just wanted to say im so exited to return to slc and see you guys!
be there soon!
Saturday, June 30, 2007
questions about ad36
what im wondering is if the virus definition is contingent on gaining weight - because all of these symptoms seem like what i had minus the weight gain....i never gained weight - except on birth control (artificial hormones). when i ask i get that it is similar to chronic fatigue its a similiar thread with epstein barr and herpes virus (both of which are 'essential' to a cfs diagnosis)....or is what makes cfs and fibromyalgia and others different is the specific way in which ad36 effects fat cells?
is there possibly something else that determines the weight gain component...? can ad36 occur in people without the side effect of weight gain but can give enlarged liver kidney problems adrenals hormones etc etc...i think theres a larger piece here - and maybe variations on this dis-ease......?
is there possibly something else that determines the weight gain component...? can ad36 occur in people without the side effect of weight gain but can give enlarged liver kidney problems adrenals hormones etc etc...i think theres a larger piece here - and maybe variations on this dis-ease......?
From Romedy on AD36
"The herpes viruses live in the nerves...maybe a lifetime. Outbreaks can cause nasty things like shingles, cold sores, etc.
How do we know for sure the ad 36 virus passes from the body in a relatively short time? Perhaps, because we are not research chickens, it finds a home in the digestive system...maybe for a lifetime. I have felt for many years that morbidly obese people have something that causes the original onset of eating and then their weight spirals out of control from there.
When I was first infected I really did not eat any more than I ever had, exercised the same amount, etc. when I started gaining weight...thirty pounds in one memorable month. My blood sugar spun out of control and I had hypoglycemic attacks. They forced me to eat, when I would not have otherwise, after I had been infected for a time.
A couple of weeks ago I started working to remove the virus from my body. I had attacks of intestinal cramps so severe I had to take Tylenol to be able to stand the pain. It happened twice-each time after I worked to remove the virus...coincidence? I think not. I am testing clear of the virus. For the first time in years I can go hours without eating and my blood sugar stays stable. I'm happily awaiting to see what happens next.
How do we know for sure the ad 36 virus passes from the body in a relatively short time? Perhaps, because we are not research chickens, it finds a home in the digestive system...maybe for a lifetime. I have felt for many years that morbidly obese people have something that causes the original onset of eating and then their weight spirals out of control from there.
When I was first infected I really did not eat any more than I ever had, exercised the same amount, etc. when I started gaining weight...thirty pounds in one memorable month. My blood sugar spun out of control and I had hypoglycemic attacks. They forced me to eat, when I would not have otherwise, after I had been infected for a time.
A couple of weeks ago I started working to remove the virus from my body. I had attacks of intestinal cramps so severe I had to take Tylenol to be able to stand the pain. It happened twice-each time after I worked to remove the virus...coincidence? I think not. I am testing clear of the virus. For the first time in years I can go hours without eating and my blood sugar stays stable. I'm happily awaiting to see what happens next.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Ad36 in response to Joy's Ad36 thoughts
Do you think Ad36 like candida? Can we apply the same behaviors we used to fix candida to Ad36? For example, when I'm fixing my candida I stop consuming sugar of any kind, I start taking lactobacillus, things like that.
So, sugars, starches and anything I'm jonesing for should be noted as foods that create the happy Ad36 environment. Maybe even thoughts should be noted. It's the weirdest damn thing, I'll be driving along, out of the clear blue I think of fudge brownie shakes -- then my car is on auto-pilot and I'm in the back seat watching the virus order a fudge brownie shake. We used to think it was our little girl, maybe it was the virus.
I hope you expand on your thoughts or hits that "this is [not] a continuous thing". I do agree that now that the condition is here, I believe we have to treat the condition. We have excess stored energy that needs to be used or flushed. BUT I still think the virus is alive and well in me, otherwise why would we be getting the death distress signals? And if the virus isn't continuous, then why doesn't the body recover from the temporary body fat increase as it is naturally programmed to do and now that the virus is gone? And what do they test for when they are looking for people infected by Ad36, the carcass, a latent virus? What do you mean by the virus isn't continuous.
I can't remember if I had elevated liver enzymes, but it seems like that's possible. I'll dig those tests out and look at it. The thing is, my body responds to my efforts in blood tests, meaning I have great cholesterol numbers, A1C is great, even my blood sugars are good, but it never manifests in fat loss. Either I can't maintain my efforts long enough to achieve fat loss or the fat loss is impervious to my efforts. Either way no fat loss.
Changing our perception of ourselves. Okay, that has come along gradually. All the work I (we've) done on treating my little girl in a good way, healing past wounds/issues. And more so recently since I've been learning how to take care of my self esteem. PLUS learning about this virus has short circuited most of that ugly negative self talk and self judgement. You're right it's moot now.
So to address your points by number:
1.Overly abundant and active fat cells.
First of all, yes certainly we have too many fat cells. But it is a myth that they never go away. I've been following that particular idea since I was 18 years old. That's when I first went to a Dr. for liposuction because I figured that the only way I could get rid of them. Instead he sent me to Nutri-Systems. They put me on 800 cal/day. Killed my metabolism. Bastards!
It's a myth. We can get rid of fat cells. We are getting rid of cells all the time, not only fat cells all cells. We turn over all of our cells every 7 years. Dr. Oz on the Oprah show is one person who said we could get rid of fat cells. I can dig deeper on that if you want me to.
Fat cells do produce estrogen, yes, but if you balance that with progesterone it should help, at least until the problem is solved and the body can go back to homeostasis.
2.Lipo is NOT the answer. That does NOTHING to address the root cause of the problem. The answer is to first turn off the virus. And second then weight loss efforts WILL work. THEN raw food will drop 40, 50, 60 lbs like other people experience and the body will normalize its self.
3. I think we are making fat cells in abundance because the virus is actively alive in the body. I look at the Ad36 virus more like a cancer than a simple cold virus, and the tumor it is growing is the fat.
I don't understand this mechanism that the virus runs its course in 60 days after exposure. I haven't happened upon that information yet. I feel like this has been going on for years. Like 20 years. What if there is a virus exposure, active period, dormant period (while "baby" viruses are gestating), then a growth to "adult" virus for 60 days. Then dormancy. And it's cyclical? What do you think? Would that fit with your readings? Can you point me to where you read about that it runs it's course in 60 days part.
