Saturday, June 30, 2007
is there possibly something else that determines the weight gain component...? can ad36 occur in people without the side effect of weight gain but can give enlarged liver kidney problems adrenals hormones etc etc...i think theres a larger piece here - and maybe variations on this dis-ease......?
How do we know for sure the ad 36 virus passes from the body in a relatively short time? Perhaps, because we are not research chickens, it finds a home in the digestive system...maybe for a lifetime. I have felt for many years that morbidly obese people have something that causes the original onset of eating and then their weight spirals out of control from there.
When I was first infected I really did not eat any more than I ever had, exercised the same amount, etc. when I started gaining weight...thirty pounds in one memorable month. My blood sugar spun out of control and I had hypoglycemic attacks. They forced me to eat, when I would not have otherwise, after I had been infected for a time.
A couple of weeks ago I started working to remove the virus from my body. I had attacks of intestinal cramps so severe I had to take Tylenol to be able to stand the pain. It happened twice-each time after I worked to remove the virus...coincidence? I think not. I am testing clear of the virus. For the first time in years I can go hours without eating and my blood sugar stays stable. I'm happily awaiting to see what happens next.
Friday, June 29, 2007
So, sugars, starches and anything I'm jonesing for should be noted as foods that create the happy Ad36 environment. Maybe even thoughts should be noted. It's the weirdest damn thing, I'll be driving along, out of the clear blue I think of fudge brownie shakes -- then my car is on auto-pilot and I'm in the back seat watching the virus order a fudge brownie shake. We used to think it was our little girl, maybe it was the virus.
I hope you expand on your thoughts or hits that "this is [not] a continuous thing". I do agree that now that the condition is here, I believe we have to treat the condition. We have excess stored energy that needs to be used or flushed. BUT I still think the virus is alive and well in me, otherwise why would we be getting the death distress signals? And if the virus isn't continuous, then why doesn't the body recover from the temporary body fat increase as it is naturally programmed to do and now that the virus is gone? And what do they test for when they are looking for people infected by Ad36, the carcass, a latent virus? What do you mean by the virus isn't continuous.
I can't remember if I had elevated liver enzymes, but it seems like that's possible. I'll dig those tests out and look at it. The thing is, my body responds to my efforts in blood tests, meaning I have great cholesterol numbers, A1C is great, even my blood sugars are good, but it never manifests in fat loss. Either I can't maintain my efforts long enough to achieve fat loss or the fat loss is impervious to my efforts. Either way no fat loss.
Changing our perception of ourselves. Okay, that has come along gradually. All the work I (we've) done on treating my little girl in a good way, healing past wounds/issues. And more so recently since I've been learning how to take care of my self esteem. PLUS learning about this virus has short circuited most of that ugly negative self talk and self judgement. You're right it's moot now.
So to address your points by number:
1.Overly abundant and active fat cells.
First of all, yes certainly we have too many fat cells. But it is a myth that they never go away. I've been following that particular idea since I was 18 years old. That's when I first went to a Dr. for liposuction because I figured that the only way I could get rid of them. Instead he sent me to Nutri-Systems. They put me on 800 cal/day. Killed my metabolism. Bastards!
It's a myth. We can get rid of fat cells. We are getting rid of cells all the time, not only fat cells all cells. We turn over all of our cells every 7 years. Dr. Oz on the Oprah show is one person who said we could get rid of fat cells. I can dig deeper on that if you want me to.
Fat cells do produce estrogen, yes, but if you balance that with progesterone it should help, at least until the problem is solved and the body can go back to homeostasis.
2.Lipo is NOT the answer. That does NOTHING to address the root cause of the problem. The answer is to first turn off the virus. And second then weight loss efforts WILL work. THEN raw food will drop 40, 50, 60 lbs like other people experience and the body will normalize its self.
3. I think we are making fat cells in abundance because the virus is actively alive in the body. I look at the Ad36 virus more like a cancer than a simple cold virus, and the tumor it is growing is the fat.
I don't understand this mechanism that the virus runs its course in 60 days after exposure. I haven't happened upon that information yet. I feel like this has been going on for years. Like 20 years. What if there is a virus exposure, active period, dormant period (while "baby" viruses are gestating), then a growth to "adult" virus for 60 days. Then dormancy. And it's cyclical? What do you think? Would that fit with your readings? Can you point me to where you read about that it runs it's course in 60 days part.
Are you saying that, oh let's say for example, I was exposed 20 years ago. I put on fat. The virus died. But the fat that I put on in those 60 days has affected my body ever since? All this is the result on one exposure? Eventually resulting in obesity, morbid obesity, heart disease, diabetes etc. Then why have all my weight loss efforts failed over the last 20 years when the virus was gone? Multiple exposures? Does that mean we have to run frequencies every 60 days for the rest of our lives? (I'm going to need my own machine, in that case.)
Okay, so these are good things to follow up on. Good thinking. I hope anyone with ideas on this will chime in no matter what the idea is.
But you wake up one morning and realize that your skin is turning green.
No one else thinks it's a big deal. It's still skin. You're healthy otherwise. You look fine. Come on. Don't be a baby.
