intuitive eating and letting it be easy

im in on the intuitive eating front feeling so much better since ive been listening again - and i really feel that part about trying to not be happy or let it be too easy - joy you said that to me the other day when we had our session and that has been HUGE for me - HUGE. thank you again for that.

really i mean ive been making it hard on purpose so others including myself dont think ive got it easy or gotten it for free or without working and suffering for it like the more ive suffered the more valuable it has been...its all been somehow 'more' worth it. i think if some things have come easy theres almost a guilt attached with it. but also ive seemed to think the easy way must be a trick.

ive worked on this a lot but its shifting so much right now and its like ive had a giant breakthrough on this. since that comment that day joy ive been like 'wait a second - what else have i been making incredibly hard for myself?' surprise surprise it was nearly everything. heehee. and why am i not trusting the easy clear way?

ive always seen the easy path as the trick and the hard path as the way. its like indiana jones you can take this near death experience way with broken log ladder to get across that takes a mile over a canyon filled with man eating sharks or you can take this nice road thats beautiful scenic and is planted with wild flowers. id think wait a second it cant be that simple can it? it must be a trap. so id take the hard way end up beaten to hell. im tired of that story. really tired of it.

i keep hearing this phrase 'you can have it easy or you can have it hard either way your getting off at the same stop'

slowing down more raw and return to center

i am in sedona taking reiki I and II with my mom which is really nice. its been a really long few weeks to get here and just being out west in mountains is just what the doctor ordered. ive been hearing more raw more raw for weeks now and just have been to upside down and spun around to listen. so ive been drinking juice and raw for past two days which is feeling really good. i didnt realize how far in the other direction i had gone until a few days ago when i crashed hard after eating a piece of cake and woke up hypoglycemic feeling in the morning. thats always my sure sign that im way off.

its so amazing when your in the hustle and bustle of it all a renovation a move etc (which new york only exacerbates rather than calms) that time is also flying. the minute i got on the airplane and left new york i was like phew! instant slowdown. everything that was speeding and racing finally calmed. i realized that i need to feel like my home is settled wherever it may be and when its upside down im upside down. this renovation has been kind of tough but learned a lot. i left new york with it still unfinished (even though it was supposed to be done a week ago-but so it goes).

anyway cant wait to return to salt lake miss my friends miss the energy miss what i found there and havent felt in a few months because ive been on super fast mode. so i am officially slowing it down! lets please try to get together i really miss you guys and really hope to catch up in person!

ick ick ick - please be gone!

i dont know whats going on but this week ive been in hibernation mode again - literally trying to drag myself out but scurrying home. i felt super depressed over the past few days - that old waste of space feeling the 'nothing is making me happy' right now feeling. it was awful. but its finally letting up - i wonder how much of it is weather related too? its been so incredibly cold here. i need sunsunsun!

ive been drinking a lot of greens and started taking probiotics and enzymes with meals also adding aloe vera so im noticing some good movement (if you get my drift).

has anyone been experiencing any of this? man it crushed me the past few days. it was a downward spiral that i couldnt get out of knowing all of my tools even getting work done i just couldnt shift this. i felt so damn sorry for myself and yet its like i could see myself from the outside with my head up my ass and i couldnt do a darn thing about it! ICK!

but i do know its about feeling close and stepping into to it. i can smell it its so close and i have to stop making excuses and stepping back and just full force leap fly dive in. the limiter im putting on it though is what is the next step?? i need help! ive been meditating on that now so lets see what happens next...

there was a shift in the night last night and feeling different this morning so here goes!

how are all of you feeling?

Relationships

Ive been avoiding them really for a while now. I thought I was actually in them maybe seeing a few people here or there but I felt in control in many ways maybe because I was surrendering into the lesson and moment. I knew we were learning and growing together and I didnt feel scared I would get lost or behave like old me that fearful hurt girl who acted out and behaved badly when she didnt get enough attention - -maybe because I didnt let myself access that old bitchy me. Anyway I have been exploring new feelings with someone new and I have to thank him really for bringing these issues up in me to clear. It the first time Ive allowed myself to go here and its a bit scary I have to say but also wonderful to know that it is still possible...something I thought I had lost, a part of me that I was simply just avoiding... I was kind of needy at times (to put it nicely) if I felt someone was pulling away Id pull away even if it was just because they had to do work or go spend time with friends...Its that co-dependent thing that happened so much in my past...Why didnt I feel like they would just like me for me? That they might just want to hang around longer than sex or a day? I would pull away and be controlled and pretend I didnt care that much even when I did because I assumed they would leave and I would be hurt so I did it all first.