Are you saying that, oh let's say for example, I was exposed 20 years ago. I put on fat. The virus died. But the fat that I put on in those 60 days has affected my body ever since? All this is the result on one exposure? Eventually resulting in obesity, morbid obesity, heart disease, diabetes etc. Then why have all my weight loss efforts failed over the last 20 years when the virus was gone? Multiple exposures? Does that mean we have to run frequencies every 60 days for the rest of our lives? (I'm going to need my own machine, in that case.)
Okay, so these are good things to follow up on. Good thinking. I hope anyone with ideas on this will chime in no matter what the idea is.
So, sugars, starches and anything I'm jonesing for should be noted as foods that create the happy Ad36 environment. Maybe even thoughts should be noted. It's the weirdest damn thing, I'll be driving along, out of the clear blue I think of fudge brownie shakes -- then my car is on auto-pilot and I'm in the back seat watching the virus order a fudge brownie shake. We used to think it was our little girl, maybe it was the virus.
I hope you expand on your thoughts or hits that "this is [not] a continuous thing". I do agree that now that the condition is here, I believe we have to treat the condition. We have excess stored energy that needs to be used or flushed. BUT I still think the virus is alive and well in me, otherwise why would we be getting the death distress signals? And if the virus isn't continuous, then why doesn't the body recover from the temporary body fat increase as it is naturally programmed to do and now that the virus is gone? And what do they test for when they are looking for people infected by Ad36, the carcass, a latent virus? What do you mean by the virus isn't continuous.
I can't remember if I had elevated liver enzymes, but it seems like that's possible. I'll dig those tests out and look at it. The thing is, my body responds to my efforts in blood tests, meaning I have great cholesterol numbers, A1C is great, even my blood sugars are good, but it never manifests in fat loss. Either I can't maintain my efforts long enough to achieve fat loss or the fat loss is impervious to my efforts. Either way no fat loss.
Changing our perception of ourselves. Okay, that has come along gradually. All the work I (we've) done on treating my little girl in a good way, healing past wounds/issues. And more so recently since I've been learning how to take care of my self esteem. PLUS learning about this virus has short circuited most of that ugly negative self talk and self judgement. You're right it's moot now.
So to address your points by number:
1.Overly abundant and active fat cells.
First of all, yes certainly we have too many fat cells. But it is a myth that they never go away. I've been following that particular idea since I was 18 years old. That's when I first went to a Dr. for liposuction because I figured that the only way I could get rid of them. Instead he sent me to Nutri-Systems. They put me on 800 cal/day. Killed my metabolism. Bastards!
It's a myth. We can get rid of fat cells. We are getting rid of cells all the time, not only fat cells all cells. We turn over all of our cells every 7 years. Dr. Oz on the Oprah show is one person who said we could get rid of fat cells. I can dig deeper on that if you want me to.
Fat cells do produce estrogen, yes, but if you balance that with progesterone it should help, at least until the problem is solved and the body can go back to homeostasis.
2.Lipo is NOT the answer. That does NOTHING to address the root cause of the problem. The answer is to first turn off the virus. And second then weight loss efforts WILL work. THEN raw food will drop 40, 50, 60 lbs like other people experience and the body will normalize its self.
3. I think we are making fat cells in abundance because the virus is actively alive in the body. I look at the Ad36 virus more like a cancer than a simple cold virus, and the tumor it is growing is the fat.
I don't understand this mechanism that the virus runs its course in 60 days after exposure. I haven't happened upon that information yet. I feel like this has been going on for years. Like 20 years. What if there is a virus exposure, active period, dormant period (while "baby" viruses are gestating), then a growth to "adult" virus for 60 days. Then dormancy. And it's cyclical? What do you think? Would that fit with your readings? Can you point me to where you read about that it runs it's course in 60 days part.
Are you saying that, oh let's say for example, I was exposed 20 years ago. I put on fat. The virus died. But the fat that I put on in those 60 days has affected my body ever since? All this is the result on one exposure? Eventually resulting in obesity, morbid obesity, heart disease, diabetes etc. Then why have all my weight loss efforts failed over the last 20 years when the virus was gone? Multiple exposures? Does that mean we have to run frequencies every 60 days for the rest of our lives? (I'm going to need my own machine, in that case.)
Okay, so these are good things to follow up on. Good thinking. I hope anyone with ideas on this will chime in no matter what the idea is.
It ain't easy being green
One day you are minding your own business, going along in your life, and you feel a bit down, stressed, generally whacked. But that's life, and you are pushing through it...you feel a bit under the weather for a few days, as if you have a cold, no big deal.
But you wake up one morning and realize that your skin is turning green.
No one else thinks it's a big deal. It's still skin. You're healthy otherwise. You look fine. Come on. Don't be a baby.
Just wash more. Just eat different. Just get more exercise. Try this cream. But the green is getting more and more pronounced, getting greener and greener despite anything you try. For 2 months, you are getting greener. People are starting to notice.
"What is wrong with you? Stop turning green! Get ahold of yourself. You're such a baby. How can you be so weak. STOP TURNING GREEN WHY DON'T YOU!"
You smile. You cry. Inside you are thinking "what the f--- just happened to me???" You believe them, and you try, but the skin is still green. Surely you can do something about it? You are so strong!
Just think good thoughts and it will go away. And you are saying "but my skin is green!" and people say "oh you are just being dramatic! Take these pills, these shots, it will go away. Go on this special skin regime, it worked for my sister."
and it doesn't. Now you are really really bright green. You stand out in a crowd.
You feel so internally defeated by the green skin, and you are try to go on with your life and live normally, but you can't get away from the green yourself. It is on your mind all the time. You begin to only see yourself in terms of the green, and it becomes the defining factor of who you are. You forget that you are so much more.
Eventually you learn to live with your bright green skin, feeling different than everyone else, but pretending that you aren't. You start a "green skin power" group so you can raise your self esteem. You find other green skinners so you can unite because no one else understands what it feels like to have such green skin and no choice in the matter.
Some surgeons are doing skin transplants but you realize that this is your lot. You are going to make the best of it, and learn to live a full life with this green skin.
You can't hide it no matter what you do. And if you touch anything green, everyone stares at you as if THAT is the whole reason you are green. But it isn't. They don't understand. It's some silly little microscopic virus that you breathed in one day and wham...you turned green, but no one really believes that virus is real either, and you can't really prove it.
And no one cares, or listens, or is finding a cure because all it does is turns you green, and green doesn't kill you. Or does it?
But you wake up one morning and realize that your skin is turning green.
No one else thinks it's a big deal. It's still skin. You're healthy otherwise. You look fine. Come on. Don't be a baby.