Just wash more. Just eat different. Just get more exercise. Try this cream. But the green is getting more and more pronounced, getting greener and greener despite anything you try. For 2 months, you are getting greener. People are starting to notice.
"What is wrong with you? Stop turning green! Get ahold of yourself. You're such a baby. How can you be so weak. STOP TURNING GREEN WHY DON'T YOU!"
You smile. You cry. Inside you are thinking "what the f--- just happened to me???" You believe them, and you try, but the skin is still green. Surely you can do something about it? You are so strong!
Just think good thoughts and it will go away. And you are saying "but my skin is green!" and people say "oh you are just being dramatic! Take these pills, these shots, it will go away. Go on this special skin regime, it worked for my sister."
and it doesn't. Now you are really really bright green. You stand out in a crowd.
You feel so internally defeated by the green skin, and you are try to go on with your life and live normally, but you can't get away from the green yourself. It is on your mind all the time. You begin to only see yourself in terms of the green, and it becomes the defining factor of who you are. You forget that you are so much more.
Eventually you learn to live with your bright green skin, feeling different than everyone else, but pretending that you aren't. You start a "green skin power" group so you can raise your self esteem. You find other green skinners so you can unite because no one else understands what it feels like to have such green skin and no choice in the matter.
Some surgeons are doing skin transplants but you realize that this is your lot. You are going to make the best of it, and learn to live a full life with this green skin.
You can't hide it no matter what you do. And if you touch anything green, everyone stares at you as if THAT is the whole reason you are green. But it isn't. They don't understand. It's some silly little microscopic virus that you breathed in one day and wham...you turned green, but no one really believes that virus is real either, and you can't really prove it.
And no one cares, or listens, or is finding a cure because all it does is turns you green, and green doesn't kill you. Or does it?
We've said with things like candida, as they start to die off, they send out a distress signal to get you to stop! They are coded into your into your thoughts, so it dialogs like "I feel like I'm dying", inorder to get you to stop. When I was running it on myself, there was one evening when every insecurity and phobic response to the world was up. I laid on the couch with tears coming down my face and said to Tony "was I EVER pretty?" he laughed and said yes. I felt awful...and I realized it wasn't me. It was definitely the virus.
That gladdened me, but you are right on Rebecca when you talk about the hormonal component. That is exactly what the viruses trigger in us-they upset the hormonal chemical cart in us-and when we tip, we reach for certain things. Those chemicals directly affect mood. Mood affects our food triggers.
Hence-food cravings for sugars, starches, the things that create that happy environment for them, and do shit all for us.
The thing is: I don't get that this is a continuous thing. I think the virus infects us, triggers the sudden increase in the creation of fat cells, and then our body has to deal with the subsequent increase in estrogen etc because of it.
These chickens died with enlarged pale livers. Well sure, the liver is stressed out of its mind! AND if I recall, you had elevated liver enzymes did you not?
Everything you mentioned below in your post points to no-nonsense dieting rules. And anyone out there that reads what you wrote will say "isn't that what we have been telling you? No starches, no sugars, exercise more, get up and off the couch". And you are right. And they are right.
My entire point isn't that they are wrong. It is ONLY about changing OUR perception of ourselves. All that self blame and self loathing and those beliefs that we are failures because we gained the weight to begin with, and then can't seem to get it off like other people-all that garbage-is moot.
there is an unspoken part-what happens when we are clear of the virus.
1. we are still overly abundant in active fat cells.
what are the ramifications of that? well, higher estrogen is one. An imbalance in our hormones.
the good news is we have great cholesterol.
2. is the only answer lipo? Wow-that's some expert's opinions. THEY say that we can't get rid of fat cells. I'm really curious about that. We can make them shrink, and we can get them to become inactive...somehow. Ok. THAT is a start.
3. are we still making fat cells in abundance? I don't think so. They say that the virus seems to run it's course in 60 days after exposure. Those chickens gain the weight in a few months, on the same amount of regulated food as the other chickens.
then we deal with the after effects, same as EPV, or Mono, or any other virus. Exposure, manifestation, then the fallout effects on the body.
As to your questions-
what makes it grow?
what does it do, what are it's mechanisms?
How does it do what it does in my body?
The virus triggers stem cells to turn into fat cells. Then the fat cells, once activated and on line, begin to plump up. I don't know if the virus itself grows-it seems like it is more a catalyst that sets off a chain reaction in the body. Why? They don't have that answer yet.
Remember; the experts say it isn't 'a life threatening virus, so not one they are interested in, BECAUSE it only makes you fat. BUT my point is-fat is the leading cause of life-threatening illness in many OTHER diseases like high blood pressure, heart disease and diabetes-which are currently, inexplicably on the rise-to epidemic proportions in our country-coincidentally, in the same time period...the last 20 years.
Which of my body systems are directly affected by it?
The liver because it gets enlarged and pale in those chickens, and probably the kidneys I would think. The heart and probably the pancreas-but that's my intuitive hit based on the relatable illnesses of heart disease and diabetes. It directly effects the hormonal levels, and so mood, and the brain.
