Monday, April 30, 2007

Another cudo for MJ

Marijuana May Fight Lung Tumors
Cannabis Compound Slows Cancer Spread in Mice, Researchers Say
By Charlene Laino
WebMD Medical News
Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

April 17, 2007 (Los Angeles) -- Cannabis may be bad for the lungs, but the active ingredient in marijuana may help combat lung cancer, new research suggests.
In lab and mouse studies, the compound, known as THC, cut lung tumor growth in half and helped prevent the cancer from spreading, says Anju Preet, PhD, a Harvard University researcher in Boston who tested the chemical.
While a lot more work needs to be done, “the results suggest THC has therapeutic potential,” she tells WebMD.
Moreover, other early research suggests the cannabis compound could help fight brain, prostate, and skin cancers as well, Preet says.
The findings were presented at the annual meeting of the American Association for Cancer Research.
The finding builds on the recent discovery of the body’s own cannabinoid system, Preet says. Known as endocannabinoids, the natural cannabinoids stimulate appetite and control pain and inflammation.
THC seeks out, attaches to, and activates two specific endocannabinoids that are present in high amounts on lung cancer cells, Preet says. This revs up their natural anti-inflammatory properties. Inflammation can promote the growth and spread of cancer.
In the new study, the researchers first demonstrated that THC inhibited the growth and spread of cells from two different lung cancer cell lines and from patient lung tumors. Then, they injected THC into mice that had been implanted with human lung cancer cells. After three weeks, tumors shrank by about 50%, compared with tumors in untreated mice.
Preet notes that animals injected with THC seem to get “high,” showing signs of clumsiness and getting the munchies. “You would expect to see the same thing in humans, so if this work does pan out, getting the dose right is going to be all important,” she says.
Paul B. Fisher, PhD, a professor of clinical pathology at Columbia University, says that though the work is “interesting,” it’s still very early.
“The issue with using a drug of this type becomes the window of concentration that will be effective. Can you physiologically achieve what you want without causing unwanted effects?” he tells WebMD.

MACA Information



Similar to a radish, and stored like ginseng for up to 7 years when dried, Maca is a root like vegetable from...PERU! Again! Yep, here we go again.

Vi used to push ChacaMaca balls a few years ago. They were chocolate balls with maca in them, wrapped in foil. She LOVED them. Swore they made you feel good. I didn’t notice much, so I wasn’t convinced. But how do we use it raw? And why exactly?

It only grows at really high elevations-up to 15,000 feet. Natives use it for food and medicine. Promotes endurance, vitality (I am flashing to the image of those sturdy little compact people living way up there definitely putting us to shame with our huffing and puffing…

Feeding mice maca seems to have tripled the male sexual drive-wow. It enhances sexual desire. Hmmmm. I recall Don Manual saying with a twinkle “the bark may be old but the wood is mighty” and he was in his 90s then! They call it Peru’s natural Viagra. Ok chalk another one up for PERU and their food. Yeehaa. No wonder it was “highly revered by the Incas”!

It has 10% protein, and 60% carbohydrate as well as fatty acids. Good mix for raw us. And something they called “macaenes” and “macamides” which give it the sexy zip! Sounds like a country song…or punk rock?

It’s high in potassium, and has higher levels of calcium than cow’s milk. AND it’s an adaptogen which means it adapts to the body.

How do we get it into our raw diets though? Well in Peru, Maca isn’t a supplement. It’s food. Simple. And that’s what we are doing. Simple. They seem to mix it into anything you would use a flour for.

“At several booths, women were making maca blender drinks. Maca roots soaked in jars of water, and the tables were laden with all the ingredients for a drink. The typical shake includes a couple of soaked maca roots and a little bit of the soak water, a handful of fresh papaya (trucked up from the warm lowlands), some condensed milk, an egg, honey and vanilla, all put together with vigor and smiles. I asked a number of people why they used maca, but one woman stands out in my mind. She smiled at my question and replied, "Well, for the sex, of course."” I can't remember the site I got that quote from or I would link to it. Anyway!

Toss a tbs in a blender drink and enjoy it daily…hmmm…Tony DID say he would do some raw with me…he’ll never know what hit him.

Here’s a maca mixed drink called- The Bullet ride: maca, purple corn and rum! What’s purple corn?

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Magnesium

I've noticed lately that ever so slightly my calf muscles are starting to get that RLS thing again. Not alot, and not bad, but it's a twitchy feeling every now and then. I hated it before, and I haven't had it for a more than a year. And the last few nights I've been rocking in bed too. Again, not alot. I'm really sensitive to sounds and keep asking T to turn the tv down, but he cranks it way up. The most bothersome thing though is still this ache in my thighbones.

Taken one at a time, I can attribute them all to other things. But being raw, I'm more observant of myself. I finally
'asked', "what do these all have in common? and then heard clearly-

Low Magnesium. They are! SMACK. I haven't been taking my Mg supplements. There's some in my Calcium, but frankly since my bowels are so functional on raw, I lowered my Mg. (It relaxes muscles, which is what your intestines primarily are right?)Eating a high protein diet depletes Mg, which is why I used to take alot, so when I went raw-ish, I dropped it slowly.

I realized that my bones are depleted in Mg.Everyone talks about the importance of Calcium for good bones, but did you realize that your bones also need Mg? The bones STORE 53% of the magnesium your body has, then muscles, then soft tissue, and only 1% of the total Mg in your body is stored in the blood.

Researchers have found low Mg in asthmatics, and low Mg in Parkinson's and ALZ patients. Diabetics need MORE Mg because Mg is involved with the production and transportation of insulin. Mg is essential for heart - well it's a muscle right? Makes sense. i knew all this. I wonder why I stopped taking it? I wasn't paying attention.

I've been craving: kelp-it is the highest dietary source of Mg.
Wheat bran is next, then sunflower seeds. Shrimp are high on the list, and nuts, including brazil nuts which I suddenly bought and have been eating. Down the bottom is eggs, lettuce, celery and carrots but they are there!

So the last two nights I took Mg before bed. My legs still have some ache when I go up the stairs, but at about half of what they were. I'm thrilled. If anyone else has noticed bone pain, aches, or any of the other symptoms mentioned above, try adding Mg at bedtime. I've added 500mg. This is on top of what is in my Cal-Mg.

In case you weren't aware of this, the very best time to take your Ca supplement is at bedtime. I also take a Vit D:
low Vit D causes low calcium, and low Mg causes low Calcium and you need Vit D to absorb Calcium. They work hand in hand...quite a chain reaction eh?

And for the record if you know anyone taking antacids-the Ca in antacids causes Mg to be excreted from the body.
White sugar uses up Mg, as does a higher acidity level in the bloodstream, and aspartame blocks Mg. We're good on all these, so I'm still not so sure why I am low.

Know what else? Mg helps with hormonal fluctuations! And Mg relaxes muscles so it's great for tension headaches too btw. I had a wicked headache the other night which is unusual for me too.

lauren

Lauren-meeting in PC at Kathy's today at 1pm.
If you can make it give me a call for directions, or I think Kathy sent them out.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Adeno Viruses

Did you know that the word VIRUS is latin for "poison"?

Adeno viruses are a classification of viruses that are respiratory. They are stable, they can survive adverse Ph conditions, and can survive outside the body.
They are transmitted by direct contact, they can be waterborne, they can stay dormant in the system, and they are respiratory.
Adenoviruses are pneumonia, croup, bronchitis...and our AD 36 is an adenovirus.
And AD 37 is the chicken strain, or SMAM-1.

So, can't we use theta to nuke it? Yes. Why not! This gives us a whole new set of questions to ask doesn't it?

Can we use frequencies to nuke it? Yes again I absolutely think so, now that we know what we are looking for.

Found it! This is from SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN: "Physiologist Leah Whigham of the University of Wisconsin-Madison and her colleagues inoculated young male chickens with three strains of adenovirus--Ad-2, Ad-31 and Ad-37. She and her team then monitored the chickens for three and a half weeks, recording their food intake throughout. Though the infected chickens and noninfected controls

consumed the same amount of food and were exposed to the same conditions,

chickens carrying Ad-37 were found to have nearly three times as much fat in their guts and more than two times as much fat over their entire body at the end of the three-and-a-half week period. The other two virus strains appeared to have little effect on weight."

Stem Cells and Fat Cells

HUMAN VIRUS MAKES FAT STEM CELLS FATTER
At least this article is more recent: 2006.

The article states that Magdalena Pasarica at Pennington (same lab as Dhurandhar) is studying AD36. She says it stimulates STEM CELLS to become prefat cells, and then the prefat cells to become fat cells. Oh isn't it all so efficient.

Virus Exposure This bleep is a year old, and says blood tests on 2000 Aussies showed 20% had been exposed to AD 36.

So what's my deal, I ask myself. Am I looking for an excuse? NO! I'm looking for a reason. For the past 20 years I have said that it doesn't MAKE SENSE!

Who's Researching this?

Dr Dhurandhar this is his website

"Our in-vivo and in-vitro data show that Ad-36 increases adiposity, lowers serum lipids, increases insulin sensitivity and preadipocyte differentiation."

In other words, the chickens had normal to low cholesterol and triglycerides, which is atypical of obesity.

Infectobesity

it increases FAT STORAGE-there's my answer.
So no matter what they eat, their body shifts it to fat storage by waking up those potential fat cells to get busy.