Just wash more. Just eat different. Just get more exercise. Try this cream. But the green is getting more and more pronounced, getting greener and greener despite anything you try. For 2 months, you are getting greener. People are starting to notice.
"What is wrong with you? Stop turning green! Get ahold of yourself. You're such a baby. How can you be so weak. STOP TURNING GREEN WHY DON'T YOU!"
You smile. You cry. Inside you are thinking "what the f--- just happened to me???" You believe them, and you try, but the skin is still green. Surely you can do something about it? You are so strong!
Just think good thoughts and it will go away. And you are saying "but my skin is green!" and people say "oh you are just being dramatic! Take these pills, these shots, it will go away. Go on this special skin regime, it worked for my sister."
and it doesn't. Now you are really really bright green. You stand out in a crowd.
You feel so internally defeated by the green skin, and you are try to go on with your life and live normally, but you can't get away from the green yourself. It is on your mind all the time. You begin to only see yourself in terms of the green, and it becomes the defining factor of who you are. You forget that you are so much more.
Eventually you learn to live with your bright green skin, feeling different than everyone else, but pretending that you aren't. You start a "green skin power" group so you can raise your self esteem. You find other green skinners so you can unite because no one else understands what it feels like to have such green skin and no choice in the matter.
Some surgeons are doing skin transplants but you realize that this is your lot. You are going to make the best of it, and learn to live a full life with this green skin.
You can't hide it no matter what you do. And if you touch anything green, everyone stares at you as if THAT is the whole reason you are green. But it isn't. They don't understand. It's some silly little microscopic virus that you breathed in one day and wham...you turned green, but no one really believes that virus is real either, and you can't really prove it.
And no one cares, or listens, or is finding a cure because all it does is turns you green, and green doesn't kill you. Or does it?
Thoughts on AD36
As with all viruses, parasites, bacerium, they have a living consciousness, and a will to live. They are creating an internal environment that suits them-not you.
We've said with things like candida, as they start to die off, they send out a distress signal to get you to stop! They are coded into your into your thoughts, so it dialogs like "I feel like I'm dying", inorder to get you to stop. When I was running it on myself, there was one evening when every insecurity and phobic response to the world was up. I laid on the couch with tears coming down my face and said to Tony "was I EVER pretty?" he laughed and said yes. I felt awful...and I realized it wasn't me. It was definitely the virus.
That gladdened me, but you are right on Rebecca when you talk about the hormonal component. That is exactly what the viruses trigger in us-they upset the hormonal chemical cart in us-and when we tip, we reach for certain things. Those chemicals directly affect mood. Mood affects our food triggers.
Hence-food cravings for sugars, starches, the things that create that happy environment for them, and do shit all for us.
The thing is: I don't get that this is a continuous thing. I think the virus infects us, triggers the sudden increase in the creation of fat cells, and then our body has to deal with the subsequent increase in estrogen etc because of it.
These chickens died with enlarged pale livers. Well sure, the liver is stressed out of its mind! AND if I recall, you had elevated liver enzymes did you not?
Everything you mentioned below in your post points to no-nonsense dieting rules. And anyone out there that reads what you wrote will say "isn't that what we have been telling you? No starches, no sugars, exercise more, get up and off the couch". And you are right. And they are right.
My entire point isn't that they are wrong. It is ONLY about changing OUR perception of ourselves. All that self blame and self loathing and those beliefs that we are failures because we gained the weight to begin with, and then can't seem to get it off like other people-all that garbage-is moot.
AND
there is an unspoken part-what happens when we are clear of the virus.
1. we are still overly abundant in active fat cells.
what are the ramifications of that? well, higher estrogen is one. An imbalance in our hormones.
the good news is we have great cholesterol.
2. is the only answer lipo? Wow-that's some expert's opinions. THEY say that we can't get rid of fat cells. I'm really curious about that. We can make them shrink, and we can get them to become inactive...somehow. Ok. THAT is a start.
3. are we still making fat cells in abundance? I don't think so. They say that the virus seems to run it's course in 60 days after exposure. Those chickens gain the weight in a few months, on the same amount of regulated food as the other chickens.
then we deal with the after effects, same as EPV, or Mono, or any other virus. Exposure, manifestation, then the fallout effects on the body.
As to your questions-
what makes it grow?
what does it do, what are it's mechanisms?
How does it do what it does in my body?
The virus triggers stem cells to turn into fat cells. Then the fat cells, once activated and on line, begin to plump up. I don't know if the virus itself grows-it seems like it is more a catalyst that sets off a chain reaction in the body. Why? They don't have that answer yet.
Remember; the experts say it isn't 'a life threatening virus, so not one they are interested in, BECAUSE it only makes you fat. BUT my point is-fat is the leading cause of life-threatening illness in many OTHER diseases like high blood pressure, heart disease and diabetes-which are currently, inexplicably on the rise-to epidemic proportions in our country-coincidentally, in the same time period...the last 20 years.
Which of my body systems are directly affected by it?
The liver because it gets enlarged and pale in those chickens, and probably the kidneys I would think. The heart and probably the pancreas-but that's my intuitive hit based on the relatable illnesses of heart disease and diabetes. It directly effects the hormonal levels, and so mood, and the brain.
Ask them. Email them and ask! Then post it. But they will probably want you to take a blood test.
We've said with things like candida, as they start to die off, they send out a distress signal to get you to stop! They are coded into your into your thoughts, so it dialogs like "I feel like I'm dying", inorder to get you to stop. When I was running it on myself, there was one evening when every insecurity and phobic response to the world was up. I laid on the couch with tears coming down my face and said to Tony "was I EVER pretty?" he laughed and said yes. I felt awful...and I realized it wasn't me. It was definitely the virus.
That gladdened me, but you are right on Rebecca when you talk about the hormonal component. That is exactly what the viruses trigger in us-they upset the hormonal chemical cart in us-and when we tip, we reach for certain things. Those chemicals directly affect mood. Mood affects our food triggers.
Hence-food cravings for sugars, starches, the things that create that happy environment for them, and do shit all for us.
The thing is: I don't get that this is a continuous thing. I think the virus infects us, triggers the sudden increase in the creation of fat cells, and then our body has to deal with the subsequent increase in estrogen etc because of it.
These chickens died with enlarged pale livers. Well sure, the liver is stressed out of its mind! AND if I recall, you had elevated liver enzymes did you not?