The recent relationships have taught me to let go completely, that if you create safe space and respect each other you know you are learning with each other and regardless of if it lasts a moment or forever, you are surrendering constantly. It wasnt that hard for me in those relationships for some reason, maybe because I thought they were more temporary or timing or who knows...but this has me a little nervous feeling which is very good and exactly what I needed, to step into this place instead of avoiding it and hiding out or stepping out in 2 week spurts then leaving, remaining the one in control... I feel very out of control in this which is good for me and out of my comfort zone -I feel like I am in surrender mode and being asked in each moment to question my motivations and my thoughts and behaviors and am just watching as old patterns leave... the old ok get close then pull away so they dont think i like them too much - or the being cryptic about plans with other people so the person knows im valuable in the eyes of others....what childish shit...god i heard myself (more like watched from somewhere else) say something that completely embarrassed me....ugh...i thought what a dunce i am....thank god for lessons and do overs and edit buttons and pencil...

more on enough..

Thats why I love having this space to post...helps see whats going on. Maybe it is just a question of what language works in the right way. Its funny at times Ive felt and experienced such incredible excess and such incredible depravity and enough seems to be a middle ground word for me.

I think Ive been learning for some years to be happy with enough and not needing more always wanting wanting wanting not enjoying or even really experiencing what was in front of me - just focused on next and more and not being in moment...But i am different and I am in moments and appreciate what i have in each moment and still am open to all that is and more and beyond...so maybe its just for me needing to be clear that thats the case... after writing that post its like hmmm.. i am clear on the fact that what ive wanted was to learn to be happy in each state excess abundance enough - and when in state of not enough making the necessary change to shift out of feeling deprived or lacking and questioning WHY i feel that way...

Enough IS Enough!

Ive been thinking a lot about this idea of abundance for a while now and what it really means and what kind of energy its sending out there...it hasnt sat well with me for a while and Ive been thinking and thinking about what the feeling actually is...Ive known the feeling, but havent known what it looks like or how to express it..its come up in various versions of the way I see my life who Im with how we live how we love one another...Ive said it for years I want something simple so incredibly simple...So sending out abundance for me has been feeling very strange and not in line with my core...its just felt heavy and weighty and too much over-saturation excess insatiable desires craving longing...

A friend of mine told me a story about one of his encounters with a man that said you know 'I just want enough'. CLICK. That worked for me. That feels clear and good in every cell of my body. Ive been saying and feeling this daily and in each moment - I say 'I just want enough, thank you, thank you.' For me whatever enough is, is enough. I dont need more excess, more is just more. When ones had enough they are filled complete satisfied sustained. Even when its used in the more negative sense like screw you ive had enough, it still has same meaning as in complete done. Enough is whatever one needs in that moment to fill filled...simple feels right too and i still send that out for certain things, but Enough IS Enough!

Ive been adding this to Feral Futures the non-profit and thinking about making buttons and tshirts that say this...it just feels right in so many ways with all thats going on and where we have the potential to go ... abundance the word or connotation conjures up the feeling of excess to me...and seems a bit unclear to be sending out as abundance and excess viewed in certain ways has only gotten us into trouble i think... Its sort of an off-shoot or addition or alternative to the abundance wave....
***
ok so Im editing the part that said lets all shout enough is enough from the highest mountain top...i think the question is really what joy said...what is 'enough' for me ....also knowing when enough is and or isnt enough...hmmm interesting...love being able to edit...

I DON'T HAVE TO KNOW

So, continuing along the same vein,
I don't have to know how.....(fill in the blank)
I only know that I have it
I am doing it
That it is
And I am

I always said "I don't know'
but if I don't have to know, and it can just come, wow that makes it so much easier.

Darn those hot flashes!