The Obesity Virus?

Dr. Atkinson-owner of OBETECH LAB says "There are no obvious symptoms of this virus infection. Whatever disease [the virus] causes, it's certainly a very mild disease," he explains. "We've inoculated four species of animals and have never lost an animal. The monkeys maybe looked under the weather for a day, then they were bouncing around, they were fine." and then they tripled their fat index. HAH!

COULD OBESITY BE CONTAGIOUS? And look-this was written in 2004!

I've found articles saying EXACTLY THE SAME THING dating back to 2000.
Virus boosts fat in chickens and mice

So what is currently going on?

Dr Dhurandhar and AD 36

Dr Dhurandhar, Wayne State University, Detroit, Michigan is the guy to watch.

This started in India, in the 80s with chickens with a virus called SMAM-1.
Could Fat Be Catching?
But here's the interesting thing-Dhurandhar BORROWED AD36 to use on monkeys in India in his experiments. Guess where he borrowed if from? THE US COLLECTION. What? That means that BEFORE Dhurandhar discovered it in chickens in India, the US governmental body of infectious diseases KNEW ABOUT IT?

The virus occurs naturally in the human population? Yes, that's what it says. Naturally???
30% of the obese screened tested positive.
5-10% of those that were not overweight tested positive.

AD 36 increases the size and number of fat cells in infected animals.
It encourages "prefat" cells with the potential to become fat cells to go for it. What's a pre fat cell?

Professor Stephen Bloom, from Imperial College, London: "People have been eating much more and taking less exercise. Why do you need to invent some strange story about a virus?" And why do we need to entertain the idea that the earth is round? Everyone can see that it is obviously FLAT.

Dr John Foreyt from Baylor College, Texas: "Viruses can lie dormant for many years and we've seen the crossover of the HIV virus, for example, from animals to humans. We may be seeing a similar thing now with the obesity virus." Yes sir that's thinking!

One of my questions is:
Dr Dhurandhar, Wayne State University, Detroit, Michigan-did the chickens start to eat more?
Did the monkeys start to eat more? When that monkey in your lab tripled his body weight and body fat index, were you making MORE food available to him or was this just an explosion of fat cells? Did he stand in front of the fridge and gorge?

I want to know! See, animals in labs get a controlled amount of food. They are in cages. HOW exactly did these test animals suddenly gain so much weight? Can we say that they "obviously just need to exercise more"? or that they are "eating too many carbs?"

BLOOD TEST FOR AD 36

I have gone in multiple times reading on this fat virus. But I just posted "I want to find a lab that will test for the AD 36 virus" and I went back in for another search to give you all the links I have been reading: and I find a new one:

Check this out:
Obesity virus test kid
You need to get blood drawn locally and then send the sample to their lab-OBETECH. They are doing additional research to find relative associations.

According to this site, if you are THIN and test positive, you have a 60-100% chance of becoming obese.

Yes CA, there are huge health risks as your weight goes up-and of course if insurance companies and health care professionals were really interested in America thinning down-why isn't there the needed research into this?

Can we put our heads together and come up with a research project for this?

The sad thing is: if you test positive they say to go to your doctor and go on a diet or get bypass surgery. That's their only solution at the moment. Scream time!

Research on AD 36

I want to post some of the articles I've been reading. Here are a few, along with some interesting information from them.

61% of people in the US are classified overweight to obese now. And funnily enough it is spreading FROM the east coast to the west. Spreding? That does sound like an infectious disease, doesn't it?

Why did it start there?

I was thinking outloud last night and heard myself say "Viruses mutate all the time. That's what they do. And viruses cross to humans from animals all the time too. HIV, Hanta virus, monkey pox, coxpox, Ebola, Influenza A, Lassa, Junin on and on. I watched that PETA documentary, and here were these chickens that were so grossly obese that their legs broke out from under them. What if this spread to humans from our lovely fat chickens? And nobody cared that the chickens were getting fat because it was good for business." I was just ruminating-and Tony was watching the fights.

Read this article I found this morning. Ask the question, find the answer, remember? Could Fat be Catching? ...CHICKENS! In Bombay. The chickens died nice and plump though-with enlarged livers and kidneys. Now, they did slaughter those chickens, and no one is saying that our chickens here are infected. MY speculation was totally science fiction. But, we do know that the virus started in chickens, or at least we first noticed it in chickens.

But isn't it funny how concerned the Infectious Disease people were about the AVIAN flu-which is an adenovirus that we can get from birds-mostly caught by chicken pluckers, right? And they were alerting us because we "might could" catch it if it mutated.

Well, what about this virus? 30% of the fat people test positive, PLUS 10% of the thin people. So that means, 40% of those tested are postiive for it. That's a HUGE amount of the population if that is a fair random sampling. If 40% of us caught avian flu wouldnt' that be a disease epidemic?

We have an epidemic of diabetes, we have an epidemic of high blood pressure, we have an epidemic of obesity but we don't want to think that it could actually be caused by an infectious disease? Isn't that a little "head in the ass" thinking?

HOT BUTTON

Obviously, I have found a hot button still burning in myself! :)

And you know what? I don't want to shrug and go quietly and say "what ya gonna do?" I want to scream! I want to rally the troops! I want to storm the medical bastille!

I was telling T about it-and of course being naturally thin, AND losing weight easily-he was less than sympathetic. He smiled indulgently (and I admit I was raving a bit) and then shrugged. SHRUGGED!

And then he said "you DO have to eat less." This is my biggest button. This is hit the roof time! I had a freaking gastric bypass and for 17 years I CAN'T EAT BIG! And yet, there it is. The belief that it must be what I am eating, and the how much. I've been primarily raw, and mostly raw juice for what, close to 5 months now? Come on!

I said to him "They slit me open like a pig" and I flashed my scar "stuck the knife in at my bellybutton and it ends at my sternum" ... still no reaction. "Don't you get it? This is like doing major surgery to cure the FLU!"

This is like in MASTER AND COMMANDER-did you see that movie? There was a sea battle, and the 12 year old apprentice captain breaks his arm...and they take an ax and cut it off! No cure, whack.

To me-this is THE SAME THING!

Yes Pam-that's exactly what I think we should figure out. And I want to find a lab in Utah that will do a blood test for AD36 antibodies. And I want to find out more!

Friday, April 27, 2007

On the hunt for AD 36

In my spare time tonight I've been internet hunting and found out that there are actually 2 viruses that cause humans to become obese, THAT WE KNOW OF, and there 6 in the animal world. AD 5 is another adenovirus that causes humans to gain 50-100% body fat. They know about them. They don't care. It seems to be a mild disease in the big picture, it doesn't seem to make them very sick.

ARE THEY KIDDING ME!?? NOT VERY SICK! You gain 100% body fat, and it's no big deal?

So what I want to know is why aren't other people as infuriated as I am? I read 3 articles from research doctors that said "regardless of it being a virus, people still need to just stop eating". I wanted to throttle someone! They don't get it! The antibodies were present in 30% of the obese people they tested, and was NOT present in any of the normal sized people. HELLO! What are they looking for?

This is a major deception perpetrated on the American public. This is a marketing campaign that has undermined the self esteem of a nation! We are "fat and prosperous". Americans are "lazy". We are supposed to be ashamed of our prosperity, as a nation, apologizing for our wealth. Does this follow straight into what we were working on in class concerning shame and giving and receiving? You betcha!

We've been tricked into believing that we should have been trying harder to lose weight, that we should join that health club, walk that mile, buy that diet book, and that something was wrong with us-our self esteem, our motivation, that there was some magic pill and that we were fooling ourselves if we thought we weren't eating because all anyone had to do was look at us to see that we obviously were eating.

I say we find a cure for AD 36 because this is exactly what I have been saying. Having been raw as long as this, I should have been dropping inches, and it hasn't reallly happened. Oh a bit, but come on!

Heart and Lungs

I held a heart and lungs in my hands today on this 28th year of my life....I just sat with it by myself for about an hour feeling it studying it pumping it trying to understand it. This area that has been such and issue in so many ways...a place i viewed as such weakness before and a place im regrowing now and illuminating now....

I carefully studied the lines the vessels the aorta the bronchi the textures the feeling the color observing this tight swirling and churning and beautiful intricate yet strong braiding and looping that happens right here in me each moment this pump wow....

i was mesmerized. i couldnt take my eyes away. so many things are shifting.

tomorrow will be the last day and i will be leaving and in slc on sunday!
cant wait to see you all!

Salad Spinner Trick...

Hey Everyone,

I learned a new trick while I was sitting on the couch with my cats. I thought I'd pass it on here in case there was someone who hadn't heard of this before and could use it.

When you're washing a large amount of greens it can be time consuming to dry them in a spinner, or otherwise. Here's the trick: just put your freshly washed wet greens in a pillow case and throw them in your washing machine and set it on the spin cycle for a couple of minutes. You can go do something else, like sit on the couch, I used that time to fold laundry.

I tried this last night and it worked great! I had a couple bunches of kale and some spinach. Came out done dry. I bagged them up and was done with it. It was the most efficient produce processing I've ever done.

Ciao!

best juice smoothie ever!

Ok I'm getting this fruti smoothie thing down.

2 large pieces of fresh pineapple
1/2 apple
1 c frozen cherries
4 ice cubes
1 cup water
1/2 tsp maca
2 scoops vanilla whey protein powder (after all our hormone and fiber talk I figured I would try it.)