Everything you mentioned below in your post points to no-nonsense dieting rules. And anyone out there that reads what you wrote will say "isn't that what we have been telling you? No starches, no sugars, exercise more, get up and off the couch". And you are right. And they are right.
My entire point isn't that they are wrong. It is ONLY about changing OUR perception of ourselves. All that self blame and self loathing and those beliefs that we are failures because we gained the weight to begin with, and then can't seem to get it off like other people-all that garbage-is moot.
AND
there is an unspoken part-what happens when we are clear of the virus.
1. we are still overly abundant in active fat cells.
what are the ramifications of that? well, higher estrogen is one. An imbalance in our hormones.
the good news is we have great cholesterol.
2. is the only answer lipo? Wow-that's some expert's opinions. THEY say that we can't get rid of fat cells. I'm really curious about that. We can make them shrink, and we can get them to become inactive...somehow. Ok. THAT is a start.
3. are we still making fat cells in abundance? I don't think so. They say that the virus seems to run it's course in 60 days after exposure. Those chickens gain the weight in a few months, on the same amount of regulated food as the other chickens.
then we deal with the after effects, same as EPV, or Mono, or any other virus. Exposure, manifestation, then the fallout effects on the body.
As to your questions-
what makes it grow?
what does it do, what are it's mechanisms?
How does it do what it does in my body?
The virus triggers stem cells to turn into fat cells. Then the fat cells, once activated and on line, begin to plump up. I don't know if the virus itself grows-it seems like it is more a catalyst that sets off a chain reaction in the body. Why? They don't have that answer yet.
Remember; the experts say it isn't 'a life threatening virus, so not one they are interested in, BECAUSE it only makes you fat. BUT my point is-fat is the leading cause of life-threatening illness in many OTHER diseases like high blood pressure, heart disease and diabetes-which are currently, inexplicably on the rise-to epidemic proportions in our country-coincidentally, in the same time period...the last 20 years.
Which of my body systems are directly affected by it?
The liver because it gets enlarged and pale in those chickens, and probably the kidneys I would think. The heart and probably the pancreas-but that's my intuitive hit based on the relatable illnesses of heart disease and diabetes. It directly effects the hormonal levels, and so mood, and the brain.
Ask them. Email them and ask! Then post it. But they will probably want you to take a blood test.
The Whale
If you read the front page story of the SF Chronicle, Thu, 15 Dec 2005, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines.
She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her mouth.
A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farralone Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her ...a very dangerous proposition.
One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer.
They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed gently around-she thanked them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.
One of the divers, James Moskito, said the whale was peaceful during the hour or so it took him and others to cut the ropes and there was a vibration coming from the whale the whole time. Moskito said that when the whale realized it was free it began swimming in circles. ""It felt to me like it was thanking us, knowing that it was free and that we had helped it," Moskito said., "It stopped about a foot away from me, pushed me around a little bit and had some fun." He said the whale nuzzled him, then swam to each of the other rescuers as well.
The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.
Prayers for Compassion / DRUPCHOD prayer festival
The Urgyen Samten Ling Gonpa-which is where we have the teaching space, will be celebratingthe birthday of the Dalai Lama by doing continuous mantras/Prayers for a Compassionate Heart within ourselves and the world.
It will beginFriday evening July 6 at 7pm and will continue through July 8th, non-stop, until 2pm.
This is a fundraiser for the Gonpa as well.
Pledges are $1. for one mala of prayers-which is 108 mantras.
A mala is a necklace consisting of 108 beads. As each bead is touched, the prayer "Om Mani Padme Hung" is recited.This envokes the attention of the Chenrezig; the embodiment of compassion.
(This reminds me of doing the rosary and "Hail Mary full of grace...anyone else?)
Your written dedication will be touched and blessed duriing the 3-day mediation. You can ask for prayers for the world, someone you love, for yourself, the community, anything.
You may give your donation online URGEN SAMTEN LING, or call them at 801-328-4629, or come by and pick up the pledge form at the building.
They will also be creating a sacred sand mandala, which will be created by the visiting Monks from India. If you have never seen this, it is an amazing sight.
The Om Mani Padme Hung will be repeated 1.2 million times over the course of the 3 days, and is for the sake of all sentient beings.
Donations will go towards the purchase of the building so it can be a permanent home for the Gonpa. All pledges are tax-deductible.
It will beginFriday evening July 6 at 7pm and will continue through July 8th, non-stop, until 2pm.
This is a fundraiser for the Gonpa as well.
Pledges are $1. for one mala of prayers-which is 108 mantras.
A mala is a necklace consisting of 108 beads. As each bead is touched, the prayer "Om Mani Padme Hung" is recited.This envokes the attention of the Chenrezig; the embodiment of compassion.
(This reminds me of doing the rosary and "Hail Mary full of grace...anyone else?)
Your written dedication will be touched and blessed duriing the 3-day mediation. You can ask for prayers for the world, someone you love, for yourself, the community, anything.
You may give your donation online URGEN SAMTEN LING, or call them at 801-328-4629, or come by and pick up the pledge form at the building.
They will also be creating a sacred sand mandala, which will be created by the visiting Monks from India. If you have never seen this, it is an amazing sight.
The Om Mani Padme Hung will be repeated 1.2 million times over the course of the 3 days, and is for the sake of all sentient beings.
Donations will go towards the purchase of the building so it can be a permanent home for the Gonpa. All pledges are tax-deductible.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Urban Shaman
Driving to work recently, I decided to try an Urban Shaman experiment. I said, "Give me a sign." Expecting to see numbers, I was a little surprised to see animals everywhere: Eagle on the side of a big delivery truck, Spider drove by (ok, Spyder), Hawk appeared on a billboard by the side of the road, and Fish appeared on the back of a little minivan. After a little research and a lot of soul searching, I came up with this interpretation: I will become more than I ever dreamed possible (Eagle) by rebuilding the web of my life in accordance with the creator's design (Spider). To do this, I must pay attention to the signs and keep my analytical mind under control (Hawk). I need to be prepared as movement and change are upon me (Fish). Vision Quest - I'm ready. The picture was taken last year camping very close to Wolf's Pass.
The trick on us AD36
Ok Rebecca- this is a recap for you, because you are coming into this a bit later but nevertheless you are getting it-
If someone has never had a weight issue, has never struggled, been confused or frustrated with doing all the right things and not getting the results expected, then they don't understand the reason why I, and others in my same position, might feel angry, deceived and vindicated by the exposing of this infectious viral condition that just happens to cause us to gain up to 3x our body fat on the same food as others.