My hot flashes seem to be striking more often, even after increasing some of the homeopathic solutions I have in my cupboard. So for the last couple of months I've been trying to observe what has been happening before and after a hot flash strikes. Two things seem to bring on the hot flashes. The first is eating or drinking which seems to bring on a hot flash after about a half hour. The second happens when I have a profound thought immediately before the hot flash, although it's hard to remember the thought. The first I can attribute to hormonal, but the second? Is it possible that this is my body's way of saying, 'Pay attention. You're receiving direction.'

Any opinions?

cultivating openness

There is nothing more beautiful than watching someone in their power in that calm centered grounded space....Its strong is ancient its wise. Ive been thinking a lot about this idea of what beauty and power means to me - its this strength and confidence that is so authentic that can be witnessed in certain people who are in their center in their root, when someone is open to experience and not living in fear of future or past.

Its a grounded feeling of watching someone in the moment, in a moment. Someone who quietly has center and holds it, its neither aggressive nor assertive, its almost the opposite thats happening like a steady strong rock amidst an ocean. And that silence has a depth and intensity and has more power and strength than ive really understood before at a visceral and conscious level....hmmm interesting.

I know I feel this when I am open. I am centered. There are no questions there are no answers, its just open and it creates the most beautiful authentic sacred space. Its this intense strength that before felt almost unnerving and foreign and i kept trying to tip toe around and between but now feels like what I had been missing and not been able to own before or see clearly. I am in an experience I am curious, I learn, I grow, I feel empowered, I feel inspired, I feel creative, I feel alive, I feel beautiful.

Open.

Its like returning to something thats always been there, ive always known. Its very primal. Its not found in language or gesture or anything that is a symbol or sign or expression of the original, it IS the original, this fearless strong space with the voice the song the feral raw heart beating breath root.

Commitment and Surrender

A lot of what I have been learning the past few weeks has been about commitment. Each time I would get anxious or stressed out I would like an immediate response go even deeper into this idea of commitment...its been like training a wild horse. Everytime I would resist each time my mind tried to pull me away I would stop breathe and again go deeper surrendering even more into this commitment...

Ive been very committed to setting up a practice now here and a few hours ago i had my first paying client in a space I rented at a yoga studio (it rents by appointment so no lease hassle- and its always empty - i think i told you guys about it before). its strange i feel like such an adult! Of course, the thing I have been avoiding, commitment, is exactly what I needed. (DUH)

Also I had huge night last night, did you guys sleep well? I was dreaming this insanely intense dreams...At some point though I had this huge connection and piece came in and I got so much of the work that Joy and I had been doing months ago...I got it before but I REALLY got huge pieces about what the shamanic work is and means and that it is really a complete system of healing on its own...Im so grateful for all of the work JOY! And now I have this deeper way of seeing it now that ive give it time to process...I think that there is the key Ive finaly slowed down enough to allow it to come in...instead of the usual run run run....its quiet push deeper surrender more...and it feels so great to understand this, the connection with the piece also the other day about me having the choice to make it hard or easy...

The week fast I did last week really helped clear so much...it slowed me down even farther than I already had been...and for me thats been key to staying clear and focused and grounded...Im going to John of God at the Omega center next week Im very excited have no idea what to expect but cant wait to fill you guys in...

I miss you all and wish I could join you for the Wednesday class!

Childbirth Memories

3D Animation Of Childbirth - The funniest movie is here. Find it

See if this triggers any body memories...

The trick on us AD36

Ok Rebecca- this is a recap for you, because you are coming into this a bit later but nevertheless you are getting it-

If someone has never had a weight issue, has never struggled, been confused or frustrated with doing all the right things and not getting the results expected, then they don't understand the reason why I, and others in my same position, might feel angry, deceived and vindicated by the exposing of this infectious viral condition that just happens to cause us to gain up to 3x our body fat on the same food as others.

THIS is exactly what we have been saying for years. At least the last 20 years since the mid 80s, which is exactly when this virus seems to have come into existence. AND it's when the Infectious disease agency knew about it, and when the US population seems to have inexplicably gained 30% in bodyfat index.

We've gone to experts of all sorts saying "But I don't eat any more than anyone else, WHY am I gaining weight and they don't?" Well we were called lazy, for one thing. And told we lacked willpower, motivation and self esteem. If we really wanted it, we would be able to do it, of course!

