Getting back to real Intuitive Eating

I guess I should begin by simply saying - I started eating meat again.

Over this past year any time I saw meat I would have this very split reaction. My body was like please please my mind was like barf no. A few weeks before I left New York it just became really clear to me that I needed to listen to my body and not my mind on this one. I just had been feeling so sick and so weak and after having a few long talks with my acupuncturist/energy healer friend I went for it. After one of our sessions I ran directly to whole foods and got a small piece of filet mignon that I had the butcher cut in small bit sized pieces. I took it home but something huge must have been releasing because instead of cooking it I stuck in in the fridge then I fell on the bed and cried harder than I had in while - for about an hour or more then passed out. It was pretty amazing what came up -- it was about needing to be taken care of and listened to and nourished...all things that this 'meat' seemed to represent, the listening when I needed to make a change, the honoring the new place I was in, and the respecting and trusting the process. The next day I woke up feeling weak but better and cooked the meat with garlic and olive oil. My body was like thank YOU!!!!! It didnt feel strange it felt right.

Since then Ive had meat here and there and also some chicken/turkey. For me this has been a reminder to follow that intuition and not to get attached to any identity. In this past few months I had been looking over why I dropped meat from my diet and began asking myself if the same needs then applied now. Every reason I came up with were mental reasons and self-judgements. 'How could I eat animals again, Im gross' --'What will people think' -- 'Why cant I nourish myself without having to eat meat' -- 'Maybe Im just being lazy and not doing the work I need to really address the nutritional needs Im having - If I did I could be way more nourished and not have to resort to eating meat'.

There were many voices around me - these self-judging punishing voices. Then there was me...the me that was begging to really be heard and freed from any restrictions in either direction with diet and all things...that me is much happier now having released those judgements and allowed myself the freedom to reconnect with my intuition and to trust and grow.

Its funny too - growing up kosher (an extremely restrictive diet with lots of 'rules') I would always watch my dad who preached all these rules about respect for food then would raid through a drawer of candy...I was like what a crock! Moderation and respect for food my ass!

Anyway letting all those rules and restrictions go feels good and has created so much more space inside me and all around...Made me understand that what worked then may not work now and that more than ok :).

Huge teachings and openings around 'being flexible'.

Stagnation!

I had a really amazing acupuncture/energy session from a good friend of mine a few days ago. I hadnt had any work done with someone in a while I kept hearing I needed work but of course Ive been in this strange relationship with myself recently sort of putting off what I know I need to do to take care of myself (allowing myself to get into depleated zone NOT OK!) --- anyway I realized I was long overdue with all the work I had been doing with myself. I noticed I was cursing more and was edgy and irritable, things around seemed to not be moving not be shifting and i was getting PISSED! I was reminded during that session about stagnation and how bowels really have to move. So important...my liver was being effected too - anyway released a lot and going back tuesday and wednesday - before I come to salt lake! ill be there on the 7th! Lets please please try to get together this time ok! Even just for a fun dinner I feel like I need to see all of you together!

gentle with this heart of mine....

well i am here in salt lake....and getting healthy after that nasty cold...! wanted to thank you guys for posting ideas about that 'waiting' 'in between' thing...and rebecca thanks for the insight about the shadow of old me...i was looking at it as a test but it feels better to think of it like a passerby...

i have a mitral valve prolapse and i keep forgetting that...also that there is a whole 'syndrome' that goes along with it...i hate to attach to syndromes so i 'forgot' about the MVP sort of ignored it...but a lot of the symptoms are explainable and if i can just accept that this is whats going on i
can work on healing it and not go crazy each time one of these symptoms comes up...this cold gave me the opportunity to look at all of the symptoms individually...it was different than last years cold in that way...i could isolate and check out each thing happening sort of like individual musicians in an orchestra....it makes a lot of sense now that i remembered the MVP....i had 3 people practically slap me with very random MVP comments and i was looking at them like a deer in headlights....duh those were for me...have to focus more on whats coming in ---theres so much all the time its been hard to be discerning and know whats what when!! also have to remember to be gentle with myself...

anyway hope you guys are well and hope to see you all soon!

Almost my 1 year anniversary....

So its been almost a year (march) since I made that choice to live - to be conscious to love myself take care of myself and live my magic my wildest dreams...and in true 'old' lauren form I guess ive decided to ring in the year anniversary with a nasty cold...the last severe one like this was in march last yr and that was when i said enough...it was the type of cold i got almost once a month a flu one that debilitated me kept and at times kept me in bed in tears aching and sore unable to breathe begging my parents not to take me to the hospital....last night was the first time i was clear for days and i kept seeing visions of all of the times i had been sick like 'this'---what was it that i was afraid of? there were times i thought i would die for sure...even as a little child i thought im going to sleep and im not going to wake up....i talked to my mom this morning reviewing several of these moments... remembering her fear and remembering me pretending not to be as sick as i was so she wouldnt worry or think it was her fault....last night i asked to see what i saw then what it was that scared me or worried me...and i watched myself float above the bed i was sick in so many times i saw the whole scene my very pink room (ug pink? did i really choose that! no wonder -like linda- i hate CUTE now!!) anyway i saw myself being taken by the hand of what seemed like an angel in these clouds to a playground with all of these kids...as i was getting ready to run and play i heard a voice say its not your time then something like you have a lot to do or you have a lot of life to live...ok so maybe last night i was feverish and going crazy but i do believe that this was a familiar scene...something i saw and felt each time i was really sick....