Ask them. Email them and ask! Then post it. But they will probably want you to take a blood test.
If you read the front page story of the SF Chronicle, Thu, 15 Dec 2005, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines.
She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her mouth.
A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farralone Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her ...a very dangerous proposition.
One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer.
They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed gently around-she thanked them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.
One of the divers, James Moskito, said the whale was peaceful during the hour or so it took him and others to cut the ropes and there was a vibration coming from the whale the whole time. Moskito said that when the whale realized it was free it began swimming in circles. ""It felt to me like it was thanking us, knowing that it was free and that we had helped it," Moskito said., "It stopped about a foot away from me, pushed me around a little bit and had some fun." He said the whale nuzzled him, then swam to each of the other rescuers as well.
The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.
It will beginFriday evening July 6 at 7pm and will continue through July 8th, non-stop, until 2pm.
This is a fundraiser for the Gonpa as well.
Pledges are $1. for one mala of prayers-which is 108 mantras.
A mala is a necklace consisting of 108 beads. As each bead is touched, the prayer "Om Mani Padme Hung" is recited.This envokes the attention of the Chenrezig; the embodiment of compassion.
(This reminds me of doing the rosary and "Hail Mary full of grace...anyone else?)
Your written dedication will be touched and blessed duriing the 3-day mediation. You can ask for prayers for the world, someone you love, for yourself, the community, anything.
You may give your donation online URGEN SAMTEN LING, or call them at 801-328-4629, or come by and pick up the pledge form at the building.
They will also be creating a sacred sand mandala, which will be created by the visiting Monks from India. If you have never seen this, it is an amazing sight.
The Om Mani Padme Hung will be repeated 1.2 million times over the course of the 3 days, and is for the sake of all sentient beings.
Donations will go towards the purchase of the building so it can be a permanent home for the Gonpa. All pledges are tax-deductible.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
If someone has never had a weight issue, has never struggled, been confused or frustrated with doing all the right things and not getting the results expected, then they don't understand the reason why I, and others in my same position, might feel angry, deceived and vindicated by the exposing of this infectious viral condition that just happens to cause us to gain up to 3x our body fat on the same food as others.
THIS is exactly what we have been saying for years. At least the last 20 years since the mid 80s, which is exactly when this virus seems to have come into existence. AND it's when the Infectious disease agency knew about it, and when the US population seems to have inexplicably gained 30% in bodyfat index.
We've gone to experts of all sorts saying "But I don't eat any more than anyone else, WHY am I gaining weight and they don't?" Well we were called lazy, for one thing. And told we lacked willpower, motivation and self esteem. If we really wanted it, we would be able to do it, of course!
I remember my husband saying "You are so strong, and you can do anything, WHY can't you lose this weight???" And I sat down and cried and said "I don't know!!!" I truly was trying. I had tried everything. AND I was trying the old diets that had always worked for me. And they no longer were.
As you all know, 17 years ago I finally opted for a gastric bypass because I couldn't get on top of it. I couldn't figure it out. I ate. But even if I ate vegetables I gained. Hell, we've been on rawish for what, 8 months now, and much to my chagrin, I have lost a whooping 10-12 pounds-and that's got to be half water because it vacillates. Is that normal? People tell me they shed 40, 50 60 pounds or more. Hmmmm. Ok. It took me a year to lose 15 pounds a few years ago-which I gained back...and am in the process of losing again. And I am not losing inches this time because I am no where near those size 6 pants this time.
The experts say any number of things already posted on the blog under "the rules that don't work for me".
It's your fault...that's a big one. We came to believe to the core of who we are that there was a "something" we could do to change it, and that it was happening because of something we did. Wow.
That alone is huge.
But the things we were bombarded with, and that we took in as truths were:
You are eating too much. (so we cut back sometimes to as little as 500 calories a day-way less than a normally metabolized person should have to eat.)
You're eating the wrong foods. (we modified our eating in any number of ways-and followed diets perpetuated by the thin, and the newly thin. It's a whole industry)
Cut back on calories. (we did)
Cut back on carbs. (we did)
Exercise more. (we did)
But for some of us, much to our shame and humiliation, we still checked in with little if any, significant weight and fat loss.
Even pills, shots, and various meds brought little relief.
I'm just saying WHAT IF it's this virus? And WHAT IF it isn't your fault, or my fault. What if it's true that we eat the same amount as a thin person, and we gain weight on it? WHAT IF we have 3x the fat cells, NOT because our mother bottlefed us when we were an infant-(which is when experts are saying we actually created our surplus of fat cells).
Do you know that they teach that all of your fat cells are created when you are an infant so if you are a fat baby you will be a fat adult? That's so not true! But people believe it.
Why then do we have a hard time believing in a virus that can make someone fat?
What if it's an infectious agent that they have known about since the 80s, that triggers your stem cells to turn into fat cells?
What if these same experts say "it ONLY makes people fat" so it isn't a big deal.
What if this multi billion dollar "weight gain/loss" industry has developed out of this virus and it's side effects? WHOA...talk about a conspiracy theory
Hey-40% of the people tested are testing positive. Now granted, that's 40% of the people that suspect they have been exposed. But 40% is a huge number! And 10% of those people are thin, NOT fat.