I did the whey protein powder instead of the almonds, and I liked it alot!!!
2 scoops has 20 grams of protein. It's the protein powder I used when I went to a 6. It also is heavy in B vitamins-which I run low in. I'm realizing all the things I did RIGHT then, and why it worked. Hindsight! It was instinct though.

I was eating lots of fish. Snacked on it! I ate almonds constantly. Carried baggies of them with me. I did 2 fruit protein shakes a day, which helped my body flush that excess estrogen. Everyone thought I was doing tons of exercise-hah-just flushed the estrogen and didn't even know I was doing it. It was like my body was magically melting away.

Raw Dinner

Hey everyone-is tonight our raw dinner out?

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Help I'm trapped inside Jeff Foxworthy

You know, think of the business that IS being generated off of fat in this country. My God just the incredible gastric bypass business that would no longer be needed! Do you know when I had mine they were doing 25 a week, and it cost $9,000, and one doctor was doing it. Now, there are 6 full time surgeons in the practice, and the price has tripled.

The new "band" surgeries, the lipo surgeries, the plastic surgeries...and this isn't even touching the health issues...It made me a bit crazy...I mean remember I had a full on bypass 17 years ago having tipped in at 300 pounds. A virus! Wow.
I started spontaneously spouting AD36 one liners after I posted the last one.

If your thighs are the size of the state of New Hampshire....you coulda been AD36-ed.

If you can't afford to fly cuz you gotta buy 3 seats....you coulda been AD36ed.

If you gotta roll up your underarms for hanging too low...you coulda been AD36-ed.

If you went to bed a size 6 and woke up a 26....you coulda been AD36-ed.

Is there a cure? I mean, can we do anything with theta? With frequencies? Now that's a new question!

AD36 the fat virus

Guess what! They have found a FAT VIRUS! Yep, it's called AD-36, and if you have the antibodies in your bloodstream, it means you have been infected. It can cause your fat to triple!

If your lipids, triglycerides and cholesterol are normal, and your fat is high, you could have been infected with AD 36. This is different from "normal" obesity, they say, because these levels would be expected to be high. When I went to get my bypass, they were oh so shocked to find that my blood pressure was low, my cholesterol was normal and my triglicerides were ok. I was "just fat". Now I'm thinking it makes sense!

Lucky us, it's one of the 51 types of viruses that infect humans. It's an adeno virus so that means it's respiratory. And becaause there is so little serious research being done, it COULD be a virus that is passed vertically. That means that it is passed mother to infant.

So do you think they are rushing to develop a "vaccine" to "cure" us? I doubt it. Obesity is big business!!! (no pun intended but ar-ar)

See, ask a new question and you get a new answer! No one considered that fat might be a communicable disease! No one thought it might be infectious. No. It was all due to lack of willpower. But we know differently.

Think of it. We have an epidemic in our country of fat...which came first? The virus, and then TV, or fried chicken and then the virus? Who knows?

Maybe AD36 is an alien plot? Maybe it's AD36 that has been downloaded into our unsuspecting water systems, added like so much floride?

Hey, AD37 makes chickens fat...maybe someone out there decided to fatten up chickens, deliberately infecting them with AD37 as a quick way to raise fat chickens (more weight more profit afterall) which randomly mutated into AD36 and started making humans fat...hmmmm....

Is this a case for the X files?

Hormones

Foods that encourage hormonal balance are garbanzo beans, lentils, mung beans (and sprouts), aduki, and the whole grains. Flax seed too. Are you eating beans and grains? Well we really aren't because beans are better cooked-and grains too. So unless you are eating alot of sprouts, this could be part of your hormonal fluctuations.

Phytoestrogens-foods that block the estrogen receptors in our cells and tell our body we are cool with the estrogens are:
Coffee
Soy, Licorice, Red clover tea, Thyme, and Turmeric were said to be the strongest, in one study.
Alfalfa, Sunflower seeds, Fennel, Oregano, Nutmeg, Cloves, Goldenseal, Camomille, Verbenna, Hops (beer), Turmeric - remember when I was dreaming about turmeric and didn't know why?
Pomegranate - the Greeks used this as a contraceptive because it is such a strong phytoestrogen.

This is one of the reasons to add more spices to your foods.

Other good foods for us:
Coconut oil, Flaxseed oil, Nuts, Pumpkin seeds, Hemp seed oil is a balance of 3/6/9 as is UDOS.
Anything in the Cabbage family: broccoli, caulliflower, brussel sprouts, cabbages because they increase the rate at which the liver changes oestrogen into a water soluble form that can be excreted. All the oil rich foods-like fishes Jac, which may be exactly why you are craving it.

When we register a fluctuation in our moods, we get irritable, short tempered, anxious, edgy, it means that there are HIGH levels of oestrogens in our bloodstream in relation to our progesterone. If your breasts suddenly feel really tender-your estrogen is high in relation to our progesterone. If you start to get food cravings for sugar-high estrogen.

Reduced levels of progesterone could be due to the liver being unable to process out the excess estrogen in our systems. We get fuzzy thinking, heart palpitations, water retention, food cravings for sugar-we are estrogen high in relation to progesterone. It's all a balancing act.

Magnesium helps, B6, B complex, red clover tea, licorice to calm the adrenals (NOT with high blood pressure please). I've just started adding magnesium.

Progesterone stimulates the healing process in connective tissue/bones and skin, and prevents collagen breakdown (like stretchmarks), and it stimulates bone growth. Good things. Ah but when we are getting hot flashes, having dips in our energy, feel depressed, or are noticing connective tissue stuff going on (joint stuff) we could be low in progesterone. See?

Soybeans and yams are what progesterone is chemically identical to in our body. And if you use a progesterone cream it makes you sleepy-I put mine on at night for that reason.

20% of our progesterone comes from our ovaries and the rest from your adrenals. When you are flooding, you don't have any progesterone to oppose the estrogen. Estrogen gets your uterus to thicken and when estrogen levels hit a certain level you ovulate, and progesterone to heal and maintain the "pregnancy". Progesterone also stabilizes the lining of the uterus-so it will help stop flooding.

Estrogens are produced by the fat cells and the adrenals. No wonder we have more estrogen than progesterone...So estrogen stimulates tissue growth, and progesterone signals the body to slough it off.

We make 3 types of estrogen, and only 1 progesterone. Too much estrogen in relation to the progesterone in your system-and we get fibroids. Progesterone will shrink them. Progesterone is your happy hormone! It's the feel good hormone, and it keeps the estrogen in check for most of us.

EVERY CELL has estrogen receptors. If our adrenals are pumping out cortisol, if we are under alot of stress, our body in its infinite wisdom, will DIVERT progesterone to make the cortisol...then we don't have enough progesterone to oppose the rising levels of estrogen. And stress triggers estrogen overproduction.

Guess what else progesterone does? It converts fat to energy. It metabolizes glucose. If we are low in progesterone, we gain weight, and have trouble losing it. Now some of us pears are naturally highly estrogenic...but you know I don't think so! I think we are naturally lower in progesterone. Same same...but why?

Low progesterone effects thyroid function! Imagine that! Low thyroid function, low progesterone. Big thighs-estrogen dominance by the way. Hey, what a surprise. And cramping means high estrogen.

Even if we are low in estrogen, we can have estrogen dominance because of the overall ratio to progesterone! So, even if you are done with menopause, if you ratios are off it could still be hormonal.

HOT FLASHES-sluggish liver. And you might want to avoid ginger if you are getting hot flashes...try it and see if it helps.

MENOPAUSE means a drop in progesterone, and without progesterone to oppose all that estrogen-the estrogen levels go up, hence the typical "mood swings" everyone talks about.

IRREGULAR PERIODS means stressed system and means a hormonal imbalance

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Back on Raw

I can say I'm fully back on raw!

It's funny but the dance back and forth is hard on my system. I stay on raw food, and I feel amazing! My energy is up, I sleep well, I wake up early.

I dabble in cooked food, and specifically protein, and I feel off. Sluggish, running a bit slower, and eventually my sleep is off again.

What tempts me to stray: when the weather gets colder I want HOT something to warm me up. Comfort me on the inside. Temperature seems to feel satisfying.
When I am tired or bored, or when I don't have anything ready to go, veges cleaned and waiting, I want to reach for something else. (this is happening less and less I will say, but the desire to fall back into the old pattern of thoughtless eating is there.)

Really, these are almost exactly what used to tempt me off of any "diet" really. Thinking about it, anytime I attempted a change in habitual eating patterns the moment of truth would come when I would decide to continue or to 'take a break'. The break usually meant I didn't get back on for awhile-or ever.

An old time consumate dieter, I have to remind myself this is NOT about dieting, NOT about deprivation, NOT about have tos, NOT about counting, measuring, weighing, NOT about denying myself anything. This is my choice, I feel great, and I want to continue.

It is all about feeding myself completely. The longer I do this, and I am looking at close to the end of 5 mns now, the easier it gets. My kitchen is primarily raw food now, the grocery cart gets filled with fresh raw beautiful stuff. The kitchen equipment has changed, and my countertop look has shifted. My husband and son are joining me some, which is more than I expected!

So, when I do get off base, what is it that triggers it? What could be more important than my health, strength, stamina, and joy? The answer should be nothing, but that isn't the case, is it.