I remember my husband saying "You are so strong, and you can do anything, WHY can't you lose this weight???" And I sat down and cried and said "I don't know!!!" I truly was trying. I had tried everything. AND I was trying the old diets that had always worked for me. And they no longer were.

As you all know, 17 years ago I finally opted for a gastric bypass because I couldn't get on top of it. I couldn't figure it out. I ate. But even if I ate vegetables I gained. Hell, we've been on rawish for what, 8 months now, and much to my chagrin, I have lost a whooping 10-12 pounds-and that's got to be half water because it vacillates. Is that normal? People tell me they shed 40, 50 60 pounds or more. Hmmmm. Ok. It took me a year to lose 15 pounds a few years ago-which I gained back...and am in the process of losing again. And I am not losing inches this time because I am no where near those size 6 pants this time.

The experts say any number of things already posted on the blog under "the rules that don't work for me".
It's your fault...that's a big one. We came to believe to the core of who we are that there was a "something" we could do to change it, and that it was happening because of something we did. Wow.

That alone is huge.

But the things we were bombarded with, and that we took in as truths were:

You are eating too much. (so we cut back sometimes to as little as 500 calories a day-way less than a normally metabolized person should have to eat.)

You're eating the wrong foods. (we modified our eating in any number of ways-and followed diets perpetuated by the thin, and the newly thin. It's a whole industry)

Cut back on calories. (we did)

Cut back on carbs. (we did)

Exercise more. (we did)

But for some of us, much to our shame and humiliation, we still checked in with little if any, significant weight and fat loss.
Even pills, shots, and various meds brought little relief.

I'm just saying WHAT IF it's this virus? And WHAT IF it isn't your fault, or my fault. What if it's true that we eat the same amount as a thin person, and we gain weight on it? WHAT IF we have 3x the fat cells, NOT because our mother bottlefed us when we were an infant-(which is when experts are saying we actually created our surplus of fat cells).

Do you know that they teach that all of your fat cells are created when you are an infant so if you are a fat baby you will be a fat adult? That's so not true! But people believe it.

Why then do we have a hard time believing in a virus that can make someone fat?

What if it's an infectious agent that they have known about since the 80s, that triggers your stem cells to turn into fat cells?
What if these same experts say "it ONLY makes people fat" so it isn't a big deal.
What if this multi billion dollar "weight gain/loss" industry has developed out of this virus and it's side effects? WHOA...talk about a conspiracy theory

Hey-40% of the people tested are testing positive. Now granted, that's 40% of the people that suspect they have been exposed. But 40% is a huge number! And 10% of those people are thin, NOT fat.

What if the pharmaceutical industry, who manufactures those weight LOSS supplements, as well as the diabetic, and high blood pressure meds that are the results of the weight gain, are perfectly happy to have us fat and getting fatter? FAT is good for the economy.

Follow the money and you might realize why there are only two doctors that are taking this at all seriously...and with little if any support or credibility coming their way because of it, and a lot of flack from their peers.

What I hear now from those same thin experts is "fat people are just looking for an excuse for being fat when what they really need to do is lose weight".

This one infuriates me. I'm by no means fat anymore, although I feel some days as if I still weigh 300 pounds. I'm 15 pounds more than I want to weigh though, after major surgery, and like Bo said, I'm no longer making myself crazy because I'm not in that size 6. THIS is my body. I accept it, flabby underarms and all.

But that prejudice that I hear still angers me. Fat people are passionate people. They are kinesthetic FEELING people. They feel MORE than others, and deeper, and they take things harder. They have huge energy-that gets expended carrying extra weight.

You pick up a couple of toddlers and strap them to your body and carry them around all the time, and tell me that it isn't exhausting. Try it. I dare you! You think they don't WANT to lose weight? THey want it more than anything. They aren't looking for a quick fix. They want to see normal results.

All these weight loss ads make me nuts too. There is a model, sporting her new 6pack-which is like near impossible for women by the way-
and in tiny size 4 font at the bottom of the ad it says " these results are not typical" so they cover their own asses. Ok, what are the typical results? A few pounds? One pound a week? One pound a month? Who can keep their motivation going in the face of that???