What if the pharmaceutical industry, who manufactures those weight LOSS supplements, as well as the diabetic, and high blood pressure meds that are the results of the weight gain, are perfectly happy to have us fat and getting fatter? FAT is good for the economy.
Follow the money and you might realize why there are only two doctors that are taking this at all seriously...and with little if any support or credibility coming their way because of it, and a lot of flack from their peers.
What I hear now from those same thin experts is "fat people are just looking for an excuse for being fat when what they really need to do is lose weight".
This one infuriates me. I'm by no means fat anymore, although I feel some days as if I still weigh 300 pounds. I'm 15 pounds more than I want to weigh though, after major surgery, and like Bo said, I'm no longer making myself crazy because I'm not in that size 6. THIS is my body. I accept it, flabby underarms and all.
But that prejudice that I hear still angers me. Fat people are passionate people. They are kinesthetic FEELING people. They feel MORE than others, and deeper, and they take things harder. They have huge energy-that gets expended carrying extra weight.
You pick up a couple of toddlers and strap them to your body and carry them around all the time, and tell me that it isn't exhausting. Try it. I dare you! You think they don't WANT to lose weight? THey want it more than anything. They aren't looking for a quick fix. They want to see normal results.
All these weight loss ads make me nuts too. There is a model, sporting her new 6pack-which is like near impossible for women by the way-
and in tiny size 4 font at the bottom of the ad it says " these results are not typical" so they cover their own asses. Ok, what are the typical results? A few pounds? One pound a week? One pound a month? Who can keep their motivation going in the face of that???
6 years ago I signed up with a medical clinic. I followed the program religiously-including weekly shots, and I lost a whooping pound and a half...a MONTH. I persevered though because they tell us that when you lose it slowly, it stays off. It took me more than a year to drop 15 pounds. I got down to a 6-but I still had a very high percentage of bodyfat. They were stymied. I was wearing a size 6 and my body fat was 30%. Does that make sense???
All I'm saying is that when you don't fit their box, don't keep trying to shove yourself into it, or beat yourself up because you don't fit. There is another box. And maybe, just maybe AD36 is it. It's not about finding an excuse, it's about finding something that makes sense when nothing else does.
I've called myself an addict. I've beaten myself every way to Sunday. I know this world. And, realizing that it could well be this virus that is the culprit and not my weak self esteem, or my lack of willpower-well, it's freeing.
Much like all those women that were told menopausal symptoms were in their heads...by well meaning experts that told them to go home and get a grip.
But I don't have an answer yet. What if we test positive for the virus? Then what? Is there a cure? There is NOT a conventional cure. No vaccine. Nil research in that direction. Those doctors are still trying to get people to listen to them as they try and prove that there IS a virus!
Well, the experts say once we have those extra fat cells the only way to get rid of them is lypo or other surgeries because we don't lose fat cells even when we lose weight-they just shrink. Did you know that? You lose weight when the fat cells stop "storing' and release. But you don't lose the fat cell itself. It stays there waiting to get the orders to store again.
I'm open to suggestions. I'm open to working with a group of like minded people on a research project. I'm open to using the frequencies to find a protocol that works. I'm open to all of us trying things and pooling information. But so far, we are 3. CA, me, and now you Rebecca. Think about it-those numbers in the face of all the people out there that we know are facing the same obstacles...that's daunting isn't it? Why aren't more people willing to realize that this might not be their fault? It's so much easier for people to blame than it is for people to forgive, isn't it.
Talk about hitting a limiting belief / the wall of apathy. But under the apathy is anger. And under anger is fear. And under fear is compassion...
What a creative new idea this is! Check it out. It's a hiking adventure to raise money for leukemia and lymphoma research. You all know how I feel about that, but I do like this as a creative way to raise money.
Check it out. A friend of mine has committed to doing the KAUAI HIKE
Take a look at the ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIKES page. WOW! If you wanted a challenge, you could train for the LONGS peak...there's a challenge alright!
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
JOURNEYS OF THE HEART
They went through an organization called
GLOBEAWARE-adventures in service.
You can take your group, school or corporate, to a third world country for a trip as service volunteers...
UPDATE: It's on HD tv and the last episode is tonight.
But I can't find it. Here's the website that hosts it VOOM.tv
i had a HARD but great class.....i ended up buying a 10 pack and im going back today!... i cant stress the importance for me of a physical component in my life...my body really needs it and when i dont do anything my muscles and bones and my joints are sore and locked and everything else feels like shit - and i notice how tight i am when i go after not having gone for a while - i always forget that when im not doing anything....the juice fast allowed me to go there mentally and remember and listen to my body....reconnecting feels so good...and so much of what this has all been about...i was having so much resistance this past 5 weeks --- im not sure what exactly has been happening but i think i needed to decompress after a lot of work and just let go .... unfortunatley i let out instead of release and let go and went way offline with food and drink and cigs. coming back to center....mmmmm feels so so good. i am so in touch with my body again....
anyway just wanted to share this with you guys...i was so excited when i left...its taken me 2 years to walk down the block to go to this place....
it was the right moment and i was ready!
also ....had a great session right after with a client/friend we did a trade....i was clear and i stayed with it and focused even though it was sort of difficult at times....i learned a lot!
excited to see you guys - ill be in on the 5th!