But what if it isn't emotional-strictly speaking? What if it is biochemical? What if those emotions too, are biochemical?

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

WOW.

Itll be a bit before I can actually verbalize what Im doing here....pretty much all I can say is wow. Today was day 2 of dissection and I have to say the body is just the most amazing beautiful infinite' thing' for lack of a better term. I am discovering and seeing it all so differently - when I just went in to do healings on the site I was seeing amazing things but I got that the work hasnt integrated yet from class so I am going to integrate and then see what happens...

I took lunch break today and walked and sat in the park overlooking san francisco and ate some organic snap peas and strawberries (produce here is SO much better I have to say the whole foods has such a huge ethnic variety of fruits and veggies....I guess also because we are coming close to summer everything looks so appealing....). Anyway I was really taking the time to allow what I was seeing to sink in...making the connections between what I was physically witnessing and doing, and what I 'see' and what the new link is....

WOW.

Love all the Energy!

I love all the energy everyone has and is expressing! It's so exciting! It jumps off the page and vibrates! The art, the creativity, the information, the direction, all so powerful!

Something has shifted in you ALL!

Monday, April 23, 2007

My Raw Evolution

I just ran across an interesting web page that you all may want to read: My Raw Evolution.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Church Bells

Listening to the bells at Grace Cathedral this morning in San Francisco...wanted to share it with you all...

Had very intense sweats last night, Im getting my period and my body is detoxing a lot. I have a very intense sweat a few nights before I get my period its amazing though....it feels really good...I love sweating - reminds me of how much I loved Bikram Yoga....I think Im ready to start it again...!

Been back on raw...ahhhh home....

Also very excited for my class tomorrow....not sure if I have internet where Ill be staying but I will find some and keep you posted on what I see/find on the deep inside!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Educating the Public

So I was in Good Earth getting a few things. I'm getting raw cashews and this older woman is standing in the middle of the bulk area-and she's muttering to herself and shaking her head.

I smiled.

She said "this all so confuses me! Do you do this? But I'm going to try." I wondered why but didn't ask.

I smiled again. "Take it in small chunks, add something like fresh juice, and start there."

She looked at my cart at the tray of wheatgrass and said "What is that? What do you do with it?"

I explained about juicing, and she asked what it does for you, and I went into my tirade on the benefits of wheatgrass. She looked surprised, a bit dazed still, but nodding too. Then I realized that Good Earth now sells wheat grass shots for just 99 cents. I suggested she try it. Just one ounce.

You know there just isn't enough education yet and I am so excited to get this all going!

And another thing-I made the absolute worst dinner for poor T that I have ever made since I was a teen! I tried to make scallops. I used to know how to do this, and he valiantlly tried to eat it, but I have to say I threw the whole lot out with mutual agreement that it deserved the bin. I don't do that often.

I can't remember how to cook! THen I was boiling sweet potatoes and the pot boiled over. I don't do that cooked thing very well at all anymore! On the up side, I'm glad the dinner got thrown out. I've been raw all day now! :)

Friday, April 20, 2007

The Energetic Connections of a Group

This week in class everyone did a soul retrieval for someone else. You just did yours too. There are no accidents, and there is syncronicity especially between members of an energetic alliance.

And you are definitely a member even at that distance.

I KNOW you care about being clearly heard, seen and represented as your authentic powerful self.

We all care. That is exactly what we are trying to clear our way TO, once again, and the imprints of the wounds of misunderstandings are in the way of our authentic powerful feminine selves.

AND we are talking about coming out into the world with a huge project. We want to be clear. We want to be understood. We want to be accepted and authentic. We want to have fun. We want to be brilliant and amazing and stupendous and, did I say we want to have fun?!

Why did everyone back up after Bear Lake? Why did we start stepping here and there away from raw? Precisely BECAUSE there were still the deepest imprints in the way. It was close. It is! Lauren, even you stepped back from raw this month.

I also know you WANT to be understood, and you WANT to be heard, and thank you for being the one to hold that mirror up for the group, Lauren. CA had a nightmare, Jac seems to have had a breakthrough too, and I hope she posts it.

If I sounded harsh yesterday it was to get that point across, and well done to you all. A little pot stirring on my part- perhaps.

The speed writing-absolutely necessary-especially for us because we are working on allowing that flow. It is invaluable, and Lauren, let yourself have it, and PAM practice it absolutely! That is what morning pages are about. Allowing that flow of what is inside to come out without editing. To teach us to bring what is inside, up and out. But those writings are for YOU.

Then post the results of that on the blog where you want to be clearly heard, seen and understood, in your power as QUEEN. Look at what you found, and then post your own understanding of self, of process, of the world. The other-does your intelligence, expression and passion a disservice.

You aren't a performing wind up perfect dolly to entertain others. Clear that imprint. You also don't have to be physically ill or throwing a tantrum to prove that you aren't perfect. You don't have to be fist flying angry to be visible. BE YOU!

I did the same. My weight was a way of saying LOOK AT WHO I REALLY AM because I got so tired of people telling me when I was little
1) that I was scarred and would never be Miss America
and then later as a teen and a young adult- (and I forgot this until just recently which is absolutely fascinating to ME)
2) that I was beautiful
which I also rebelled against.

Isn't it ALL about self acceptance?

ALL of our anger, self recrimination and resentment of the WORLD out there, is only a reflection of what is going on inside, and our own struggle to own and be authentic.

I think Maya Angelou does morning pages where she lets it rip. Then she goes back in and hones the pearls with precision. Is she disservicing herself by presenting the pearls and not the regurgitation of angst? What do you think?

When we blew out the archetypes IN CLASS Lauren, (and you haven't done that exercise formally, we will when you get here)you are left with just you. Then what? Where do you hide youself, and how can you distract yourself from facing you? DO we want to still hide from ourselves?

The pieces that come up this week and last week are probably some of the most profound.
Jacquie was still fighting stepping into those archetypes that were gifted back to her when in class this week. She wouldn't open that mesa, wouldn't confront them, own them, integrate them, preferrring the "other mesa". Not "that one"But she wanted it too. No one is holding it away from her but her. No one is taking it, no one is stopping her from having it-except her.

She was still wanting to run the belief that she isn't allowedto be valuable. Doesn't have, isn't enougheven when family, siblings, parents, spouse, children, the world was blown out...

Another project is awesome, but the conflict is about having to have another project to then feel like she is valuable enough. Jac you are beautiful, valuable and an incredible asset to the group. Why can't your amazing project be part of what is growing-wholly yours-you wearing and owning and directing it-and still within the scope of Shamamamas?

We only want any of you to offer yourself as you are, in the capacity that delights you. And thanks once again to Rebecca, so invalubale and indispensable to the group still and always.

Thank you Jacquie for demonstrating this piece to the group!

Now to everyone-can you find and heal the piece inside you that you are running from too?

Are you still using your DOINGness to prove your value, your worth, your contribution, to the world?

"See-I AM right! See-I AM valuable, I Am smart, I AM brilliant, I AM...what do you disown that you can and must call back to yourself-that is a soul retrieval!"

Paying attention

For a few weeks now Ive ben saying I feel something major coming up...my dreams have been bizarre, different themes, people, places. I forgot that I had asked to get many teaching in my dreams so I didnt have to 'act' them out and spin out in real world. I could get the lesson and clear it. Before I went to bed last night I put it all together.

Theres been this mysterious image, a memory from childhood thats been floating around. Something so clear of me at 2 in my parent office in a hallway with a man I knew leaning down and a crowd of employees around me. Last night before I closed my eyes (with the help of yesterdays 'spinning out') I saw it all... I made the connection between what these strange dreams were showing me, and these signs all around me that I couldnt quite connect yet. Even re-reading my posts yesterday...it was ALL there hitting me between the eyes!

That one mysterious image had locked in one of the most deep rooted and major patterns in my life - I was standing there 2 yrs old I opened my mouth to finally say something after they had been begging (the 'expectation') saying 'come on precious say something' (ooooh did I shudder when I heard that as clear as a bell last night) and then everyone laughed. Like a performing clown, the bosses 'perfect daughter' and expectation...

There are NO coincidences. I have been watching this reflected in my 2 yr old niece - who could be a mirror of me at 2. Ive been watching everything with her almost obsessed watching her edit her behavior modify it for others to improve the reaction...I see it all in her face and I still didnt catch it until I felt that feeling yesterday with the blog and then like magic it all clicked. So I wanted to share.

That moment at 2yrs old locked in a very deep pattern:

Embarrasment
Rejection
Shame
Abandonment

and my reaction which was: (all D's)

Disguise
Distract/Deflect
Disassociate
Disconnect

Amazing...I knew something was there but its timing I guess...

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Self-Editing/Clarity

What happened today?

Simply put I spun out.

So again, apologies for the lengthiness and redundancy and terrible writing form - (my teachers would be horrified) and for the confusing mess of thoughts and words. If you zoom down to my when the honeymoons over post (which ive edited)- you'll see i mentioned this 'distraction' thing that happens when im in the in-between.

:( DISTRACTION = not good)

I have been working on my 'self-edit button' before I edited everything...now I am editing nothing and I know there is a happy medium...just working on getting there. I think it just clicked in. So thank you.

Ive edited and reposted below, to be more clear.
Hope that helps.