6 years ago I signed up with a medical clinic. I followed the program religiously-including weekly shots, and I lost a whooping pound and a half...a MONTH. I persevered though because they tell us that when you lose it slowly, it stays off. It took me more than a year to drop 15 pounds. I got down to a 6-but I still had a very high percentage of bodyfat. They were stymied. I was wearing a size 6 and my body fat was 30%. Does that make sense???

All I'm saying is that when you don't fit their box, don't keep trying to shove yourself into it, or beat yourself up because you don't fit. There is another box. And maybe, just maybe AD36 is it. It's not about finding an excuse, it's about finding something that makes sense when nothing else does.

I've called myself an addict. I've beaten myself every way to Sunday. I know this world. And, realizing that it could well be this virus that is the culprit and not my weak self esteem, or my lack of willpower-well, it's freeing.

Much like all those women that were told menopausal symptoms were in their heads...by well meaning experts that told them to go home and get a grip.

But I don't have an answer yet. What if we test positive for the virus? Then what? Is there a cure? There is NOT a conventional cure. No vaccine. Nil research in that direction. Those doctors are still trying to get people to listen to them as they try and prove that there IS a virus!

Well, the experts say once we have those extra fat cells the only way to get rid of them is lypo or other surgeries because we don't lose fat cells even when we lose weight-they just shrink. Did you know that? You lose weight when the fat cells stop "storing' and release. But you don't lose the fat cell itself. It stays there waiting to get the orders to store again.

I'm open to suggestions. I'm open to working with a group of like minded people on a research project. I'm open to using the frequencies to find a protocol that works. I'm open to all of us trying things and pooling information. But so far, we are 3. CA, me, and now you Rebecca. Think about it-those numbers in the face of all the people out there that we know are facing the same obstacles...that's daunting isn't it? Why aren't more people willing to realize that this might not be their fault? It's so much easier for people to blame than it is for people to forgive, isn't it.

Talk about hitting a limiting belief / the wall of apathy. But under the apathy is anger. And under anger is fear. And under fear is compassion...

morning realization

This morning I heard i song I hadnt heard since August when I was in a very 'rough' spot to say the least...as I listened to it it brought me right back to that moment and how incredibly beautiful it was in fact (that time) because although I was lost I was finding myself....At the darkest hours for me, I realize in those times what I was mourning was the loss of self. And the moments now I look back on with such deep emotion were the times I was in deep inner exploration...regardless of how desperate I felt at the time I was digging deep into a place that I had never felt or seen before, or a place I had lost and hadnt seen or felt in such a long time...It was a very beautiful moment this morning realizing this...something I had known but acknowledging it was so special for me....all of this work is about me Ive always known that, though sometimes I forget...being able to be in a place of complete mess complete despair and still loving it and loving me -- thats when I feel my heart. Thats how I know I can love someone else or another because I have this I know this...Its such an amazing journey inward....growing those wild things inside...those feral things that I have and am cultivating....my very own garden of wildflowers inside...When you go to a place youve never seen before never felt be it ugly or beautiful or dangerous or immaculate.....shit thats religious feeling, thats where I feel 'god' ....

great day

im back on raw today....as i mentioned in the comments I made marinated vegetables....looks delicious and smells even better...will be ready to eat tomorrow...i made a huge salad and got out my book of my own raw recipes...all of a sudden i began writing like crazy! i invented all of these creations to try out! i cant wait....it is really nice to be in my own space again, even though the kitchen is the size of a closet. I set up my juicer and im ready to go tomorrow...

I meditated for the first time back in nY...that grounded me immediately, then listened to my kirtan cd and meditated some more...the huge change was I went to the market and listened again to what my body needed....it was the first time i really HEARD something regarding food....the past few weeks have been really strange....but its like my body pulled me back to center and said follow me...i began grabbing things off of the shelf for creations of food I had no idea about! Im excited again about food....RAW FOOD YEA! this has been the longest period ive been out of it and this week especailly ive been feeling like complete crap but knew it was coming to an end... Ive been reading about Ayurveda today and thinking about what my body needs to feel balanced in this way...I will keep you guys posted on what i find for me....

its amazing how once you get back to center you realize how long youve been off...wow.....its been a long time and a lot of work these past few weeks and now my body is guiding me and i am being quiet and following....

