just catching up here!

It has been a very interesting few weeks for me here. Sorry I disappeared but its been non-stop and its finally slowing down. Ive been sorting again like persephone getting my apt. ready to be rented going through and reducing the clutter. I have someone coming Monday to see the place a possible subletter so send good juju please! When all goes well (heehee like that) I will be heading out to salt lake for at least 2 months for now.

So some very strange things have happened over these past few weeks all which have a similar theme which hit me between the eyes after the 3rd thing clicked in here goes:

1) i had to go to my storage unit to get something. I didnt really felt good about having my space in the basement of this storage facility but i thought what the heck. I got downstairs and there was another lock on my door. Long story short when i was waiting upstairs for them to cut the luck I heard very clearly well this is what you said right? You wanted to get rid of all of your stuff? I didnt know what I had decided - I knew once they opened the door I would fins out what I had chosen if the stuff was there or stolen. Well it seems I had decided to keep it although i wanted a shake up - so not sure still if anythings officially gone but it was moved a bit (have yet to go file a police report). Anyway larger lesson though was when the manager although being really nice just was matter of factly saying ok file a report and thats that. I kept saying this is not ok - we have a contract and this is not ok.

2) In regards to all of my mouth and teeth issues - i went to the dentist the other day (and exactly as I had seen it) under my crown was all rotten so CA i feel you - all the teeth around had cavities top and bottom from these two teeth issues --- get this the contact was off. Just a mere tiny thing, the contact being ever so slightly off and all of this other stuff came in, the periodontal issues the bleeding, the mirroring on the opposite side. My dentist admitted full culpability during the appt saying none of it was my fault it was all the contact. Anyway when it came time to pay the bill she said 'ok so for tooth 1 were giving you a 1400 porcelain machine milled filling for the price of a composite filling at 250'. She continued to do this with the 3 other teeth and then said one was full price. So 2500$ later i basically was 'eating' the cost of her mistake not to mention all the health swings this year from this mistake. I kept hearing this little lauren voice though going 'lauren dont look a gift horse in the mouth'. I left feeling like not only had I not gotten a bargain but that i was being somehow asked to swallow this crap down and feel awesome about it- we had a contract and she didnt hold up her end of the deal.

3) My super finally finished the work however it looks like a shotty job. He kept apologizing when he was leaving for all of the things that had gone wrong his wifes past cancer the weather the world everything - and I really felt for him he was trying really hard and i know shit happens. Anyway when he left I looked around and thought you know this is not ok. We had a deal and I cant imagine he would ever leave a park avenue apt job looking as rough as this. It just looks rough. And no matter what went wrong I cant imagine someone just accepting this mediocrity or pretending its ok. If I were to sell the apt now Id have to hire someone to come in and do finishing work so it looks acceptable.

So what have I gotten from these three lessons. So there were many there but a main theme was I have been accepting, eating, and allowing things that didnt feel right or ok from myself and others for a very long time. I see things from many sides and can really empathize with others situations (including mine) but thats not an excuse to allow something that doesnt feel right knowing that i feel shitty about it. That has been mapped in over and over - others situations and circumstances are more important than mine. I felt bad in each of these cases because I kept thinking they are trying there best and they havent purposefully done something to create this now negative result. Anyway im resolving all three this week. I am going to the storage place this week filing a police report and a formal complaint and asking to be moved to a new unit with at least one month free. With the dentist Im asking that I not pay for any of the work and be reimburssed for all of the painful periodontal disease cleanings ive had the past few months that cost so much that were a direct result of the poor work on my two teeth. With my super Im having him come in and finish the job properly at his time and cost. Some harder pieces too were owning all the times ive done this and forgiving myself all around.

So cant say it hasnt been interesting...and these were just three example events its been like this for a bit now, but getting lessons loud and clear. Ive been working on myself with all the subtle lessons too from all of this and I do feel really good like years and years of release and understanding and forgiveness are washing over.