lot that i havent gotten to before...and there just must be an easier way....

Food Memories....yum.....

i feel you rebecca...

there was this famous kosher deli in manhattan called 2nd avenue deli - the most AMAZING corned beef, chopped liver, matzoh ball soup, hot dogs with potato salad....oh my god mmmm...i still salivate over its memory.....some of my most favorite memories occurred in and around this restaurant family dinners every cold every quickie father daughter meal took place there...just about the time i stopped eating meat they scandalously lost their lease after 40 years!!!...i couldnt believe it i thought i would die....all of the memories were dead just like my dad is what i thought...i was so angry...

but there were also other city restaurants like this italian place in little italy every birthday weekend etc we spent there...we knew the owners we were home there....they had the best baked gnocci in the entire world!!

and the hungarian pastry shop and and and ......there were these places we had that were ours just 'ours'...unfortunately, or fortunately a lot of those old spots closed in manhattan so i had to learn to get over it... or at least accept it...i mean i could go on forever about these hot onion rolls at Ratner's a restaurant where the waiters were all like 100...

before i left to come here my mother and i were talking about food...shes trying to get back on raw (shes been off for a while) we reviewed every bite we'd eaten every memory (there were hundreds and we could almost taste it all again ---we were salivating!) from our 'restaurants'...then she looked at me and said 'you know, ive been thinking it wasnt so much the food that kept us going back' we were both like DUH! of course it was the feeling that was so important....the feeling we had in these places the love that we felt the fights we had the atmosphere....it was the food that brought us together but it wasnt the food that gave love or passion or anger or laughter..... it was just us....

one of my most most favorite memories: my high school graduation trip venice the 'most amazing restaurant ever' i remember that it was the 'best food' i had ever tasted....in reality....it was one of the only dinners that we didnt have some major fight catastrophe argument in fact we laughed the entire night we all drank wine we talked we listened...it was one of those magic evenings one you want to hold onto forever...the food passed through eventually in that case....

unfortunately what we do is lock those amazing memories (or horrible ones as i have an equal amount of horrible embarrassing gorging disgusting food memories) into the food so we trick our bodies to think those bites that felt good or nourished us or helped us forget or ignore are the emotion itself....talk about lost children i mean ive found A TON of lost feelings with food as theyve come up and out with the colonics and cleanses...its absolutely insane how that works! seriously some food that weve locked in with a memory is LITERALLY stuck in time in our intestinal tract.

so rebecca call that spaghetti girl back.....keep the girl and ditch the spaghetti!
i have a lot of food ive done this with..still more to go...mines sushi now....so so so hard to let go of...its not about depriving though...as long as im clear i feel ok about making a decision about whether or not to eat exactly what i want...if you are clear on spaghetti then eat it! but i think youll find once youve addressed it the spaghetti loses its magic hold....

i can make a 10 page list of things that had that magic hold on me that i swore i would never never give up....

From Romedy

I am still having problems getting into Google. They're sending me my password yet again but I've waited and I still don't have it. I'm sending this to you to post if you want to.

Thanks for the apple cider tip. I'll try it and see what happens.R

And my suggestion would be to take "clear communication" to your mesa, and see what is going on when you ask that question.