THIS is exactly what we have been saying for years. At least the last 20 years since the mid 80s, which is exactly when this virus seems to have come into existence. AND it's when the Infectious disease agency knew about it, and when the US population seems to have inexplicably gained 30% in bodyfat index.
We've gone to experts of all sorts saying "But I don't eat any more than anyone else, WHY am I gaining weight and they don't?" Well we were called lazy, for one thing. And told we lacked willpower, motivation and self esteem. If we really wanted it, we would be able to do it, of course!
I remember my husband saying "You are so strong, and you can do anything, WHY can't you lose this weight???" And I sat down and cried and said "I don't know!!!" I truly was trying. I had tried everything. AND I was trying the old diets that had always worked for me. And they no longer were.
As you all know, 17 years ago I finally opted for a gastric bypass because I couldn't get on top of it. I couldn't figure it out. I ate. But even if I ate vegetables I gained. Hell, we've been on rawish for what, 8 months now, and much to my chagrin, I have lost a whooping 10-12 pounds-and that's got to be half water because it vacillates. Is that normal? People tell me they shed 40, 50 60 pounds or more. Hmmmm. Ok. It took me a year to lose 15 pounds a few years ago-which I gained back...and am in the process of losing again. And I am not losing inches this time because I am no where near those size 6 pants this time.
The experts say any number of things already posted on the blog under "the rules that don't work for me".
It's your fault...that's a big one. We came to believe to the core of who we are that there was a "something" we could do to change it, and that it was happening because of something we did. Wow.
That alone is huge.
But the things we were bombarded with, and that we took in as truths were:
You are eating too much. (so we cut back sometimes to as little as 500 calories a day-way less than a normally metabolized person should have to eat.)
You're eating the wrong foods. (we modified our eating in any number of ways-and followed diets perpetuated by the thin, and the newly thin. It's a whole industry)
Cut back on calories. (we did)
Cut back on carbs. (we did)
Exercise more. (we did)
But for some of us, much to our shame and humiliation, we still checked in with little if any, significant weight and fat loss.
Even pills, shots, and various meds brought little relief.
I'm just saying WHAT IF it's this virus? And WHAT IF it isn't your fault, or my fault. What if it's true that we eat the same amount as a thin person, and we gain weight on it? WHAT IF we have 3x the fat cells, NOT because our mother bottlefed us when we were an infant-(which is when experts are saying we actually created our surplus of fat cells).
Do you know that they teach that all of your fat cells are created when you are an infant so if you are a fat baby you will be a fat adult? That's so not true! But people believe it.
Why then do we have a hard time believing in a virus that can make someone fat?
What if it's an infectious agent that they have known about since the 80s, that triggers your stem cells to turn into fat cells?
What if these same experts say "it ONLY makes people fat" so it isn't a big deal.
What if this multi billion dollar "weight gain/loss" industry has developed out of this virus and it's side effects? WHOA...talk about a conspiracy theory
Hey-40% of the people tested are testing positive. Now granted, that's 40% of the people that suspect they have been exposed. But 40% is a huge number! And 10% of those people are thin, NOT fat.
What if the pharmaceutical industry, who manufactures those weight LOSS supplements, as well as the diabetic, and high blood pressure meds that are the results of the weight gain, are perfectly happy to have us fat and getting fatter? FAT is good for the economy.
Follow the money and you might realize why there are only two doctors that are taking this at all seriously...and with little if any support or credibility coming their way because of it, and a lot of flack from their peers.
What I hear now from those same thin experts is "fat people are just looking for an excuse for being fat when what they really need to do is lose weight".
This one infuriates me. I'm by no means fat anymore, although I feel some days as if I still weigh 300 pounds. I'm 15 pounds more than I want to weigh though, after major surgery, and like Bo said, I'm no longer making myself crazy because I'm not in that size 6. THIS is my body. I accept it, flabby underarms and all.
But that prejudice that I hear still angers me. Fat people are passionate people. They are kinesthetic FEELING people. They feel MORE than others, and deeper, and they take things harder. They have huge energy-that gets expended carrying extra weight.
You pick up a couple of toddlers and strap them to your body and carry them around all the time, and tell me that it isn't exhausting. Try it. I dare you! You think they don't WANT to lose weight? THey want it more than anything. They aren't looking for a quick fix. They want to see normal results.
All these weight loss ads make me nuts too. There is a model, sporting her new 6pack-which is like near impossible for women by the way-
and in tiny size 4 font at the bottom of the ad it says " these results are not typical" so they cover their own asses. Ok, what are the typical results? A few pounds? One pound a week? One pound a month? Who can keep their motivation going in the face of that???
6 years ago I signed up with a medical clinic. I followed the program religiously-including weekly shots, and I lost a whooping pound and a half...a MONTH. I persevered though because they tell us that when you lose it slowly, it stays off. It took me more than a year to drop 15 pounds. I got down to a 6-but I still had a very high percentage of bodyfat. They were stymied. I was wearing a size 6 and my body fat was 30%. Does that make sense???
All I'm saying is that when you don't fit their box, don't keep trying to shove yourself into it, or beat yourself up because you don't fit. There is another box. And maybe, just maybe AD36 is it. It's not about finding an excuse, it's about finding something that makes sense when nothing else does.
I've called myself an addict. I've beaten myself every way to Sunday. I know this world. And, realizing that it could well be this virus that is the culprit and not my weak self esteem, or my lack of willpower-well, it's freeing.
Much like all those women that were told menopausal symptoms were in their heads...by well meaning experts that told them to go home and get a grip.
But I don't have an answer yet. What if we test positive for the virus? Then what? Is there a cure? There is NOT a conventional cure. No vaccine. Nil research in that direction. Those doctors are still trying to get people to listen to them as they try and prove that there IS a virus!
Well, the experts say once we have those extra fat cells the only way to get rid of them is lypo or other surgeries because we don't lose fat cells even when we lose weight-they just shrink. Did you know that? You lose weight when the fat cells stop "storing' and release. But you don't lose the fat cell itself. It stays there waiting to get the orders to store again.
I'm open to suggestions. I'm open to working with a group of like minded people on a research project. I'm open to using the frequencies to find a protocol that works. I'm open to all of us trying things and pooling information. But so far, we are 3. CA, me, and now you Rebecca. Think about it-those numbers in the face of all the people out there that we know are facing the same obstacles...that's daunting isn't it? Why aren't more people willing to realize that this might not be their fault? It's so much easier for people to blame than it is for people to forgive, isn't it.
