Thursday, October 25, 2007



See, this all leads to
Re-installing the old story!

The Re-action, is a Re-sponse to an old stimulus.
When we clear the triggers, we don't get the RE-new, we just get NEW.

Then we can simply do it another way
because that old stuff-it's gone.


So i had a 2 - 1/2 hr session last night with a was really cool. She shifted huge pieces...At the end of the session she said, 'you know Id never looked at it that way, I dont know why I had just assumed that I had to be on defense with the universe...Why havent I assumed that I would be supported and protected by it?' We both kind of chuckled at the simplicity of the point...

My mom brought up the same point this morning she said why am I just assuming that there isnt a relationship out there that im interested in? why not assume there is? Its so simple is almost stupid. I love it... Really working on Keeping It Simple.

Its almost a no-brainer once all of the old stories are cleared out...This letting go and being open...

I also realized to how important it is to cultivate those new feelings at early stages. When the client from last night got a new image at the end of a big piece this very new VERY different feeling was there and I told her it was up to her to just play with how this new feeling feels explore it and grow it and nuture it if she wanted to...Just reminded me too to nuture and be open at beginning stages...

Felt really good to do a session it had been a while...

Water as a Metaphor

Water...Emotion, like the river they seem to be running quite high right now. There is beauty in this fast running water. Symbolically it reflects how fast we are working through emotions that no longer serve us. I love how we are connection to the solidarity of ourselves as a group and as individuals. Can we also move into the quiet depths of still water, can we appreciate our moments of this quiet, alone time. In look at the pictures I chose I thought also that they are still part of the canyon as well, connected to the rocks and flora.
As a child I liked being alone as well as having my friends. I don't know that I have experienced loneliness. I have had longing for a particular person or persons but loneliness, I don't know. Alone is a state of being, while loneliness is an emotion of not feeling isolated, emptiness. Is my cup full or empty, hmmmm.
In observing myself and those around me I see us all coming to the place that we are totally anchored in the center of our beings. Coming to the place that we have the memories of our experience but not the triggers of that it experience.
The picture of the trees in the mist describes for me what lonely would look like. Although there is stark beauty in this frame.
We are all so beautiful......AHO

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Going too fast

I got myself really worked up tonight, driving home talking to a friend. By the time I got to walmart and by then was really going fast, I realized that I wasn't sure how to come down off that high! It was a great high, but I also worried. I heard myself thinking "oh oh. I'm not going to be able to calm down from this one." which is such an odd statement to make!

I kept hearing my mother's voice then, saying "Joy, you're going to make yourself sick. Now stop it."

This is directly related to what we were talking about tonight with our mother's rules. It's not safe or ok to be emotional-good or bad! I could see Bo with her little face against the door.

It's not ok to get really excited! It's not ok to have your emotions-even the good ones!


cultivating openness

There is nothing more beautiful than watching someone in their power in that calm centered grounded space....Its strong is ancient its wise. Ive been thinking a lot about this idea of what beauty and power means to me - its this strength and confidence that is so authentic that can be witnessed in certain people who are in their center in their root, when someone is open to experience and not living in fear of future or past.

Its a grounded feeling of watching someone in the moment, in a moment. Someone who quietly has center and holds it, its neither aggressive nor assertive, its almost the opposite thats happening like a steady strong rock amidst an ocean. And that silence has a depth and intensity and has more power and strength than ive really understood before at a visceral and conscious level....hmmm interesting.

I know I feel this when I am open. I am centered. There are no questions there are no answers, its just open and it creates the most beautiful authentic sacred space. Its this intense strength that before felt almost unnerving and foreign and i kept trying to tip toe around and between but now feels like what I had been missing and not been able to own before or see clearly. I am in an experience I am curious, I learn, I grow, I feel empowered, I feel inspired, I feel creative, I feel alive, I feel beautiful.


Its like returning to something thats always been there, ive always known. Its very primal. Its not found in language or gesture or anything that is a symbol or sign or expression of the original, it IS the original, this fearless strong space with the voice the song the feral raw heart beating breath root.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

A few good quotes to make you think...