Be back on track soon. Cleared a really really big deep rooted piece today thats been tingling all week. Not a good feeling for me....Brings up old feelings of embarrassment and projecting and general 'losing it-ness' in a group which makes me feel really crappy. Nothing that a little sleep and some raw food wont cure!

Thank goodness for the actual EDIT button. And for friends with patience.

XOXO

Back from the land of the rocks


Whoa! I have to tell you that it took me an entire hour to read the blog – and that’s just today’s entries. Do you see the agonized face in the picture that is desperate to be released? Screaming, yelling, and kicking with one foot. Is this symbolic of all of us, frozen in time? Talk about not stepping into our power! Do we all have rocks in the head?

I, for one, plan on taking a sledge hammer to the stone and breaking out. I don’t want to do it alone. I love being in a group, this group, even though there are times when creative solitude is necessary for my rejuvenation and peace of mind.

As for this blog, I’m more than a little bit sentimental and want to see it continue. I was just planning on sending this link to a friend who was asking about raw. There is no better way to enlighten her than to have her look at the archives, follow the links, and read the stories each of us have been willing to share in the last three months. That doesn’t mean I promise to post to it daily, but I’ll post when I have something to offer, be it good or bad.

This raw experience has been the catalyst for growth – raw food, raw feelings, all of it a raw evolution. We have so much to offer ourselves and the world, Lady Shamans, and the breakout time is now -- so let's start stepping.

a line i heard somewhere...

something that goes like:

i love knowing it all including that i dont know shit...!

a bit how i feel today--well more or less everday!

hee hee

Here's Susanne's article

Arthurian Tarot: The Grail Lance, Percival
Mayan Oracle: Greater Cycles, Ben
Aleister Crowley: Pleasure, Debauch, Peace
Medicine Cards: Ant, Whale
Osho Zen Tarot: We are the World, Sharing
Healing Earth Tarot: Eight of Crystals, Grandmother of Pipes
Ancient Egyptian Tarot: The Lovers, Princess of Swords
Words of Truth: Elimination, Nurturing, Breakthrough

If you feel that you just managed to survive the intensity of March, then the feelings of April will be breakthrough and a renewed sense of purpose. March brought with those eclipses the emotional roller coaster of death and rebirth. Now you have found an inner strength that could only come from being challenged and taken beyond the previous limitations of your consciousness.

March was painful and stressful for many, but now mental activity increases and spiritual strength allows you to rise to a new potential. Most of the gains will be accomplished by finding original ways of thinking. Following old stale ideas will leave you breaking down and trapped in an inhospitable environment.

The Grail Lance was called the Lance of Redemption. It had the power to heal, avenge, and bring rebirth to the earth. It is appropriate that this symbol comes in this spread for April and springtime.

With April, the energy bursts forth. This is no time to feel insecure or allow the mind to talk you out of acting in accord with the new situation. You are called to embrace optimism and allow innocent, infectious energy to broaden your horizons.

But before you become a knight, you must be a squire. You are beginning the path that eventually leads you out of situations that have blocked your potential, but only at the beginning. You have many details yet to accomplish, so stay aware and alert.

April is about celebration. Life has been given to us to create, rejoice, and to celebrate. When you fall into despair and misery, you tend to feel alone. When you celebrate life in any way, the whole of existence participates with you. In joy, we find our true light and our eternal self. Celebration takes us beyond the circles of death into life eternal. When you celebrate, there are no feelings of inferiority or superiority. We see our hopes and dreams reflected in all around us. Through that connection, new patterns of exquisite creation are possible.

Creation takes time, effort, and the ability to adapt to the evolving circumstances.

It is natural to have moments of fear, but do not allow them to take over your reality and cause you to break down the new and delicate creation. Find the stillness inside and allow the growth to find good solid roots in this fertile soil of your life. Give yourself time to grow into the powerful knight that you know is within. You will have to take a few knocks, but only through trial and error will you gain confidence in the new perceptions and skills.

By talking to yourself in positive ways and allowing gentle and consistent growth, you will find yourself further along the path than you can imagine. This internal wisdom and acceptance of the difficulty of growth allows you to enjoy the process and celebrate that journey with others.

Clarification

Interesting what people heard last night. What I was trying to explain was that yes, this other piece has come up for me but that does not mean that I don't want to do both, that is why I asked can it be something that merges together. Then Joy, said I always want to keep in mind the Shamanic with the Raw, and thought it was clear obviously not. I am not bailing on the Raw I just wanted to tell you where I was conflicted not that I was trotting off just to do my own thing. Its no different than you teaching Joy, and doing the many other things that you do. Does that distract from the Raw. I am capable of doing two things at once. I just wanted to voice and say out loud what was going on with me. Sorry that you heard you thought I was bailing to go on to something else. THAT IS NOT THE CASE!!!!!!
So I will own the fact that I am serving a purpose for all of us to say what it is that we want. To get clear on the blog. I have been on the blog but just didn't have anything to say. I said on one of my comments today that I was just on an inhale where I am processing information...things going on, yes maybe I need to process more openly. If I can't identify it or at least get close to what is going on I am not too inclined to put it out there. I hadn't realized it had been that long since I posted anything. I thought I had made comments about what was being said. So just like we may be jumping to a conclusion that maybe you are tired of doing the blog. So look at what I have reflected for everyone. If like myself we have a pattern of people bailing on us I can see where a bailing message would be heard. I know I said the piece about doing a piece alone, but I think I need that for me, I think a lesson lays there but I also want to continue with the Raw. So bring it on...what did everyone else hear. It has brought up the mirror for us lets use it to get clear, hmmm. I admit I am not the most articulate in explaining what it is that I want to say. Speaking it out loud can trip me up. Yes, I need to clear that. So don't count me out....please....
I thought we were at a place where we could throw out what was going on the huge conflict was am I not on the same page if I am doing this other thing as well. In addition too. My feelings that I was not contributing to the business end because I could see Pam taking a huge load. I also recognize how much you do Joy, and in feeling like I am not doing enough comes from you two taking so much on. I have been looking at Grants today, local Grants.
I did surgery on my computer today and it hasn't gone down once so I look at that as a sign, that communication is now open. I own that I was not contributing much lately to the blog as far as posting but I have been there. I have been hitting the different Save the buttons.
So lets get this hashed out so we can move on upwards and outward...
I love you guys and I want to be clear about that.....

Whoa

Look, after last night's class and the comments and reactions that were going around, and people wanting to be their own thing, and go in a different direction, and R quitting, the offer on my part was to close the experiment NOT because I am looking for an out.

If I was I would say that.
Don't hallucinate that maybe I must be posting this because I'm tired. I've said over and over this is my passion. This is what I do.

I looked back Jac and you hadn't posted for 9 days. Until today. That means it wasn't a place you come to anymore. You told us why last night. You have a different direction and something that is now calling you. And it doesn't have anything to do with raw.

I asked YOU all if you were done, and if we should end the blog. NOT because I want out. Because I am feeling that some of YOU do.

Come on, you can't hide in a room full of psychics! Who are we kidding? NO ONE. And this idea of the blog was to get honest, and to free ourselves of hiding and guilt. But whew, that's harder than you thought eh?

What happened in Bear Lake? Well, we started talking about going into the world with this in a bigger way. NO ONE noticed that it set things off? I did! How many of you said "since Bear Lake..." Rebecca, Jac, CA, me...well that's a fair number of us. Pam? Kathy? Well, Kathy only came up the last night.

And I got a flurry of words-from 2 people and nothing from 4 yet- about how this blog is valuable TO OTHERS. Lauren at least you said it was valuable to you.

I am asking YOU if it is too much trouble, too much committment, too much effort for YOU. YOUR committment to it.
I am asking what is YOUR committment to this-I know what mine is.

I'm not asking for ideas on how to redesign it-yet.
I'm asking you to look inside and see if you have the energy, desire, committment and interest to continue the blog. The committment was to post daily, honestly, about how raw is doing for you. When you felt like you couldn't be little cheerleaders, you quit. We all do it.

Jac, alot of this is based on things you said last night. The conflict you are feeling, and the desire to do something different with your time and energy and passion that isn't in a raw direction. It made me wonder who else is feeling that way?
Nothing happens in a vaccum.

What to do when the honeymoon phase is over...?

The in-betweens are always very difficult for me.

(As you all might have noticed.)

After the honeymoon phase, that feeling of bliss with a new part of me I get to meet for the very first time...The courting part after doing a lot of work or coming up with tons of new ideas...then theres the lull of the in-between...where the Jekyl version of me comes out to play. This is time I used to get sick...but now have managed to kick that habit...now I just talk and talk and talk. Same thing. A new distraction.

I know Ive posted about this before a while ago and maybe even several times.

After clearing many kids this evening who attempted to distract me ALL day long, these are questions I have:

1) How can I re-frame this 'lull' period...? I know its much like a relationship and thats what I'm having some difficulty on.

2) How can you keep the momentum going...it doesnt have to be at 100% all the time--- I just dont want it to drop to 50% then I freak out and go on self-destruct?

Thank you.

some thoughts....

to be reposted....

Re-invention/Archiving

This blog should maybe be re-invented for us and maybe opened or archived in some way so that we can reference it as well as others or new comers....

Its like the history of writing and cave drawings we need a record of what we found what we learned...!

Choices

i told myself I wasn't going to write today. I was going to get on with other things.
Oh well.