Talk about hitting a limiting belief / the wall of apathy. But under the apathy is anger. And under anger is fear. And under fear is compassion...
If someone has never had a weight issue, has never struggled, been confused or frustrated with doing all the right things and not getting the results expected, then they don't understand the reason why I, and others in my same position, might feel angry, deceived and vindicated by the exposing of this infectious viral condition that just happens to cause us to gain up to 3x our body fat on the same food as others.
THIS is exactly what we have been saying for years. At least the last 20 years since the mid 80s, which is exactly when this virus seems to have come into existence. AND it's when the Infectious disease agency knew about it, and when the US population seems to have inexplicably gained 30% in bodyfat index.
We've gone to experts of all sorts saying "But I don't eat any more than anyone else, WHY am I gaining weight and they don't?" Well we were called lazy, for one thing. And told we lacked willpower, motivation and self esteem. If we really wanted it, we would be able to do it, of course!
I remember my husband saying "You are so strong, and you can do anything, WHY can't you lose this weight???" And I sat down and cried and said "I don't know!!!" I truly was trying. I had tried everything. AND I was trying the old diets that had always worked for me. And they no longer were.
As you all know, 17 years ago I finally opted for a gastric bypass because I couldn't get on top of it. I couldn't figure it out. I ate. But even if I ate vegetables I gained. Hell, we've been on rawish for what, 8 months now, and much to my chagrin, I have lost a whooping 10-12 pounds-and that's got to be half water because it vacillates. Is that normal? People tell me they shed 40, 50 60 pounds or more. Hmmmm. Ok. It took me a year to lose 15 pounds a few years ago-which I gained back...and am in the process of losing again. And I am not losing inches this time because I am no where near those size 6 pants this time.
The experts say any number of things already posted on the blog under "the rules that don't work for me".
It's your fault...that's a big one. We came to believe to the core of who we are that there was a "something" we could do to change it, and that it was happening because of something we did. Wow.
That alone is huge.
But the things we were bombarded with, and that we took in as truths were:
You are eating too much. (so we cut back sometimes to as little as 500 calories a day-way less than a normally metabolized person should have to eat.)
You're eating the wrong foods. (we modified our eating in any number of ways-and followed diets perpetuated by the thin, and the newly thin. It's a whole industry)
Cut back on calories. (we did)
Cut back on carbs. (we did)
Exercise more. (we did)
But for some of us, much to our shame and humiliation, we still checked in with little if any, significant weight and fat loss.
Even pills, shots, and various meds brought little relief.
I'm just saying WHAT IF it's this virus? And WHAT IF it isn't your fault, or my fault. What if it's true that we eat the same amount as a thin person, and we gain weight on it? WHAT IF we have 3x the fat cells, NOT because our mother bottlefed us when we were an infant-(which is when experts are saying we actually created our surplus of fat cells).
Do you know that they teach that all of your fat cells are created when you are an infant so if you are a fat baby you will be a fat adult? That's so not true! But people believe it.
Why then do we have a hard time believing in a virus that can make someone fat?
What if it's an infectious agent that they have known about since the 80s, that triggers your stem cells to turn into fat cells?
What if these same experts say "it ONLY makes people fat" so it isn't a big deal.
What if this multi billion dollar "weight gain/loss" industry has developed out of this virus and it's side effects? WHOA...talk about a conspiracy theory
Hey-40% of the people tested are testing positive. Now granted, that's 40% of the people that suspect they have been exposed. But 40% is a huge number! And 10% of those people are thin, NOT fat.
What if the pharmaceutical industry, who manufactures those weight LOSS supplements, as well as the diabetic, and high blood pressure meds that are the results of the weight gain, are perfectly happy to have us fat and getting fatter? FAT is good for the economy.
Follow the money and you might realize why there are only two doctors that are taking this at all seriously...and with little if any support or credibility coming their way because of it, and a lot of flack from their peers.
What I hear now from those same thin experts is "fat people are just looking for an excuse for being fat when what they really need to do is lose weight".
This one infuriates me. I'm by no means fat anymore, although I feel some days as if I still weigh 300 pounds. I'm 15 pounds more than I want to weigh though, after major surgery, and like Bo said, I'm no longer making myself crazy because I'm not in that size 6. THIS is my body. I accept it, flabby underarms and all.
But that prejudice that I hear still angers me. Fat people are passionate people. They are kinesthetic FEELING people. They feel MORE than others, and deeper, and they take things harder. They have huge energy-that gets expended carrying extra weight.
You pick up a couple of toddlers and strap them to your body and carry them around all the time, and tell me that it isn't exhausting. Try it. I dare you! You think they don't WANT to lose weight? THey want it more than anything. They aren't looking for a quick fix. They want to see normal results.
All these weight loss ads make me nuts too. There is a model, sporting her new 6pack-which is like near impossible for women by the way-
and in tiny size 4 font at the bottom of the ad it says " these results are not typical" so they cover their own asses. Ok, what are the typical results? A few pounds? One pound a week? One pound a month? Who can keep their motivation going in the face of that???
6 years ago I signed up with a medical clinic. I followed the program religiously-including weekly shots, and I lost a whooping pound and a half...a MONTH. I persevered though because they tell us that when you lose it slowly, it stays off. It took me more than a year to drop 15 pounds. I got down to a 6-but I still had a very high percentage of bodyfat. They were stymied. I was wearing a size 6 and my body fat was 30%. Does that make sense???
All I'm saying is that when you don't fit their box, don't keep trying to shove yourself into it, or beat yourself up because you don't fit. There is another box. And maybe, just maybe AD36 is it. It's not about finding an excuse, it's about finding something that makes sense when nothing else does.
I've called myself an addict. I've beaten myself every way to Sunday. I know this world. And, realizing that it could well be this virus that is the culprit and not my weak self esteem, or my lack of willpower-well, it's freeing.
Much like all those women that were told menopausal symptoms were in their heads...by well meaning experts that told them to go home and get a grip.
But I don't have an answer yet. What if we test positive for the virus? Then what? Is there a cure? There is NOT a conventional cure. No vaccine. Nil research in that direction. Those doctors are still trying to get people to listen to them as they try and prove that there IS a virus!
Well, the experts say once we have those extra fat cells the only way to get rid of them is lypo or other surgeries because we don't lose fat cells even when we lose weight-they just shrink. Did you know that? You lose weight when the fat cells stop "storing' and release. But you don't lose the fat cell itself. It stays there waiting to get the orders to store again.