“How can I follow my heart when it's waiting around for the rest of me to make the decision?”

“Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart.”

“Anger is a wound gone mad.” -- Vanna Bonta

“Madness is to think of too many things in succession too fast, or of one thing too exclusively” -- Voltaire

“You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.” -- Robin Williams

“Maybe thats what hell is. You go mad, and all your demons come and get you just as fast as you can think them up.”
-- Anne Rice (the vampire chronicles author)

“If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.” --Andy Rooney

“You can only come to the morning through the shadows.” --JRR Tolkien

“Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think.” --Horace (ancient roman poet)

and another one from Horace;
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; it's lovely to be silly at the right moment”

The effect of living backwards

"That's the effect of living backwards," the Queen said kindly: "it always makes one a little giddy at first-----"

Take another look at the picture. It 'appears' to be in front-but it's behind. It's also the center of her field of vision as she is trying to move forward...

or is she really moving backwards?

See...we have to keep the past in perspective...where do we keep the past? Is it in the center of our now?

This is the story of my marriage:
Queen of Hearts: I am NOT in the habit of talking to myself.
Queen of Hearts: Even though it's the only way I can get a decent conversation around here.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Experience Last Night

It was about 11pm and I was on the computer. I looked down at my hands, and the veins were all plumped out. I felt fine but noticed it.

Now I had that manic sort of energy yesterday. I thought of doing some trauma work, but went to bed instead as I felt fine.

At 2am I woke up. It felt like I had been bounced into bed, I slammed back into my body WHAM. I sat up and started to wake T because I couldn't get my breath. I mean, it was like I had forgotten HOW to breathe. They wouldn't inflate. Just then, I managed to get a big gulp of air, and then another, so I never woke T.

My heart was slamming in my chest, my whole center was on fire and I had to get up and walk around the house. It cleared pretty quick. No images at all...except of bazooka bubblegum. A large bright pink sticky mass as I was coming back into the body.

Anyone else have an odd night last night?

Sick as a dog

Shaman friends, I am sick with a virus, food poisoning, or cleansing. I am too sick to track and really want to know what the cause it. Not sure why, just seems important. I hope it's not goint to be as long of night as I think. Too bad the bathroom is so far away..........

Fibber McGee's Closet

Momma used to say that's like Fibber McGee's Closet. I guess Fibber McGee was a radio comedy she listened to as a little girl. During the radio show at some point poor old Fibber would forget and open the closet door and all would come tumbling out, guess it always got a good laugh.

Of late, I have been thinking more and more about this proverbally closet. It's in our head isnt' it, all the stuff that we have packed away for years and lifetimes. Pushing and Pushing more and more in and then using our whole life force to shut the door. I see us standing their shoulder against the closet door shoving with all our mights and then with a shift of our hip the door finially latches. To our dispare, something or someone comes along and quite innocently turns the door knob and all comes tumbling out with an incredible racket and we scramble quickly to put it all back in before someone sees our awful mess.

These loops in our brains, these automatic pilots are running the show. I should make this more personal, my automatic pilot has been running the show. Someone turns the knob, or as we typcially say, pushes our button, and out flies the mess. On all levels we experience our little Fibber McGee Closets, physical mental emotional and spiritual. And like blind gargoles we protect our little treasures, jumping on top of the pile of rubble spread eagle with arms and legs extended snarling at anyone who tries to show us "HEY THIS IS JUNK".

It's time to change isn't it. It feels to me like it is time to turn the knob, give the gargole the boot and let go of all the junk that keeps us tied to the past, to the woundings, to the limits of old energy.

Open the door Fibber, it's time to bust out!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Into the Heart

As I do more and more of the trauma resolution on myself, and reclaim more and more of myself, I am feeling so much energy in my central meridian that it almost feels manic. More than I probably have had in my entire life. I have to remind myself that it's ok. It's a good thing. It's so foreign for me to feel so much lifeforce. Especially after the internal bleeding I've had recently.

I got used to being at half mast so to speak. And as is typical, we don't realize how bad we were until after we are back from the dead.