Choices. And the power of choice. That's what it is all about.
And abdicating our choices is exactly what is going on in this country on a macro expression of our personal bits.

Changing "out there" is about changing the mesa, remember that. It's all self reflection. Seeing ourselves in each other. owning what we see and hear in each other.

We used food as the map.
Once we undid the voices of everyone else that told us what and how and when we should eat-all those other people in our heads, ultimately we are left with ourselves.

Last week when we blew out all the old archetypical roles and we were left with just us-alone-we discovered it wasn't so bad, and for some of you, you realized that you didn't necessarily WANT to join with anyone else, you preferred to be alone. Or did you?

Preference for solitude is no longer a "punishment" or an "abandonment" but a choice. hmmmm
well then, forming a group to go into the world and do something together no longer holds much interest. But why? Ultimately the shamanic way is about forming cohesive community. Community, and coming together in mutual support is what it is ALL about. The misunderstanding is that the shaman is alone. She is so totally joined to every living thing so is never alone.

Maybe in this society the wounding is too deep and we don't know how to come together for a greater good? We got excited about letting the world know how great we felt, but when it came time to committing to each other first, and then to a cause-um-I don't think so. Thanks but I'd rather not. I'd rather go off by myself. Ok.

I said if we didn't heal the mirror it would continue to affect, and it has, is. More pieces of those deep wounds appear. And they are disguised by our ego selves.

"Don't do this. COME this way. Your passion is really here. It's not there". These are gremlins.

These background voices that say "You don't have any value in that group, there isn't anything you have to offer over there. It's outdated, outmoded, no value. But here! Ah! Here you can be it all, make a difference, have an identity. Look at this bright shiny toy, this wonderful idea, and you can have it all! You don't have to share it with anyone. It's so wonderful! It's exactly what you want to be doing! You don't have to jump through anyone's rules, it'll be all yours. You don't have to share it or wait for them or even tell them about it. It'll be all yours. THIS is what you've been waiting for." Suddenly you can't see yourself doing anything with "them" but you are all over creative in another idea that so calls to you. And you are off. You have direction, focus, passion, intensity, alone.

Lauren, we've talked about the plethora of shiny new ideas and directions that flood us all the time, and how they are ALL viable and doable, and how do we choose?

Or maybe they are saying inside:
"you don't belong there. You're pulling them down. You have your own thing to do. Come on. you don't really want to do this. You want to make money, not mess around selling juice for christ's sake! This is so over. You did this when you were 10."

Or maybe
"they are going to take it all away from you. You have to stay in charge because otherwise you will have to walk away from it. You better define your place and what you are going to do or you will lose it, they will take over and swallow you up!"

Or what about
"this is too much. You don't want to be this busy? Come on! You want to have a quiet vacation life. You're close to retirement. You want to lay on a beach with room service! What are you doing even thinking about this!"

The fears that the north work brings up ARE loss of self to the whole. They are WORDS, VOICES, MENTAL BODY. There are no accidents that in this country we want individual identity. When we have healed that piece, we are no longer afraid of being lost, unseen, missed. But. If we let go of that illusion-then what??? Oblivion.

Better now to step forward with our voice, face. Why is it that having ALL of a small piece is so much more important to us that being part of something that could be big? Because we don't trust people. Push comes to shove, the wound is in groups. Remember I told you that the sacral chakra is about safety WITH OTHERS. Men, women, groups.

People always think it's sexual issues. It so isn't. It's women and women, mother, father, family, siblings, betrayal, missed understandings. It's people stuff. Not getting them, not trusting them.

But hey. As I said, I only offer the door. I can't make anyone go through. Raw is raw, and it isn't. Raw is into the emotional body. And, using the techniques, or not is choice. It's all choice. As you said Lauren, we are the only ones ultimately that stop ourselves. We are so much MORE together, but the thing that stops us if fear of being tricked, or betrayed, or hurt in some way again. The past memory locked in the heart keeps us from stepping in and letting it happen again.

We walk away from groups, organizations, committees, clubs, classes anytime we feel unsafe with people
We seclude, hibernate, nest, quest, which are all words for getting off alone.

Choices. This was an experiment. My thought is maybe it's as far as it can go right now. Thanks for your input Lauren. Let's see if anyone else has an opinion.

or maybe...

to be reposted...

Preservation.....reflection....something new?

to be reposted...

RAW...reinvention....!

Ive been off raw too. It sucks.
I love raw.
This space helps me stay in touch with raw.

I vote re-invent SHAMANS IN THE RAW and keep it!

Time to End the Experiment?

You know, what I started to say was this was only ever going to be a temporary experiment, and maybe we need to talk about an exit strategy to all of this. We originally said 30 days. We are way past that.

We can end it any time and I can close the blog down with a click. It's been a great positive thing, and it accomplished what we set the experiment up for. Would we feel better going raw, we wondered?

It has changed my views on food, on my life, and I am very grateful that you all participated at all! It was fun! I was doing raw anyway, but it was more fun with all of you. I had a great time playing and eating and experimenting. I love going into new ventures and new territory.

Coming together as a group is no longer necessary or perhaps not even productive for you anymore. Busy lives, too many emails, too many committments in other directions, desire to do new things, desire to go back to old ways. As soon as it gets to not be "fun" we gotta shelve it or work it through. Let's shelve it. It's only food! Who gives a shit what you eat or how you feel after you eat it? I mean really! It's just food. We all eat. it's not that big a deal.

The idea was to support each other. But only for 30 days. This has gotten to be way more than you thought it would be. And some of you balked at a 30 day committment! Ok. We are all really good separatists. We know how to do it alone and we have our own lives, and we can take care of ourselves.

I don't have an attachment to this continuing. We can certainly let it go. It's getting to be too much to post, to think about what is going on inside you, to even read it, then let's end it and say done! Spring is trying to be here. We certainly have other things to do with our lives than write on the computer. I do. You do too.

30 days has certainly expanded far further than we anticipated. This is April. My intention was never to create this as a burden, or an obligation, so my vote is lets think about the end of shamans in the raw, maybe at the end of the month, maybe now, and disband it.

Anyone else?

A Grand Experiment

Shamans in the Raw simply started as a 30 day experiment. How would we feel if we went raw-ish for 30 days? I recall offering it out because I had been doing it for a few weeks and felt great, and Lauren had been doing it for months at that point.

At the end of 30 days you all decided you wanted to continue with another 30. Then another 30.
Then we began to talk about how we could let the world know that this truly makes a huge difference in how you feel.
We began to talk and think about ways to take the green juice out there. We began to talk about projects and got excited. We spun it off into a different night for meetings.

And then-we began to fall into old patterns. Did we fall off of raw too?

I can only speak for myself. I know the last few weeks I have been adding protein here and there. Chicken, fish, and some eel. I dropped to raw during the day and a cooked dinner. Not every night, but enough, and not just cooked, cooked animal protein. In alot of ways I felt better at first. Maybe that was the lull?

But I started to notice that while my poops still floated, I was having a harder and harder time getting up in the morning. That bounce I had been enjoying for months, wasn't there. I was waking up and groaning. I felt tired again despite taking my vitamins, and despite the green juice. Then I wasn't sleeping that nice deep sleep I used to have with raw. My sleep was restless again, disturbed.

I've been reaching for apples and bananas. A handful of almonds instead of trying recipes. It hasn't been as much fun, and I haven't been taking care of myself. It has been heavier overall. I feel dragged down. But. I wonder if it got heavier because of the food I was eating or was I eating heavier food because I felt heavier emotionally? I actually got on the scale and got the tape measure out and was surprised to see that despite my feeling heavier I was down.

Somehow eating raw makes me feel invincible, like I can do anything, and eating the cooked foods and the proteins makes me feel more defeated. Is that the right word? Defeated? Maybe not defeated. Maybe just plodding vs flying. It definitely is a heavier feeling overall.

Anyone else?

Not Sleeping Tonight

I told you all about that pulsing golden light over my alter two nights ago, so tonight I set my alarm so I could see if it happened again.

I came home tonight and took a look at the stones on my alter again to see if there was anything remarkable there. There isn't. A few of my Peruvian meteorites, a crystal Lina gifted me, some stones that used to be in my mesa, and I did have a gateway.
I had the stones laid out in a small gateway on the dresser.

Could it have been the gateway? The light wasn't just over the gateway though, it was over the whole alter area. Amazing.

It was so dark over the dresser tonight, the constrast was startling. NO light, nothing. In fact, deep shadow. I don't know what the light was the other night, but it appeared to be some sort of download. It pulsed, and had vertical striations to it. Bright golden light. Lasted for quite awhile. I remember sitting up and looking at it.

Tonight as I looked at the shadows and stillness I decided if it happens again I'm going to get out of bed and examine it closer!

At 4am in my bedroom it is dark. No light from the windows. The top of the dresser is dark dark dark.

Course then I couldn't go back to sleep so I have an early start on the day.