Feeling better

So after another crappy day yesterday i think Im coming out of it...I even washed my floor! Yea! Then i passed out on it....heehee...I think my body is still processing and clearing so much ---I need good naps...Im going to focusing on finishing up the renovation at my apt here in ny which can be done this summer.

AS for raw...last night I ate the absolute worst ive eaten in a while....I think I needed to go there to clear whatever it was that was looming. Im talking fried cheese fried calamari fettucini alfredo italian desserts. HOLY SHIT. anyway I think Im ready for my juice fast and I think that sealed the deal on whatever was hanging on...hopefully thats gone.....wow. intense. Ive had many gremlins around this week....crazy voices and vices and all.... its hard sometimes this life thing...i keep trying to keep it simple and then maybe i get bored and try to add things that make it more complicated than need be...NO MORE FRIED FOOD!!!!! jesus!

RAW...reinvention....!

Ive been off raw too. It sucks.
I love raw.
This space helps me stay in touch with raw.

I vote re-invent SHAMANS IN THE RAW and keep it!

A Grand Experiment

Shamans in the Raw simply started as a 30 day experiment. How would we feel if we went raw-ish for 30 days? I recall offering it out because I had been doing it for a few weeks and felt great, and Lauren had been doing it for months at that point.

At the end of 30 days you all decided you wanted to continue with another 30. Then another 30.
Then we began to talk about how we could let the world know that this truly makes a huge difference in how you feel.
We began to talk and think about ways to take the green juice out there. We began to talk about projects and got excited. We spun it off into a different night for meetings.

And then-we began to fall into old patterns. Did we fall off of raw too?

I can only speak for myself. I know the last few weeks I have been adding protein here and there. Chicken, fish, and some eel. I dropped to raw during the day and a cooked dinner. Not every night, but enough, and not just cooked, cooked animal protein. In alot of ways I felt better at first. Maybe that was the lull?

But I started to notice that while my poops still floated, I was having a harder and harder time getting up in the morning. That bounce I had been enjoying for months, wasn't there. I was waking up and groaning. I felt tired again despite taking my vitamins, and despite the green juice. Then I wasn't sleeping that nice deep sleep I used to have with raw. My sleep was restless again, disturbed.

I've been reaching for apples and bananas. A handful of almonds instead of trying recipes. It hasn't been as much fun, and I haven't been taking care of myself. It has been heavier overall. I feel dragged down. But. I wonder if it got heavier because of the food I was eating or was I eating heavier food because I felt heavier emotionally? I actually got on the scale and got the tape measure out and was surprised to see that despite my feeling heavier I was down.

Somehow eating raw makes me feel invincible, like I can do anything, and eating the cooked foods and the proteins makes me feel more defeated. Is that the right word? Defeated? Maybe not defeated. Maybe just plodding vs flying. It definitely is a heavier feeling overall.

Anyone else?

Depression is Anger we don't want to feel

CA wrote "depression is anger we don't want to feel. I commented that with the liver, first we find apathy, then anger.
Apathy is a nice nice word for depression, in my opinion. "I don't care" "it doesn't matter" "do what you want" are all depressive statements-filled with the belief that you are unable to change anything anyway. "I don't give a shit, do what you want." But tap that, and you get anger. To keep us from getting angry-we get depressed. Right on CA. You have got it.

Hmmmm.

I woke up this morning at around 5am thinking "so what am I so angry about?" It was my first thought. So I must have been working on anger issues in my "sleep".

I realized that just as we've been talking about, the pervasive map is that we, as women, are responsible for the way everyone else feels. Add to that, that we only get to feel complete and happy if we have happy kids and a happy husband. She is supposed to fill everyone else up, AND THEN she is happy when she looks at all their smiling faces around the table. We've talked about this in class, and in the last theta class we discussed that too. (I'm glad I don't have 8 kids-the pressure alone would do me in!)

But what if they aren't smiling? Are we a failure? And, what if we are happy? Are we allowed to be happy, even if they aren't?

This morning, in the wee dark hours, I went "ok, so obviously I am angry. What am I angry about?" Oh wow, this took me to a whole new place! Remember, ask a new question, get new information.