i think whether or not this was something that happened is a dumb question...i kept rattling it around last night what is it that im supposed to see is this when i began talking to dead people? seeing angels? was i going to die all those times? were those my near-deaths? or high fevers? new question is so what does this mean to me now?.... I HAVE A LOT OF LIFE TO LIVE. I think these past few weeks i forgot that....i kept buying new stones for my mesa trying to move things around asking why why why? but getting no answer....i felt something was really off...i felt it and i ignored it masked it danced around it but couldnt get to it....i ignored my body that was CLEARLY showing me what i needed...blueberries apple cider vinegar blue green algae, etc, etc....i IGNORED IT ALL!!! DUH!!!! i ask now why was i punishing myself???

i know what my dreams are these wild dreams ive had since childhood...ones ive dreamt for years ones ive started to realize now are real....! i dont know if i just thought hmm this is just a holding pattern until i get back to salt lake so lets just wait around and ignore whats coming in...what the hell was i waiting for? in these weeks ive done a lot of amazing things but ive also shut out my body intuition --- almost saying screw off until it was too late...? i watched my hair fall out break off my skin go completely rough and scaly the yeast come back and i just let it all go??

why did i not act when i heard these voices? why wasnt i listening? what was i afraid of? moving forward? i still dont know yet...the thing is i know better....ive done this for 27 years this game of ignoring? this year is different...this is my year of magical listening. so why did i stop a few weeks shy of my anniversary? i mean its been rocky this year but i havent let it go this far...i havent gotten sick like this? listening.....when i listen i know everything is possible again...i forgot that...ive taken better care of myself these past few days near death feeling than i have in the past few weeks? why did i wait to get this worn out to be kind to me?

what is this year pre-anniversary lesson...?

Wrong Questions - Missing the Signals

I just sent this to joy in an email and realized i should share it...

ive sort of stopped eating....im not hungry and nothing is satisfying me....i eat only because i think if not im starving myself or ill get really weak ...but its really that i dont know what i want to eat and no cravings...so i wrote what feeds me/ nourishes me on the top of my notes today and im meditating on that....i mean i am hungry sort of but nothing feels good....green juice- greens always work...other than that i dont know....a friend of mine says if your not hungry you just dont eat---and wait and eventually you will something is working out... its sort of a strange belief that if we dont eat we will die or starve...were so used to having to eat or being told to eat that we dont think about what the body needs....im so used to just eating because i guess i should or im bored or its 'lunch time' -i actually i just feel like i could drink some clear protein soup...maybe my body is just needing something light now....?

i think if it was warmer out i wouldnt be having such a problem---ITS SO COLD...oh but thats an excuse... i feel too lazy to make something...or eat...but maybe im just not really listening to my body? imagining its some problem when its just saying rest and drink clear soup and greens!!!!! ok thats what im going to do now....im thinking something is wrong when im just missing the signals....duh.....!!!

so the right question is why am i doubting the signals im getting and why do i immediately assume there must be something wrong? I mean I feel fine...im just not very hungry? so why am i making something out of nothing?

Should I be supplementing

The question came up in class last night, in response to a comment I made about reading that Vegans and Raw Foodists in the US tend to be more healthy than in the UK or Europe, and that the premise was that we supplement more here.

When this question was posed Lauren and I both said "Yes" automatically, and we then all had a discussion to which Pam said "Aren't we going to get our nutrients from all this food? And again I heard myself say "yes!"

So which is it? Supplement or not? As we played with that, it comes down to being all about what we FEEL from our bodies telling us. Listening to our bodies. Not the articles, not the research. I can post research about the amazing things that certain fruits and seeds and living foods do for us, and ultimately we listen to our bodies and know that if we find that goji berries taste wonderful, so be it.

Kathy said it when she was loving the raw coconut and said "Wow, I must really be needing something in this because it tastes WONDERFUL!" Yep. The body responds right back to us with grateful THANK YOUS.

I mentioned that I added some calcium because my legs told me to, and I'm not getting enough greens I know. So, I want to make a point of that in the next few days. I ate at Omar's last night, and woke feeling amazing! It's because of the greens.

Lauren mentioned drinking raw egg yolks because of a dream, and noticing that when she followed through with that she felt better.

That's your engagement with supplements. Ask your body and listen. Notice if you start craving coconuts suddenly, or avocados, because it may well be your body craving nutrition. We have been trained to not trust our body, or its cravings, and we want to start eating naturally.