I'm open to suggestions. I'm open to working with a group of like minded people on a research project. I'm open to using the frequencies to find a protocol that works. I'm open to all of us trying things and pooling information. But so far, we are 3. CA, me, and now you Rebecca. Think about it-those numbers in the face of all the people out there that we know are facing the same obstacles...that's daunting isn't it? Why aren't more people willing to realize that this might not be their fault? It's so much easier for people to blame than it is for people to forgive, isn't it.
Talk about hitting a limiting belief / the wall of apathy. But under the apathy is anger. And under anger is fear. And under fear is compassion...
adventures in fundraising
Hike for Discovery
What a creative new idea this is! Check it out. It's a hiking adventure to raise money for leukemia and lymphoma research. You all know how I feel about that, but I do like this as a creative way to raise money.
Check it out. A friend of mine has committed to doing the KAUAI HIKE
Take a look at the ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIKES page. WOW! If you wanted a challenge, you could train for the LONGS peak...there's a challenge alright!
What a creative new idea this is! Check it out. It's a hiking adventure to raise money for leukemia and lymphoma research. You all know how I feel about that, but I do like this as a creative way to raise money.
Check it out. A friend of mine has committed to doing the KAUAI HIKE
Take a look at the ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIKES page. WOW! If you wanted a challenge, you could train for the LONGS peak...there's a challenge alright!
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Journeys of the Heart
This is a documentary series that profiles a group of volunteers that go to PERU to work with deaf mute children at an orphanage. I'm not sure if it has already been on *April, or if it is going to be on again? Thought it had interesting pictures though.
JOURNEYS OF THE HEART
They went through an organization called
GLOBEAWARE-adventures in service.
You can take your group, school or corporate, to a third world country for a trip as service volunteers...
UPDATE: It's on HD tv and the last episode is tonight.
But I can't find it. Here's the website that hosts it VOOM.tv
JOURNEYS OF THE HEART
They went through an organization called
GLOBEAWARE-adventures in service.
You can take your group, school or corporate, to a third world country for a trip as service volunteers...
UPDATE: It's on HD tv and the last episode is tonight.
But I can't find it. Here's the website that hosts it VOOM.tv
yoga and reconnecting
i finally decided to go to this yoga place a block from my apt...(dont know why ive made it so difficult - going to yoga far away from my place and in slc ---really far) anyway it was such an amazing experience. its on a second floor of this little building you walk in and there are several little rooms then the main room is this gorgeous little brick room with a huge skylight...it was so incredibly quiet and beautiful in there! they have different types of yoga and meditation mainly vinyasa and hatha...
i had a HARD but great class.....i ended up buying a 10 pack and im going back today!... i cant stress the importance for me of a physical component in my life...my body really needs it and when i dont do anything my muscles and bones and my joints are sore and locked and everything else feels like shit - and i notice how tight i am when i go after not having gone for a while - i always forget that when im not doing anything....the juice fast allowed me to go there mentally and remember and listen to my body....reconnecting feels so good...and so much of what this has all been about...i was having so much resistance this past 5 weeks --- im not sure what exactly has been happening but i think i needed to decompress after a lot of work and just let go .... unfortunatley i let out instead of release and let go and went way offline with food and drink and cigs. coming back to center....mmmmm feels so so good. i am so in touch with my body again....
anyway just wanted to share this with you guys...i was so excited when i left...its taken me 2 years to walk down the block to go to this place....
it was the right moment and i was ready!
also ....had a great session right after with a client/friend we did a trade....i was clear and i stayed with it and focused even though it was sort of difficult at times....i learned a lot!
excited to see you guys - ill be in on the 5th!
i had a HARD but great class.....i ended up buying a 10 pack and im going back today!... i cant stress the importance for me of a physical component in my life...my body really needs it and when i dont do anything my muscles and bones and my joints are sore and locked and everything else feels like shit - and i notice how tight i am when i go after not having gone for a while - i always forget that when im not doing anything....the juice fast allowed me to go there mentally and remember and listen to my body....reconnecting feels so good...and so much of what this has all been about...i was having so much resistance this past 5 weeks --- im not sure what exactly has been happening but i think i needed to decompress after a lot of work and just let go .... unfortunatley i let out instead of release and let go and went way offline with food and drink and cigs. coming back to center....mmmmm feels so so good. i am so in touch with my body again....
anyway just wanted to share this with you guys...i was so excited when i left...its taken me 2 years to walk down the block to go to this place....
it was the right moment and i was ready!
also ....had a great session right after with a client/friend we did a trade....i was clear and i stayed with it and focused even though it was sort of difficult at times....i learned a lot!
excited to see you guys - ill be in on the 5th!
Sunday, June 24, 2007
quote
found this one again today....
"The truth is that many people set rules to keep from making decisions."
Mike Krzyzewski
"The truth is that many people set rules to keep from making decisions."
Mike Krzyzewski
moving things around
i was at my best-friends wedding shower all day today and when i got home i went on a super super intense cleaning mission/meditation/workout/release/who knows what ...
i threw all of my clothes out of the drawers refolded and reorganized them - moved all of my furniture around - threw everything in my fridge out washed all of the shelves - cleaned and organized my bathroom - threw out bags of garbage - organized all of my books - swept - im leaving some things out....anyway point is i needed to - something has been brewing for a while and today i took it out on my apt....well allowed it to work through...a lot has been shifting the past few weeks and ive been feeling a little strange hormones out of wack again....
im sure all of the wedding talk today boggled it out and brought whatever was festering to a head...i felt so driven and intense then shifted to anger until i sat down - 4 straight hours of intense cleaning in 500 sq feet....now im calm (but sore from moving furniture!)
it feels so much better in here....it looks better its 'clear' - and i feel the shift inside me....each area seems more like a little vignette more specific for function but also more comfortable - it somehow seems bigger more organized better boundaries - i created a sitting area - a bed/sleeping area - a work area- a living room area - my mesa area ---- so what is it ive done inside???
im on a juice fast tomorrow....mondays are juice fast day (something i started a while back and reinstated recently because ive been so off)....i really need it tomorrow...
i threw all of my clothes out of the drawers refolded and reorganized them - moved all of my furniture around - threw everything in my fridge out washed all of the shelves - cleaned and organized my bathroom - threw out bags of garbage - organized all of my books - swept - im leaving some things out....anyway point is i needed to - something has been brewing for a while and today i took it out on my apt....well allowed it to work through...a lot has been shifting the past few weeks and ive been feeling a little strange hormones out of wack again....
im sure all of the wedding talk today boggled it out and brought whatever was festering to a head...i felt so driven and intense then shifted to anger until i sat down - 4 straight hours of intense cleaning in 500 sq feet....now im calm (but sore from moving furniture!)
it feels so much better in here....it looks better its 'clear' - and i feel the shift inside me....each area seems more like a little vignette more specific for function but also more comfortable - it somehow seems bigger more organized better boundaries - i created a sitting area - a bed/sleeping area - a work area- a living room area - my mesa area ---- so what is it ive done inside???
im on a juice fast tomorrow....mondays are juice fast day (something i started a while back and reinstated recently because ive been so off)....i really need it tomorrow...