My heart starts pounding, my veins feel like they are overloaded. I have to calm myself, and let the inside of me know this is good. Not high alert. Good thing, this much energy. This must be why Kathy bikes and why people run. I am thinking of buying some running shoes.

I can feel this pulse of life in every cell. My skin feels hot and my fingers are throbbing. I can feel the throbbing in my lips! I feel giddy with being alive. (It'd be such a bitch to have a heart attack NOW wouldn't it!)

For someone who has run cool to cold their entire life, with a low core body temperature, low thyroid function, low adrenall function, this is unusual! Very unusual.

Of special interest to me are the soul parts that were heretofor unavailable. I know that the brain integration has made this possible. It's all working perfectly, you know? We are lead to exactly what we need, and when we need it.

If any of you saw the clouds tonight at sunset-the most beautiful pink colors possible!

Jac said it best today: I'm finally at the place where my future is now my present.

The White Queen

Do you remember The White Queen in Alice in Wonderland? She was a bit mad, remember? I do love her so!

Here's a bit of Alice in Wonderland with the White Queen:

`It's dreadfully confusing!' says Alice.

`That's the effect of living backwards,' the Queen said kindly: `it always makes one a little giddy at first --

`Living backwards!' Alice repeated in great astonishment. `I never heard of such a thing!'

` -- but there's one great advantage in it, that one's memory works both ways.' (says the Queen)

`I'm sure mine only works one way.' Alice remarked. `I can't remember things before they happen.'

`It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards,' the Queen remarked.”

– Alice in Wonderland

“`Oh, oh, oh!' shouted the Queen, shaking her hand about as if she wanted to shake it off. `My finger's bleeding! Oh, oh, oh, oh!'

Her screams were so exactly like the whistle of a steam-engine, that Alice had to hold both her hands over her ears.

`What is the matter?' she said, as soon as there was a chance of making herself heard. `Have you pricked your finger?'

`I haven't pricked it yet,' the Queen said, `but I soon shall - - oh, oh, oh!'

`When do you expect to do it?' Alice asked, feeling very much inclined to laugh.

`When I fasten my shawl again,' the poor Queen groaned out: `the brooch will come undone directly. Oh, oh!' As she said the words the brooch flew open, and the Queen clutched wildly at it, and tried to clasp it again.

`Take care!' cried Alice. `You're holding it all crooked!' And she caught at the brooch; but it was too late: the pin had slipped, and the Queen had pricked her finger.

`That accounts for the bleeding, you see,' she said to Alice with a smile. `Now you understand the way things happen here.'

`But why don't you scream now?' Alice asked, holding her hands ready to put over her ears again.

`Why, I've done all the screaming already,' said the Queen. `What would be the good of having it all over again?'”

–Alice in Wonderland

Hot Hot Hot

Remember that song? It's kind of a Jamacan little ditty. I sang it with friends while dancing in a congo line in Key West. I thought Key West was hot, I didn't know what hot was then. Now I do!

So I went to a neighborhood party last night and I have to tell you this story because it is too funny not to share.

My neighbor Connie is just a wild woman. Irish Catholic now converted Wicken. How do you spell Wichen? Well you catch my drift. She is turning 50 and in the boat with the rest of us. So we are exchanging meopause Hot Flash stories. Connie says, well I heard if you take 4 really deep breaths that it will help and it works. She says, I just run outside on my back porch NAKED and take four deep breaths, praying the neighbors don't see me. I'm going to be in trouble soon because the leaves are falling off the trees!

SO there you have it girls strip off, run out side and breath deeply. One of us will come haul you out of jail if you are arrested.


Saturday, October 20, 2007

Movies, movies, movies

I've been sitting here all morning surfing the Internet and watching very old western movies with my 80-year-old father. Interesting to see Clint Eastwood with pimples on his chin. While surfing, I ran across an interesting website written by a geologist turned mystic: Preparing for the Great Shift. He states that according to the Arcturians, movies are "critical to the galactic transformative stage" by their capacity to initiate shifts in human consciousness. This is because movies are actually third-dimensional manifestations of a fourth-dimensional reality (the astral realm). He has also published a list of movies that have received a higher dimensional blessing by the Arcturians as "management training films." I was surprised to see that the list contains most of my favorite movies! He gives the URL for a website that allows you to search for movies: The Mystical Movie Guide, and a service for spiritual movies similar to bookclubs with a monthly fee: Spiritual Cinema Circle. I'm actually considering joining because it looks intriguing.