I realized that I have been waiting for T to "get happy", for himself but also... so I could be! I can't be happy UNTIL he his, and damn it, he refuses to be happy! He will absolutely NOT let things change. According to the map we uncovered in advanced last week, we can only be happy AFTER they are, because we are responsible for the feelings of everyone else. Just like CA doing her own room last-and the screws letting go...we put ourselves last on the list. Just like Pam taking care of them so THEN she can go back to herself...we all have this. It's in the archetypical maps. Deep unconscious. No matter what our conscious self would like-we operate out of our unconscious.

If he is not a happy man, that means, I can't be happy. So every time I start to feel successful, complete, happy, it comes with the price tag of guilt and then anger...or depression...and food in the past.

It makes so much sense at the unconsious level-which feels suspiciously close to self sabatoge.

FUNGUS, MOLD, BACTERIAS, VIRUSES AND PARASITES-OH MY

I notice that I am much clearer. The aggrevation and agitation from running all the fungus and parasite frequencies has cleared. I have tons of energy. I couldn't sleep last night because my body was buzzing, literally. I could feel these tingling sensations all over. Today I keep forgetting to eat. Well, not quite forgetting, but realizing I don't need to. It's just different. Yes Rebecca, maybe it's connected to the fat burning frequencies? My body seems to just be doing what it is supposed to be doing, and I'm good with it.

BTW: I keep hearing that I need to remind you all: We must remember to add the oils if we aren't eating enough nuts. It's so important. So so important for our skin, and brain function just remember that everyone. You need oils. Good oils. I started taking the UDOs again, and immediately feel it.

Here are a few things to remember:
Fungus is connected to resentments, and so running those mold and fungus frequencies has had a definite shift. Fungus is also connected to "I'll do it later" which seems completely gone. I've been getting so much done today. Course those of you that were in BL with me when I ran these know that I was NOT feeling good the next day for sure. It was definitely a detox. I got lost, had to come back, I couldn't think clearly. Drink lots of water.

Yeast is connected to having a critical view of the world. We were talking about that weren't we girls as far as the reflections of those around us? Yeast in the colon effects the sinuses. Yeast frequencies were run this weekend on some of you-notice how you feel?

Guilt is what holds bacterias in the body. Clear the bacterias and you clear the guilt, and visa versa.

Parasites are connected to anger, and virus's are connected to victimization and worthiness issues.

So, clearing our physical bodies of these little critters definitely is going to change our emotional state. Please pay attention to these issues and let me know what you can track.

AFTER CLASS:

I came home to another hour long phone call from my brother wanting to know my memories from our childhood. This is odd for him. I can go a month without a 5 min phone call, and in the last two nights, two hour plus calls.

We are all connected. And after our having just finished class by discussing the school system, and what it does to children-he wanted to talk about his 6 year old son and what the Catholic school is doing to HIM now.

How Nic wants to lead, and they say "Nic is a natural born leader" and THEN they mark him down and say-he needs to learn to follow. My brother says "to hell with that! I WANT to foster that desire to LEAD!"... ahem-not in Catholic school but he's going to have to get to that on his own.

My brother had this AH HA because he has always considered himself a follower-second position. Sounds like me. A family imprint.

I reminded him that at 3,4,5 he WANTED to lead and the family would follow him because he was so sure he was right. He was this sturdy little adamant toughie that would stride off and we would fall in behind him.

The family myth was that he would take us all in the wrong direction. He heard that over and over and over until...you got it...shame and constipation around this situation.

And of course, as he says it, I realize I am the same way. I'm HEARING him say EXACTLY my issue back to me...he is perfectly reflecting, and I am to him. We are in syncopation. He is saying what I need to hear, I am saying what I need to hear, and visa versa!

My father wanted us to be followers-his followers. He would say "When I say run, you run. It could be an emergency, and listening could save your life. Don't you stand there and argue with me!" Very military-for a nonmilitary person. :) We learned to jump. Of course we also resented the hell out of it, and neither of us ever said "Sir yes sir, how high sir!" which would have thrilled and delighted him.

AT THE SAME TIME he would say he wanted us to think for ourselves and be independent.

But the timing on the heels of what we were just talking about is stupendous! We are all so connected!!!
Never doubt that when you work on you, you work on all. THAT'S the sort of thing that is my proof Rebecca. And I collect them as validating evidence. I can't explain it. Divine timing. Absolutely!