Sunday, June 24, 2007
i threw all of my clothes out of the drawers refolded and reorganized them - moved all of my furniture around - threw everything in my fridge out washed all of the shelves - cleaned and organized my bathroom - threw out bags of garbage - organized all of my books - swept - im leaving some things out....anyway point is i needed to - something has been brewing for a while and today i took it out on my apt....well allowed it to work through...a lot has been shifting the past few weeks and ive been feeling a little strange hormones out of wack again....
im sure all of the wedding talk today boggled it out and brought whatever was festering to a head...i felt so driven and intense then shifted to anger until i sat down - 4 straight hours of intense cleaning in 500 sq feet....now im calm (but sore from moving furniture!)
it feels so much better in here....it looks better its 'clear' - and i feel the shift inside me....each area seems more like a little vignette more specific for function but also more comfortable - it somehow seems bigger more organized better boundaries - i created a sitting area - a bed/sleeping area - a work area- a living room area - my mesa area ---- so what is it ive done inside???
im on a juice fast tomorrow....mondays are juice fast day (something i started a while back and reinstated recently because ive been so off)....i really need it tomorrow...
If we pay attention to our own breath, we are alive.
If we pay attention to the life force in everything,
how can we come to do harm to anything? There is just such amazing beauty, and color, and life!
Today I took out the vege-nut mixture and added edamame and started dredging pattis in flaxseed meal. I did wipe my cast-iron skillet with some olive oil, and put it on the lowest setting, and then put the pattis on the skillet to just warm them a bit for the family. They turned out delish either cool or warmed. I think you could put these in the dehydrator for awhile too.
Here's the recipe:
In the food processor:
1 green bell pepper-seeded
3 carrots, tops taken off
1 onion, quartered
3 stalks celery with leaves
coarse chop until all are uniformly tiny bits.
Put contents into a large mixing bowl
In the food processor:
2-3 c raw almonds
1 c any other nut you have. I used raw cashews, and some raw brazil nuts.
1/2 c hemp seed (seasame seeds, or sunflower seeds would work too)
process until nuts are uniformly tiny
Put contents into the mixing bowl
1 c flax seed meal
1 tsp cayenne (yep, but the veges soak it up and it really isn't too much
1/2 tsp hot pepper flakes
1 tsp fresh chopped parsley
1 tsp fresh chopped oregano
1 c fresh raw edamame
salt and pepper
I let this mixture sit overnight in the fridge, remember. The flavors really were much better today. Last night it was a bit bland. Flax seed meal is a binder, and helps the pattis to keep their shape, so use it even if you don't want to warm them on the skillet. I made pattis, then dredged them in more flaxseed meal just like when you are breading meat for chicken fried steak or something-you know? Worked fine!
You could also use the mixture loose and put it in lettuce leaves as rollups, which had been my original plan.
Many of you have asked me why I went to the zoo. At first thought, it seemed random. But you know the part I forgot is that Jon wants to go into Zoology, and they have a zoo program for kids once they are 18, which will be in a few months for him. I think I "randomly" went there to show him what goes on, and we did talk about it. He wants to work with animals, but I'm not sure a zoo is for him. Too many people-which was why we left in the end! :)
I am going to give him the ideas we have been playing with, and see what he thinks of it. Who knows-maybe this next generation can change it? When we let ourselves go with the flow-who knows where it leads? I wasn't thinking specifically about that, and it only JUST NOW occured to me. Funny how it works that way. I feel better about having gone, now that I see a bigger picture. Trust we are being lead.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
I find these images haunting...what do they think? What would we were we in the same position? What have we done to them? Are they better off, being handed food and kept warm and safe in a cage? Makes you wonder if "safe" is all it's cracked up to be, doesn't it?
This is the one that kept spasming with every child's shrill cry...
I also found myself so saddened at the faces of the monkeys, trapped behind glass. Two little spider monkeys huddled together, and each time a child screeched, one would spasm and arch his back as if shocked. After having seen them so recently, wild and free, flinging themselves with total abandon, from branch to branch above our heads, swooping down to take a plantano from our hands...this was heartbreaking to me. Looking into the eyes, you can see the intelligence there, the understanding of what is happening, that they are caught.
Birds are a different element, but there were parrots in small cages (small compared to the jungle) and again, I was reminded of their morning calls from the treetops. I was captivated by the magpies, free and happy to grab dropped scraps and climb to a high branch to nibble it. The birds somehow didn't radiate the same sadness that other animals did.
Such pride in their entire demeanor isn't there? Self assurance. The peacock doesn't apologize for a moment. Nature at her finest in all her creations. I could appreciate having the opportunity to see them all there I suppose. But what a travisty to their natural instincts...
I found the snakes fascinating. As usual. And so glad that the Rainforest was friendly to me everytime I have been there. As I watched the snakes, as they were watching me, I thought of what it would have felt like to have one that size drop from a branch. We are so fragile when confronted with the primal energy of this planet.