Monday, April 16, 2007

wonder woman syndrome.

so ive been watching all of these women around me, (including myself), do it all. They are the mother the father the husband the wife the lover the hero the provider the teacher etc...and im watching them worn out. im watching them tired. what are we trying to prove?...we know we can do it all. clearly. but if we can share the load, allow others in to take off some of the pressure, allow ourselves to release our grip on doing it all why wouldnt we? what would happen if we let go on the strangle hold of 'all'....that 'no i can do it' or 'its ok i got it'.... are we afraid of looking weak? or not being competant? or is it simply control...we do it best? or do we not want to bother anyone? what is it? or is it all of the above? have we just 'had' to for so long that we think we know how to keep it all together? im tired of doing it all... i know i can. ive proved it. im a wonder woman. but im beat. and bored of this way. i know the future is the group the community ive known this since i was a child hence the farm... but whats the reluctance? is it how to have me in a group? how to 'own' my own in a group and no get lost? if i let you wash the dishes today so i can rest i mean what is really going to happen? im i afraid of looking lazy? this was a mirror of what i watched tonight with my sister. shes this amazing mother woman goddess and shes spent and doing it all and no one can help her....so what is it?

Saturday, April 14, 2007

NATURAL SOLUTIONS FOUNDATION

I was sent this email from
Rima E. Laibow, MD
Medical Director
Natural Solutions Foundation
www.HealthFreedomUSA.org

You can watch her on her website NATURAL SOLUTIONS FOUNDATION and why she wants us to get involved. She's pretty strong. She makes some salient points that make you stop and think. Pass the link on to people you want to see it or that might be interested. She's kinda militant and she's definitely passionate.

Pass this on. DEMOCRACY IN ACTION

Since we are talking about small steps, this may be one that interests you. I filled out the form and clicked. I believe in our having our health freedoms, and the right to take herbal supplements. I believe in bio-identical hormones, but most importantly I believe in our right to have a choice.

Read and decide for yourselves.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Exercise


The other day I was pouring a cup of coffee and listening to some salsa music. I think it was B TRIBE Kathy! I thought "man, why can't they just have exercise shows that are fun and like dancing or something?"

Well talk about manifesting!

I was flipping through the ON DEMAND option on Comcast later that same day, and lo' the have exercise shows on demand!
That means any time you want you can do a show, rather than having to fit it in to your schedule. But better yet-they have a whole series ON DEMAND of exercise DANCE classes! Yahoo!

They have Hawaiian dance which I did and can tell you was a whole lot of FUN!
They have salsa classes
They have hiphop classes

This was amazing fun, and a lot of good exercise. Those Hawaiian women have thighs of steel I tell ya! They can crack coconuts with their knees. I am so impressed. You do a half hour of hula and you have exercised all the right places. 45 minutes and you won't be able to walk the next day!

I felt awesome, and have had a great time doing them this week about every other day. Try it if you have Comcast. I wish I could record them-they are that good!

Quinoa Pasta...ew!


Ok, so remember I said once that you NEVER mess with an Italian's Italian food? And remember how I don't like them using the same "name" for their "new" foods?

Here's a prime example. I have NEVER had to throw an entire pot of pasta out...until now. I bought ANCIENT HARVEST'S QUINOA PASTA at the urging of Marilyn. She came up to me with a package and said "Oh look! If you fix this you can eat with the family!" as if I am in exhile...yeah that same week...

Anyway-I bought it. It was easier. I decided to try cooking it tonight. It cooks fast. In 4 min. I had a pot of sticky, icky chunky stuck together ooz. The water had turned so thick it was pasty. The taste was like dough. Horrible mess. I plan to take the empty box back to Wild Oats and let them know. Meanwhile they discontinued carrying a really GOOD quinoa product. I am going to be a pro-active voice this time and not a passive resentful whiner shopper. Hah!

But be warned. It is NOT pasta. It does NOT sub for it. If you must eat pasta, try the whole wheat, or better, do the spinach and or the tomato pastas. Very good.

I made a great sundried tomato pesto raw sauce and I am going to spiralize some zucchini and be delighted beyond compare.
Have a good evening!

Understanding Colors


There has been such an interesting MISSED understanding about the color, and I have to say it's probably my fault for not explaining it my way, and instead posting on my website Joe's and Larry's interpretation. Out of deference for their process, I was loath to mess too much with it, but given the latest balking and protests, let's regroup and take another look at it all.

I've spent the morning on my website, on the community page, and I have taken down all the other information that was there. I am posting my own interpretations of the color frequencies and the way in which they speak to me and through me and what they mean, and incorporated it into what has become Sacred Source.

Click on the link, and then go to the community page for a brief beginning to an understanding of the colors.

AYNI WASI

To me, there is nothing but the energy of color and the life within and because of it. When someone is ill, they have disconnected from a color frequency. When we track and find the color they are missing, we can help them back into Ayni. Back into balance. When they have experienced a trauma, there is a specific color or colors that they will begin to block from reaching them. When we do healings we are reconnecting them with those colors.

If this interests you, talk to me and if we have enough, I will teach a weekend class. It's already waited 4 years though, a few more won't hurt if the time still isn't here. I'm becoming very patient.

Celestine Prophecy

If you don't know the story, it's about a young man's awakening to the laws of the universe, and 9 prophecies that have been discovered in a village in Peru, and how he is led through 'coincidence' on a trip down there.

Paraphrasing the 9 prophecies, that he discovers for himself on the journey-coincidentally. :)

1. We live in a world of coincidence and synchronicity that seems like destiny.

2. As we awaken we will create a new world view of the Universe as energetic and sacred.

3. We will discover that everything around us, all matter, stems from a divine energy that we can see and understand.

4. We will see that our sense of disconnetion from Source has caused us to 'take' energy from each other and this has caused conflict.

5. The solution comes from reconnecting to the Divine. This will fill us with unlimited energy and love and lift us to a higher awareness.

6. In this awareness we release our patterns of controlling and discover our truth and mission to share that raises humanity.

7. We discover our inner intuition that shows us where to go and what to do. IF we make only positive interpretations, a flow of coincidences will open doors for our mission to unfold.

8. When enough of us enter this flow, giving only positive energy to the Higher Self of everyone we meet, we build a new cuture where our bodies evolve to higher levels of energy and perception.

9. In this way we participate in the long journey of evolution: to energize our bodies, generation by generation, until we can walk into a heaven we can finally see.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

my bio...my 'PRACTICE'...

So ive had a really hard time with this concept. Ive been working on a few websites for a really long time now years in fact and Im wondering what the hold up has been..or if it was in fact a hold up...I think now the websites have been place holders for something I knew would come in the future but that wasnt clear yet or defined...2 nights ago (after an amazing meditation class) I pulled an all-nighter. I got into bed and kept trying to sleep but I kept hearing get up get up get up time to work! I turned on my computer at 7 hours later I had my 'bio' for my 'professional healing practice'. something had clicked during the meditation, the post meditation talk, and a tea I had with a friend after...so many things from years ago months ago that day came together----and I watched it as lights with sticky ends pulling sifting through these moments that all of a sudden all clicked into place...for me that was the 'evolution' moment. My own internal '100 monkeys' that all finally got it. Its so cool when that happens...

Then yesterday I went to Columbia to hear a talk (my first visit to the arhitecture dept in a LONG time)...it was just a 'lens' change but the same stuff that Ive been working on with this work...the same questions the same everything just a different vocabulary ... language a different physical manifestation of ideas...it was really amazing. So in rethinking this notion of 'practice' I think it depends on what scale one comes in at it...My 'Practice' on the grand scale is me. Ive pretty much figured that out...but the ways in which I explore what I find and translate and manifest what my reality is becomes my imprint externally - my body of work that I share outside of me...Anyway you all probably get this or have known this and I did too...but this was the progress mark the last guy over the hill to go explore the next one...clearing or understanding an issue that was at 99 and just was waiting for 100 to move forward...

The Process of Filling Ourselves


When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things; your family, your children, your health, your friends, and our favourite passions; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your House, and your car.

The sand is everything else; the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.
Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of glasses of wine with a friend."

hello.........

how are you all doing??
felt like i needed to send a roll call ! hee hee....
i probably just miss you guys.....
how was class last night?

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

diamond shaped sacred cow orbs...



So many of the pics I took in COsta riCa have orbs -- but this one is very different...ive never seen diamond orbs like this....These are brahman cow (the sacred cow of hinduism)...they are all over costa rica... these guys were on the dirt pass to my farm in front of an abandoned school house...interesting huh? ive just never seen a shower of diamond orbs like this....circles i used to think oh its the light or the flash etc....but when i looked at this one I was like huh maybe theres something to it....im not sold yet but interested....very interested....

Pam's Streaking Orb



So because it is an orb day, I'm posting Pam's wonderful picture...so we can all look at it again. Do you think we are being "helped"? DUH! Beam me up Scottie. LOL

ORBS at Thanksgiving-putting words in my mouth



My Dad came to Thanksgiving Dinner Afterall See it about in my mouth? Double click to get it in a bigger image. It's pretty cool really. Dad always was a ham for the camera.

I don't think I ever showed any of you this picture my mother took at Thanksgiving. My father died in this house, and he always did love a party! There is Neno-doing a fine imitation of my father-he always seemed to fall asleep on the couch!