Inching my way forward

Does the caterpillar know that it will turn into a butterfly?

Does it simply plod along, eating and inching its way through life’s stress, unconcerned for the future, aware of only the present? Or does it know what’s coming, anxiously awaiting the day when it will break forth from the chrysalis and spread its wings?

I am the caterpillar. Do I continue my story as is or do I change my story, and by changing my story allow myself to dictate my future?


was helping Jon with a sociology paper, and found this picture...what are we really seeing, and from what vantage point, and looking at what?

There was this really cool thing on the Santa Monica beach front. It's this viewing room. It has a huge curved mirror, and you turn this crank and it shows you what is going on outside down on the street. I can't remember what it was called...sort of like in that movie with Meg Ryan where she is the ex, and they are spying on her ex's apartment with that mirror? Her and the girl's ex-the ex's unite to torture the new couple...anyone know WHAT the hell I am talking about???

IF you do, let me know too. I'm feeling a bit like the White Queen this morning.
Must run!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Strange Frog Dream

I had a strange dream the other night that I havent been able to get off of my mind. It happened after I had woken up in the middle of the night then I fell asleep I guess had the dream - somehow wrote down a few words in some altered state about the dream I guess I knew I had to- then forgot about it until i opened my notebook yesterday evening. Here goes: I was sitting on the beach next to or in a giant beach nest with eggs - looked like turtle eggs - but in the burrow of the nest the hole entry across from me ( i was sort of in it) there was this giant frog in this sort of entrance to burrow laying eggs - the frog and I made eye contact it was swollen and breathing heavily and I thought oh no dont get to close its laying eggs time to get out of here.

When I woke up I guess in delirious state to write it down I just remember thinking this is really meaningful. I dont know if it is or if I was just sleepy who knows but its stayed on my mind...

Its bizarre what dreams feel really symbolic- this one just felt very significant to me...

Any ideas?

I found this:
  • Reminder of common bonds with all life
  • Singer of songs that celebrate the most ancient watery beginnings
  • Transformation
  • Cleansing
  • Understanding emotions
  • Rebirth
Also Ive had flies in here like crazy and another roach last night! I dont know whats going on - do the animals know something that i dont? There coming in here for refuge? Its never been like this and my place is more immaculate than ever? Ive never ever had roach issues??? NYC is back on some strange high alert cops in all subways ive been noticing it for days it feels very weird...good thing im getting out of here...

Found this too:

In general, insects and amphibians are associated with transitions, alterations and transformations.

Hmm lets hope so these insect raids are getting to be a bit much...i mean im transforming im ready!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


Very few posts this week. What's up Pilipintu Women?

A boost to the coconut shake

Ive added a little pick me up to the coconut shake thats really good -

1 young coconut (flesh and water)
a few carrots juiced

So GOOD!!!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Flute Expressions

I truly have to tell you how much fun I am having playing my flute. I told everyone in class last night this is the first time I have ever played any kind of musical instrument. I love music but until now never had the guts to explore it. I am having a blast. I can't believe how many different sounds I can get out of my flute. Sometimes I am playing and I hit a melody that just gives me chills. I was laughing and carrying on just a bit a go and thought, man I need to write this for everyone to see. I just can't believe the expressions you can achieve with a flute. I am listening to flute music, which I have a ton of, but I am not copying any of it, other than working on playing Amazing Grace, I love that song. This morning I mastered the starting of it. Talk about another aspect of self. I can't wait to play it in the canyons of Southern Utah.
Side work isn't

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

The Sense of Story About Us

I was watching a great series I just bought on DVD. Oh I so highly recommend it! WATCH IT!

Rent it, buy it, watch it, devour it. It's good.