To be out of right relation...I get why those ceremonies and rituals of respect evolved. Look into her eyes, and see a ruthless sort of power and self control. She says "it's nothing personal"...
Friday, June 22, 2007
It was such a pleasure to be with such wonderful company and then to have the weather be so awesome. I couldn't get over how clear, crisp and clean it was up there. Joy, your pictures are wonderful. This place holds such a special place in my Heart and I am so glad that I am getting you all up there. Fathers Day it was Bo and Ray, this is when I took my Hawk picture. I love this engagement with Nature as I have said before. I am loving the movement that is getting me there. Yesterday was so wonderful :)
Thursday, June 21, 2007
CHILDREN OF THE ANDES and they are bringing Waldorf education to the villages in Peru. They are building a 5000 s/f building, and have really taken huge steps forward including having teachers there already.
I thought you all might be interested is seeing it. We talked a long time about the possiblilties of raising money for them, or with them, or doing a project together...
also daily i am getting snippets from dreams i had when i was little...its like my dream memory bank is open and files, pieces are being selected to reference with now. its so bizarre because ill be sitting with people then out of the blue and almost seamlessly the old dream comes in like a new lens slipped over the current moment....it doesnt last forever its just so incredibly strange to revisit....
happen to anyone??
its been a month now....
Monday, June 18, 2007
Saturday, June 16, 2007
anyway its rainy season here and its clearly started raining earlier this season...everything is so incredibly green and gorgeous. the fog and the clouds roll over this green and over the red dirt and the rocks and the plants and trees....there was a moment yesterday driving in my baby blue unicorn car the 76 toyota that i was like holy shit man this is it...this is it im here in heaven...i couldnt even say anything but holy shit holy shit...its like CA´s button...heehee...it was complete confirmation that finca feral was real and is going to happen and is going to be a thriving community of my friends family and loved ones...i cant wait for you all to see it to be here...and you will....i am working away on the business plans in order to get the money needed to built the beginnings of it through donation to the non'profit. i am also figuring out how to work sponser houses on the farm where an individual or family sponnsers a house on the farm and it becomes their home...its all unfolding and its all happening in what feels like the most magical way...i feel so incredibly blessed right now. when you listen you hear everything you need to...its so much about just following and believing...that was one amazing thing my dad gave me...well the most i think it was this belief in magic and that anything is possible....
i miss you all so much and cant wait to send pics when im back in ny wednesday....im planning on being in salt lake for the first part of july.
also so interesting last night there were so many light beings in the room with me i was so tired and kept hearing sleep sleep but the room was filled with this light energy and what felt like spirits....i kept opening my eyes and watching all of them walking around...i had these very bizarre dreams that im working through so have yet to figure what its all about but they were some epic dreams of me and jaguar me caressing her beautiful fur at the side of me bed... and all of these lions guarding the house...wow....
anyway internets down in town so we drove out to nicoya about 45 min to use internet and the off to hojancha to buy some trees to plant....
i can see you all in your homes on the farm it makes me really happy!!!!!!
i know it will all be in the right time.....
love you guys...
I thought Catherine Ann's experience of Joy was interesting, the connection. I had my own odd experience. As Catherine Ann and I sat across from each other at dinner I began seeing energy lines around her head and face. Then I looked at the plant beside us and again saw these energy lines. At times they appeared like the waves you see coming off a hot surface and then they turned from clear to rainbow colors. It was odd but didn't last long. I immediately thought of the movie I saw where they could see the aura's around everything and then suddenly they saw the new dimension. Then my head said, maybe it's your new contacts? (LOL) Later that night I was home and walking down the hall when I became very dizzy, also lasting only moments. I didn't think of Joy but now I wonder? We are all very connected. On the other hand I wondered if it was the new energy coming in, now stronger and a taste of what is yet to come? Just interesting.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
I highly recommend it!
Several people I know do one day a week, and I think it's a great idea!
Since we all have juicers now, maybe that's our next experiment?
I've done a day and a half of juice only and I can so say it's amazing amazing amazing. Trick is to make it a day when you have access to the juicer all day so you can make it. I had to run out, hence the headache coming on when I was on empty.
Detoxing so fast though that I got a headache today in the afternoon, but more juice took care of it, and I got a runny nose too from the detoxing.
All good signs. You would think I'd already be pretty clear after 6 mns. but it feels great. All those tastes of this and that had thrown me off. Not terrible you know, just off a bit.
I was struck by a particular passage is which he is telling his copyist, Anna Holtz, how to listen for the music. I wrote it down...
"...listen to the voice speaking inside of you. Find the silence in yourself so you can hear the music. Silence between the notes. Silence is the key. When that silence envelopes you, then your soul can sing."
It's the same thing in our work. Getting to that silence so we can hear.