It's a terrible picture of me-don't you just love those candid snaps?! Do you think Dad was trying to put words in my mouth? Oh well-orbs to all of you! :)

Amazing Grace and ORBS



I thought this would be a good way to begin your day. I swear I see a face on the picture of Amazing Grace 2, its the one with the ball of light to the left.
I woke up this morning thinking, I am going to take my time and drink my coffee and write, then I look out the window and see huge things happening in the sky, so on with the clothes and out the door I go. I is very cold out there today, up in the hills, but the dynamics happening in the sky have me totally captured. It just fills me with sooo much energy and I feel sooo lit. I am going to do a book of the sky, to put on your coffee tables, or for your meditation or contemplation. Does it strike you like it does me? We live in such a beautiful place...this Earth, can we be kinder to her, Lady Gaia who provides us with so much. We take much and seem to be returning very little. Can we raise our awareness and see the blight we create. If we create it, can we not be responsible to change it. If you could imagine what it would be like if we all went solar and off the grid. We could be breathing the clear air pictured in Amazing Grace...Doesn't it just give you chills (the good kind, the kind that lets you know you have touched the sacred).
Be well...Be Happy...Be Blessed...

Monday, April 9, 2007

Goji Lemonade and Chocolate Shake

So today I made Omars goji lemonade...it tastes really good...and EXACTLY what I need for energy...I have deep black circles sore lymphs and sore body all over....I am catching the cold before it catches me...Its been very cold here and have been running around doing a lot with my mom moving and me getting ready to leave again...my body is so sensitive to stress or change...I have to really be on top of everything and connected...AND LISTEN...I kept getting that I needed more oils so I got right on top of it and began downing an oil blend...its helping...the key for me is not being lazy or ignoring what im getting.......im not letting this bug in! OOOHHH and I need to take a hot epsom salt bath...man that sounds soooo good --- IM FREEZING internally...

Also I made the chocolate shake the other day (in a big batch) and still have it in the fridge....SO yum...

I miss Omar's but this is a good tide-me-over until May....

Pam did you say you needed the Goji lemonade? He gave it to us that day but i can post it if you guys need it...let me know.

Sunday, April 8, 2007

The Face of God



Have a Happy Easter - Feliz Pasqua!

colors...

so ive been reading and re-reading the colors...i keep asking what color i am and i do keep getting all --- (obviously) --- then i ask if i was one color what color would it be and it keeps shifting. is this my fear of being limited or defined? probably. do you change colors? i mean taking one of those photographs i would be different each moment im sure? or maybe not? huh i should get one...ive been reading the traps more as a way of figuring out which one sounds closest rather than positive aspects as im sure im somehow a little stuck in a trap still ... i also get i will understand and see it soon...

Easter Goodies


I'm sitting here watching the effects baskets of candy have on two small children. All that sugar going down their throats just as fast as they can shovel it in. Unfortunately, they also received very long-stemmed butterfly nets, which in combination with the sugar high is a little dangerous in my house. Good thing the munchkins are so short - they were only able to come within 2 inches of the rotating ceiling fan.

So I'm sitting here thinking - what if? What if parents had the option to purchase an all-raw Easter basket for their children? One that contained fruit leathers, dehydrated cookies, and jungle toys and books - all with the ShamaMama logo. What if we also offered packages for other holidays for both children and adults: Valentines (chocolate truffle comes to mind), Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Mother's Day, Father's Day. What if we set up a website and took orders off the Internet as well as fast-food outlets? What if we set up little kiosks in malls next door to Mrs. Fields and sold these alternative sweets? What if we used a portion of the proceeds to provide these treats to homeless and/or low income families?

All this thinking just because my ceiling fan almost bit the dust. I knew there was a reason these kids keep showing up at my house. By the way, nothing's more fun than watching little children get excited. Catherine Ann, you can probably attest to that.

Saturday, April 7, 2007

numbers...

so did you guys want me to go ahead and get the tix?
im here until Sunday so let me know asap....!
i have all of the numbers...

Chez Panisse School Lunch Initiative

Here is a link to the school lunch initiative. The chef at Martin Luther King threw out 4-day-old pizzas and was thrilled saying that they USED TO make 40 pizzas a day. What does this mean to her? It means the KIDS are making healthier choices because they are offered healthier choices. The new Initiative has been in place since 2004-so not long.

I do believe that given the choice the kids will WANT healthier foods. I am really feeling like PC is the perfect place to start the raw food initiative here...anyone else feeling this or is it just me?

This could be a great research project, and a start to the green juice smoothies. If we could get kids to LIKE THEM and WANT THEM, don't you think that that would be great news making?

Can't wait for our meeting!

VITAMIX Blender


Wow, I am really impressed with what I am learning about the Chimp diet, how I feel with more greens, and what I am learning about the Vitamix blender. I got on the Vitamix website and they have a slew of recipes too.

By the way, if you think the $365. price tag at Costco is alot-they sell for $479-$574. on the website! Depends if you want the Super or the Deluxe, what color, and if you want extras. It could run even more. So! Costco is a savings.

It's a mighty machine for sure. Now, the Vitamix 5000 itself is $399. $419. if you want it in red Pam, so you know.

If you miss Costco's demo week in Murray (Apr 13-21) you can catch them in West Bountiful (May 18-27). They rotate between the stores and come once every six months. They aren't due back to SLC downtown for about 4 mns. I checked Ogden-they were there last month. I saw them, was impressed, didn't buy it. Hmmm.

After having read Bortenko's book now though, I am feeling different about the mighty machine. One of the things I like is that we can actually utilize all that pulp we have been gripeing about throwing out. (I put mine in the dehydrator today-will let you know).

240 miles an hour! Wow!
I watched their little video demonstrations which are pretty informative. Click on the images on the right side. There are 4 of the little video demos.

Grapes, strawberres, a banana and ice-there is your smoothie.

It can make HOT raw soup. Run the container for 4 min and you get steam coming out! They call it "friction cooking". Now that's going to be way too hot for us rawish people, but what about 2 minutes?

I am going to take that sorbet maker back after watching the video because it can make that frozen treat I was thinking I was gonna make. Silly me!

Friday, April 6, 2007

From the Front Lines


I realize that "waging war" is not exactly the mantra I want to portray, but that is exactly what happened in my kitchen last night. Come hell or high water, I was determined to make the raw vegetarian spring rolls sold at Wild Oats. I brought out my 3 different brands of rice paper (two were made from some type of flour, not rice) and started them soaking. Then the fun began. I brought out my new OXO mandoline and attempted to make julienne carrots. What a joke! Chuck finally had to take over because I just wasn't strong enough to push the carrot down with the stupid hand device. Fortunately, he could somewhat work the thing. The mandoline actually worked pretty well with the cucumbers and jicama (which I added because my cucumbers weren't crisp). Did I mention that the first thing I did was cut my thumb dropping the jicama? Then we started rolling the ingredients in a piece of lettuce, and tried out each of the 3 types of papers - I say 'we' because it took the two of us to figure out how to roll the papers - me being one-handed with my thumb wrapped in plastic trying not to bleed all over the vegetables! Chuck looked pretty funny trying to pick up dissolving rice papers out of a pan and laying them out flat. We rolled about 12, but it wasn't until the last 5 that they actually looked like the real thing. The picture isn't mine, by the way, but it is a pretty good facsimile.

Lessons learned: 1) don't overstuff (very crucial), 2) use a soft lettuce with no hard centers on the leafs that will poke out and tear the paper, 3) don't use tapioca-flour papers, 4) don't oversoak the rice papers, 5) make the rolls at least an hour before eating, and 6) buy an electric mandoline - which I ordered today on the Internet.

They actually tasted and looked like the real thing, especially since I found a bottle of Thai sweet chili pepper sauce at Wild Oats that must be the exact stuff they include with their spring rolls. Warning - the Wild Oats spring rolls package doesn't mention it contains sugar, which is the main ingredient on the bottle I purchased. I'm now going to try and come up with a sauce recipe that uses agave or raw honey and possibly add psyllium or agar-agar to thicken it.

The moral of this story? I'm hoping it's practice (and using the proper equipment) makes perfect.

From a friend...The shortest fairytale...

The shortest fairytale...

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you
marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!" And she lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many boyfriends, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants, and burped, swore, and farted all the time.

The end.

the good girl....right on target.....

The good girl thing....YES and YES. Was just talking to a friend about this last night we both said that because we had a very difficult parent we learned to notice everything around us almost like a perfect scientist testing, knowing, being ready for what we were going to face with them once we opened the door...if we heard laughs or heard a tv or smelled something specific or felt something or saw a line in a face move a certain way....we knew what was coming....we had to so that we werent suprised caught off guard....but we became masters at this...doing it with every friend teacher lover spouse etc...we would modify our behavior accordingly perfectly each time. If this then this....if he smiles this means its ok to then do this - if she turns around quickly it means shes angry with me -- if his mouth moves that way im disappointing him....amazing....we said last night imagine a world where we didnt modify our behavior we werent/didnt have to be so self conscious and controlled.....wow....that would be free...

Its funny no one taught me this (well questionable lets just say...to my knowledge...) its just something i did from an early age...maybe a coping mechanism to be loved to feel safe to feel included not be abandoned...very young... so of course when i was 18 i freaked out at my parents and said 'I have no idea who in the hell i am?? A perfect actress a chameleon' Ive been playing roles all of my life to keep things going smoothly to be the peacemaker...! No wonder we get sick and hide or even hibernate like the woman in costa rica....it is boundaries and also something else...its this internal monitor or dial that has been set to 'self-monitor self-control self-regulation for others' WHAT AN ILLUSION/DELUSION! It is all in my head huh...I get that loud and clear...

time to smack the shit out of that dial!!! i keep seeing myself hitting it over and over with a baseball bat....hmmm yep that hit a nerve....hahaha.....