It's about a group of ordinary people that suddenly start to realize they have powers, and then they start getting brought together, and there is an evil guy, and a bomb that's going to blow up NY...poor NY. Again, this is the story I started writing 15 years ago! Except they made them different races. I had them all women, but it was the same concept.

And then I realized how many things are coming about now that I 'scripted' out 10-20 years ago. It started to freak me out a bit. I had this incredible sense of being in the play, and that anything I wanted to write about was mine.

I started to literally shake all over. I was trembling. I thought, "whoa, this is it. This is what I was writing about and seeing all those years ago."

All day, conversations sounded like they were dialog that had been written. I was thinking in stage direction, and props. Looking at lighting. It was surreal. I got that it was all illusion, and could be changed in an instant.

This might go into the "too much information" bin, but here goes anyway, cuz it's the truth.
So, I had to pee right about then. Only, for some reason when I went in, I couldn't. NOTHING came out. And I really had to go!

Now right away, I started to wonder about bladder infections and stuff. I was like "Damn, something is wrong!" I could hear Bo in my head....and I kept trying and nothing. I imagined myself exploding from not peeing, and then I imagined having to go to the emergency room for antibiotics, then I imagined excruciating burning... I know i know, but the mind is so fast at creating those scenes!

But I thought, 'hey, if this is an illusion, dang, I want to change this now. Rewrite this. I'm just fine. I can pee just fine. I imagined a beautiful blue light coming down and healing me, and I gave another tiny push and viola! I was peeing just fine and have been since, aren't you glad to know.

The point is...we can have it any way we want. Do you want the bladder infection or not? If the answer is no, to anything, change it. Right then and there.

Walking Amid the Madness

BlueJay at the Window

You know, as shamans we track, and we notice. The noticing is everything. We train to pay attention to what is happening around us, how nature greets us, and what that unspoken dialog is about.

Yesterday morning I assumed my 'writing' position. I had my blanket, coffee, laptop, and was in my recliner-sans dog. I have hung that lovely copper tray outside the windown and put birdseed in it. It often has as many as ten finches all merrily munching together.

Yesterday for the first time, there was a big bluejay. She just kept staring in the window at me, taking one kernal of corn in her beak, and showing it to me. Not eating it-but gesturing at me with it. As I watched her, I was reminded of my ancient shamanic teacher that used to always say "Can you grow corn with it?" I swear I could feel Don Manual there, laughing quietly, waggling his head just the way the BlueJay was.

Meaning-sort for what is useful. Good message as I begin to write.
But the messages continued!

I glanced back and she had shapeshifted into a big magpie-quick as a flash they had changed positions soundlessly, same place, a kernal of corn in his mouth and a dead-in-the-eye look, then flash, the bluejay was back, and in slow motion she put her head back and swallowed the kernal whole.
Bluejay-shift-magpie-shift-bluejay...they were insisting on my understanding something.

They seemed to say, "do you get it?"

I said "No! More information." Just in that exact moment, a flock of ducks started quacking together in a huge burst of noise, and then shortly after that the geese started honking and I saw a formation of them fly off. Usually I never hear them, and certainly not like that. It was unusual, and perfectly timed.

I thought, "ok, let's look all this up and see the messages."

Bluejay-don't let yourself get scattered.

Corn kernals-focus on what will grow-what is useful, and toss the rest. Be selective.

Magpie-open up the doorways to the spirit. Use your metaphysical powers.

Bluejay-use your power wisely

Duck-return to the parts that need to feel safe

Goose-communicate and imprint your life path-the great quest begins.

So how is that for a message right as I am about to begin an internal quest to find those lost and wounded children?

We are so supported, so communicated with! The messages are everywhere...

Take a look at this

Visual Thesaurus-
talk about a mind map!

Try is out for free.
Type in OPEN and then watch the explosion-and let it finish because it's like a blooming flower.
Very organic, much llike an instant mind map.

I played for quite a while!