What a glorious day. I went out into my backyard to do Tai Chi and it was so invigorating. Its wonderful to do this slow dance, listening to the birds in my yard. Connecting to the Earth, Connecting to the sky. When I was done with Tai Chi I then opened up my Mesa and watched the sunlight dance off my stones. I could sense how much the stones enjoyed being solarized. When I closed my eyes I got a vision of a V with a rainbow attached on both sides. I tried to use a graphic program I have but it just didn't work, so I will draw it and photograph it and see what happens. As I am continuing to commune with nature, the thought comes that how many people are missing this engagement today. How many are not appreciating the wind blowing through their hair. How many don't hear the birds because they are too busy. I feel honored and filled full of gratitude that I have the opportunity to have these experiences. Have a beautiful day and take the time to breathe in life.
Monday, June 11, 2007
As you all know, I lost my necklace a week or so ago, the triangular stone with the natural hole surrounded by druzie crystals, and then a natural square etched around the circle...a journey stone for sure. Symbolically it is water, earth and fire. It would be the hermetic seal if it had a circle on the outside...but it's really close! The circle, triangle and square are symbols for spirit, body and soul-the three elements necessary for alchemical transformation.
I don't wear much jewelry these days, and I'm pretty methodical when I take it off at night. It just was plain gone. I could see clearly up to a certain point. I remember taking it off and putting it in my mesa the night I worked until 5am, 2 weeks ago. I remembered taking it back out of the mesa in the morning. I didn't put it on, I was going to take a shower, so I had it in my hand.
I always hang my jewelry on this standing brass mirror by my sink in the bathroom. It's an ingrained habit. When I went to put it on, it was gone. I checked the whole counter, all around, in drawers, in the closet. The laundry room, pockets. I couldn't see beyond taking it out of my mesa. I really missed it! I checked beds, under beds, in drawers...I tracked, I called it back....didn't show itself. I went back in time and viewed it-I couldnt' get any more information. I was stumped.
I cleared off the mirror, and put the jewelry that was there, away. I left only one medicine pouch that has a sunflower on it, and a strand of beads on the other side for decoration. That was it. The rest was put away. No necklace. And dang it, that was a good silver chain too. I kept thinking daily on how I wanted that necklace back!
Then, the other day I wondered if I lost it at the fire. I remembered that something was burning my neck as I went in, and I couldn't tell if I took it off, or if I just thought it. I supposed if I put it in my pocket I could have lost it at the fire. That meant it was gone, and not just misplaced. I should drop it, but I was still calling it back. Maybe if I drove out there I would find it in the grass? But something or other would come up, and I didn't do it. I knew it was gone, and now I was just feeling stupid for losing it.
Yesterday as I was walking I heard "You've not given it up yet. The thing can't come back until you've released it."
Oh! Sure! Got it~this was true. I wanted it back, and my desire for it, was keeping it away.
All day yesterday I kept releasing the stone. I gladly sent it to the light, releasing my ownership of it knowing that it may well be meant for someone else. It took a bit of work. I laughed at how attached I was to it! But by the evening I was clear. I no longer thought of the necklace at all.
This morning when I went into the bathroom, hanging on the bathroom mirror...the necklace. Back where it should have been all along. I have it on now, thankful and humbled by that lesson. Let it go and it is yours.
YUM - So I know it doesnt look amazing in the pic but the colors are beautiful and its delicious! MAke sure to spice it well though....I was thinking I woudve added apples if I had had any...
Ps. Im free of the house! Told them I couldnt get the loan today...just waiting to make sure its all kosher and im out 100%... thanks guys for all of the help...
Sunday, June 10, 2007
I meditated for the first time back in nY...that grounded me immediately, then listened to my kirtan cd and meditated some more...the huge change was I went to the market and listened again to what my body needed....it was the first time i really HEARD something regarding food....the past few weeks have been really strange....but its like my body pulled me back to center and said follow me...i began grabbing things off of the shelf for creations of food I had no idea about! Im excited again about food....RAW FOOD YEA! this has been the longest period ive been out of it and this week especailly ive been feeling like complete crap but knew it was coming to an end... Ive been reading about Ayurveda today and thinking about what my body needs to feel balanced in this way...I will keep you guys posted on what i find for me....
its amazing how once you get back to center you realize how long youve been off...wow.....its been a long time and a lot of work these past few weeks and now my body is guiding me and i am being quiet and following....
AS for raw...last night I ate the absolute worst ive eaten in a while....I think I needed to go there to clear whatever it was that was looming. Im talking fried cheese fried calamari fettucini alfredo italian desserts. HOLY SHIT. anyway I think Im ready for my juice fast and I think that sealed the deal on whatever was hanging on...hopefully thats gone.....wow. intense. Ive had many gremlins around this week....crazy voices and vices and all.... its hard sometimes this life thing...i keep trying to keep it simple and then maybe i get bored and try to add things that make it more complicated than need be...NO MORE FRIED FOOD!!!!! jesus!
Friday, June 8, 2007
Thursday, June 7, 2007
The past few days since Ive returned Ive felt that again, that racing feeling...I spent today focusing on slowing down connecting up when walking and it became more of this flow down the street, things quieted down, traffic slowed down and things came to me quietly and peacefully. My stride was even and balanced my body was open to receive.
