Relationships

Ive been avoiding them really for a while now. I thought I was actually in them maybe seeing a few people here or there but I felt in control in many ways maybe because I was surrendering into the lesson and moment. I knew we were learning and growing together and I didnt feel scared I would get lost or behave like old me that fearful hurt girl who acted out and behaved badly when she didnt get enough attention - -maybe because I didnt let myself access that old bitchy me. Anyway I have been exploring new feelings with someone new and I have to thank him really for bringing these issues up in me to clear. It the first time Ive allowed myself to go here and its a bit scary I have to say but also wonderful to know that it is still possible...something I thought I had lost, a part of me that I was simply just avoiding... I was kind of needy at times (to put it nicely) if I felt someone was pulling away Id pull away even if it was just because they had to do work or go spend time with friends...Its that co-dependent thing that happened so much in my past...Why didnt I feel like they would just like me for me? That they might just want to hang around longer than sex or a day? I would pull away and be controlled and pretend I didnt care that much even when I did because I assumed they would leave and I would be hurt so I did it all first.

The recent relationships have taught me to let go completely, that if you create safe space and respect each other you know you are learning with each other and regardless of if it lasts a moment or forever, you are surrendering constantly. It wasnt that hard for me in those relationships for some reason, maybe because I thought they were more temporary or timing or who knows...but this has me a little nervous feeling which is very good and exactly what I needed, to step into this place instead of avoiding it and hiding out or stepping out in 2 week spurts then leaving, remaining the one in control... I feel very out of control in this which is good for me and out of my comfort zone -I feel like I am in surrender mode and being asked in each moment to question my motivations and my thoughts and behaviors and am just watching as old patterns leave... the old ok get close then pull away so they dont think i like them too much - or the being cryptic about plans with other people so the person knows im valuable in the eyes of others....what childish shit...god i heard myself (more like watched from somewhere else) say something that completely embarrassed me....ugh...i thought what a dunce i am....thank god for lessons and do overs and edit buttons and pencil...