Monday, October 8, 2007

John of God


I am back from J.o.g. and have been in South Carolina visiting my mom and sister for a few days...I needed a little 'home' time after the experience....which was really amazing...its kind of hard to go into what happened fully - but ill try - there were about 1200 people there at the Omega center we formed lines to pass before him when I passed before him he was incorporated as john of god the entity - i forgot who he had channeled that day - i took his hand and he said some words to me which were interpreted by a woman who said he would like you to sit in his current room, (a room right infront of him where he chose some people to sit and hold space as well as receive healings and witness all of the entities directly - we sat for several hours in meditation with our eyes closed maybe 3-4 hours but felt timeless) then she said and he would like you to come see him in brazil...I went and sat in the current room and I have to say im not quite sure what was going on but something was palms felt like there were being cut open there were on fire it and i kept having all of these intense visuals that im still trying to recall...

Anyway second part of the day I held current as well and then second day passed before him again and he asked me again to sit and hold wasnt as intense as day one in terms of visuals and no fire palms but it was very intense-second part of day the same - third day i sat in current as well and it was very intense again...

All i know is that so much has shifted - I went in having done a lot of work and while I was there did a lot of work and now afterwards I am still sorting - it was a really beautiful experience though to be in that high love energy and I was so reminded of what my path is, of service and creation... these things have really become more prominant and clear...

I have had a lot of things clear and strengthen and I want to wait to go into all of it just yet until its settled, but much of it has been what ive been working on for a while...i wrote a list of intentions before i went and it seems that the visit was what i needed to get through some major pieces...

I have a gift for all of you guys - Im sending it out to joy tomorrow so maybe next time you guys get together she can give it to you all..

You were in my thoughts daily and I sent all of you guys whatever i got...and connected you to the light I was receiving....

Ill be back in NY on wednesday and ill fill you in more as things settle.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Dreamland again

Chuck had a dream last night and I thought I'd share his dream (don't tell him). He was in a very large garage, his garage, and friends and co-workers started coming in for a party, including a surprise guest - Tom Selleck. Then he said that I arrived with a bunch of friends (I didn't ask how many, I just knew there were 7 of us). In the dream, he said that I told him we had won the lottery, that I had wisely invested the money, and that we now had enough money to retire.

I believe I may take a road trip to Idaho on Sunday.

Monday, October 1, 2007



I had a sudden inspiration today to look at those lists that were on the blog-our blog. The list about
"if you are feeling this...then it could be this..."

I would have to say yes to all the things I was feeling, and what it really meant.
I thought I'd add the link, because some of you might need the same reminder I did! :)


Being in pieces
Going to pieces
Pieces to the puzzle
Putting the pieces together

Such a lifelong metaphor for me. It's in my language, and my thinking. It's part of tracking, healing, relating.
As an artist, I painted big pictures on tiles-all in pieces, that had to be Numbered and installed just the right way.
A single image created on multiple surfaces...that doesn't appear unless you have them all.
They have to all be there, or you can get the wrong picture, can't you?

Pieces to Peaces
could be the title hmmm?

That detective archetype I always seem to have available, collects pieces
The energy comes in in pieces
Images are in pixels, which are pieces

and then they get assembled
without the ability to assemble, we just have pieces
a lot of mess. and some people are overwhelmed with the pile of pieces. For me though it makes sense. All those piles.
Just keep sorting and focus in on the patterns that start to show up within the chaos.

We know the universe isn't random. There is an underlying order to everything. There is always a pattern
there is always order even within the chaos, and the birthing from it.

If we are too close, all we have is chaos. When we step back we see the edges, find the borders

It's no accident that I always have loved puzzles. Have done them forever.
And maybe it is that training, the puzzle training?
Find the border, the edge, and let that hold your work, and then within that border, find the patterns out of the randomness.
Sort for color, for shape.

Isn't that the same with the shamanic work? Define the edge, with the beads, then do the work within?
The beads, the puzzles, the frame, it isn't a limitation so much as a container to allow us to focus in.
Like turning the aperature of your camera.
If you want to focus in on a single leaf and you have your wide angle lens on, all you get is fuzzy. Too much information.
You have to choose a different lens, a differnt focal length. You have to let yourself agree to look, and use the tools you have so that you aren't fighting yourself.

I go back to using the beads whenever I want to focus in, look into a part of me with greater clarity. It's like changing the aperature from distant to close up.