I want to allow things to come to me and not race after them. When I race after something it seems to go farther and farther in the distance ahead and I am stuck always trying to catch up...When I practice this meditative walking I allow the world to come to me. I feel engaged and calm. Things here take on my needs, my flow, my time...
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
I kept thinking that we would be meeting next week before I leave, but that is not to be it looks like, unless you are all coming with me.
We will meet Friday this week for dinner, unless we agree on Sat. at lava?
Otherwise I will see you all when I get back! The drumming was excellent tonight. let's do more of it.
I am feeling grateful for you all.
Grateful that I met you, grateful for what you have taught me, grateful for the times you spoke up and disagreed, grateful for the times you where silent while I struggled to find my way, grateful for the times you carried me when I couldn't find my way and grateful for the times you listened to me when I found a way.
Community is a true blessing. Thank you.
GEESE.pps ( this is a great reflection-enjoy)
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
(PS mom if you're reading this - arent you proud! Doing the math...heehee)
This has some beautiful art by alex grey-and some interesting opinions by Joe Rogan.
"You cannot go further than than this. The Shaman has seen the beginning and the end. Bizarre dimensions of extraordinary power and beauty"
Monday, June 4, 2007
Sunday, June 3, 2007
"Sometimes you have to give up what you can't live without."
Wow-feels like "The Notebook". These are from "Away From Her" ... out now in theaters...promises to be a several kleenex movie. Think I'll go on my own to this one.
You've all heard me say that we walk this path every day, not only when we go into nature. We are Urban Shamans-or in our case, Suburban Shaman. I once walked into a group to help with transmissions of power, and they called me Suburban Shaman-I smiled because the name fits.
But a shamanic engagement with the world means calling it to YOU. It means being aware of the world around you, asking and receiving answers, and most of all recognzing that you are being communicated with constantly.
At the fire we saw fox, coyote, hawk, elk, deer, horse...
what were they saying to each of us? It's not the same message, and not all of us saw everything.
Yesterday driving home from CA's art show Kathy and I saw peacock, rabbit, turkey, swan, heron, duck... These are the quick pictures we snapped.
At Starbucks earlier in the same day, Lauren and I looked out the window to see a tiny tail thumping chipmunk under the cars...
it's all around us! We are in nature and in the urban world. We walk between the worlds. We see things others miss, and these are moments just for us, with a message only we can interpret.
Like when I was in Walmart and saw the butterfly on the can of cashews-who would think it?
Like when Bo was walking downtown and saw the pigeon being disemboweled by the hawk...
Like Jac catching those perfect moments with the Orioles
Like when CarolLee walked into her garage and saw the Eagle sitting on the handlebars of her bike...
Like Bo, seeing the perfect snakeskin that had just been shed right before we went to fire...
Like Cara seeing the tiny half dead baby mouse under a leaf so that it could live in her hand's warmth moments before it died...knowing that it wasn't alone
Like me seeing a pair of dragon fly wings illuminated in a shaft of momentary sunlight in the middle of the park, as if saying "here"...tiny and so easy to have missed
Like Lina asking her dead son for a sign and then looking down to find a four leaf clover...which was the thing he always hunted for as a child, and she had never found before...
Like my walking out into a parking lot and finding a pair of white birds wings on the asphalt, laying next to my car...
This is the shamanic walk in the world...the everyday engagement with energy. Thank you, all of you, for allowing me the great pleasure of dancing with you for awhile, for having danced this amazing dance! And now I'm off for a walk with my camera, my dog, and my eyes and heart wide open. Hi-yi-ya!
Saturday, June 2, 2007
You go girl!!! We're so proud of you, and tickled for you!
Do let us know how it ended up, and congrats on the arrangements for the next one!
Is a pretty cool system. Take a look!
They also have sushi lessons
Friday, June 1, 2007
They were born there, in the be, they have been living it every day of their lives. They miss the part that says "you are here", though.
The trick is that they have believed that they are less than, and missing something. That is the lie that they believed.
It isn't about "becoming." It isn't about "arriving". It isn't about "doing" anything more than what you are and who you are and how you are.
It's believing that you are here. You are perfect. You always have been.
Are you living, breathing, expressing your truth every day? Not planning to do it tomorrow. Believe in yourself now. That's all.
I know, it seems too simple. Surely we have arrived now after all THIS work? And surely there is something to do now that we have arrived?
Trick. You arrived the moment you were born. The "work" has been a glorious affair of spirit. Live your truth. YOUR truth. Not for someone else. For you, and you will do the thing that you were born to do.
Live. Give thanks for the day, the breath, the way. That's it. BE your light. The way finds you.
That's what Akiane does. She was born without the fear and karma to clear. She just simply sweetly knew who she was and where she came from. She acknowledges HER truth, and she does it every day. She didn't set out to do anything more than to put brush to canvas as an expression of her light, at 4 years old. What is the expression of your light? Her mission statement was "I paint what I have seen". Glory glory! And she changes us for her truth. Her mission has evolved but that was the truth. She remembered, and she reminds us to remember.
No one is burning her. No one is calling her a lier. No one is condemning her to prision, or torture or any sort of punishment. She is light. She reminds us to be our light.