Beautiful Day Today
If we pay attention to what is around us, we are in rhythm with all of nature.
If we pay attention to our own breath, we are alive.
If we pay attention to the life force in everything,
how can we come to do harm to anything? There is just such amazing beauty, and color, and life!
If we pay attention to our own breath, we are alive.
If we pay attention to the life force in everything, how can we come to do harm to anything? There is just such amazing beauty, and color, and life!
Nut Patti Main Course
Well finally I'm slo-cooking again. It's been awhile. I was laughing at myself with Kathy last night because I kept putzing in the kitchen all day, pulling things out, mixing, cutting, then not eating anything but a piece of fruit. Tony just kept shaking his head because I ended up not making a thing that we could actually eat! Last night. But that's the way slo-cooking is...
Today I took out the vege-nut mixture and added edamame and started dredging pattis in flaxseed meal. I did wipe my cast-iron skillet with some olive oil, and put it on the lowest setting, and then put the pattis on the skillet to just warm them a bit for the family. They turned out delish either cool or warmed. I think you could put these in the dehydrator for awhile too.
Here's the recipe:
In the food processor:
1 green bell pepper-seeded
3 carrots, tops taken off
1 onion, quartered
3 stalks celery with leaves
coarse chop until all are uniformly tiny bits.
Put contents into a large mixing bowl
In the food processor:
2-3 c raw almonds
1 c any other nut you have. I used raw cashews, and some raw brazil nuts.
1/2 c hemp seed (seasame seeds, or sunflower seeds would work too)
process until nuts are uniformly tiny
Put contents into the mixing bowl
Add
1 c flax seed meal
1 tsp cayenne (yep, but the veges soak it up and it really isn't too much
1/2 tsp hot pepper flakes
1 tsp fresh chopped parsley
1 tsp fresh chopped oregano
1 c fresh raw edamame
salt and pepper
I let this mixture sit overnight in the fridge, remember. The flavors really were much better today. Last night it was a bit bland. Flax seed meal is a binder, and helps the pattis to keep their shape, so use it even if you don't want to warm them on the skillet. I made pattis, then dredged them in more flaxseed meal just like when you are breading meat for chicken fried steak or something-you know? Worked fine!
You could also use the mixture loose and put it in lettuce leaves as rollups, which had been my original plan.
Today I took out the vege-nut mixture and added edamame and started dredging pattis in flaxseed meal. I did wipe my cast-iron skillet with some olive oil, and put it on the lowest setting, and then put the pattis on the skillet to just warm them a bit for the family. They turned out delish either cool or warmed. I think you could put these in the dehydrator for awhile too.
Here's the recipe:
In the food processor:
1 green bell pepper-seeded
3 carrots, tops taken off
1 onion, quartered
3 stalks celery with leaves
coarse chop until all are uniformly tiny bits.
Put contents into a large mixing bowl
In the food processor:
2-3 c raw almonds
1 c any other nut you have. I used raw cashews, and some raw brazil nuts.
1/2 c hemp seed (seasame seeds, or sunflower seeds would work too)
process until nuts are uniformly tiny
Put contents into the mixing bowl
Add
1 c flax seed meal
1 tsp cayenne (yep, but the veges soak it up and it really isn't too much
1/2 tsp hot pepper flakes
1 tsp fresh chopped parsley
1 tsp fresh chopped oregano
1 c fresh raw edamame
salt and pepper
I let this mixture sit overnight in the fridge, remember. The flavors really were much better today. Last night it was a bit bland. Flax seed meal is a binder, and helps the pattis to keep their shape, so use it even if you don't want to warm them on the skillet. I made pattis, then dredged them in more flaxseed meal just like when you are breading meat for chicken fried steak or something-you know? Worked fine!
You could also use the mixture loose and put it in lettuce leaves as rollups, which had been my original plan.
Why the Zoo?
Many of you have asked me why I went to the zoo. At first thought, it seemed random. But you know the part I forgot is that Jon wants to go into Zoology, and they have a zoo program for kids once they are 18, which will be in a few months for him. I think I "randomly" went there to show him what goes on, and we did talk about it. He wants to work with animals, but I'm not sure a zoo is for him. Too many people-which was why we left in the end! :)
I am going to give him the ideas we have been playing with, and see what he thinks of it. Who knows-maybe this next generation can change it? When we let ourselves go with the flow-who knows where it leads? I wasn't thinking specifically about that, and it only JUST NOW occured to me. Funny how it works that way. I feel better about having gone, now that I see a bigger picture. Trust we are being lead.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Another haunting face
I find these images haunting...what do they think? What would we were we in the same position? What have we done to them? Are they better off, being handed food and kept warm and safe in a cage? Makes you wonder if "safe" is all it's cracked up to be, doesn't it?
This is the one that kept spasming with every child's shrill cry...
In the Eye
Jon and I went out yesterday and ended up at the zoo. I can see the benefit of observing such magnificent creatures, however, it is such a disservice to their very natures. I kept thinking of "Happy Feet" when he found himself in the zoo-anyone see it? How would we react, I wonder, to being behind glass? Many of the animals simply turned their backs and did their best to ignore us all.
I also found myself so saddened at the faces of the monkeys, trapped behind glass. Two little spider monkeys huddled together, and each time a child screeched, one would spasm and arch his back as if shocked. After having seen them so recently, wild and free, flinging themselves with total abandon, from branch to branch above our heads, swooping down to take a plantano from our hands...this was heartbreaking to me. Looking into the eyes, you can see the intelligence there, the understanding of what is happening, that they are caught.
Birds are a different element, but there were parrots in small cages (small compared to the jungle) and again, I was reminded of their morning calls from the treetops. I was captivated by the magpies, free and happy to grab dropped scraps and climb to a high branch to nibble it. The birds somehow didn't radiate the same sadness that other animals did.
Such pride in their entire demeanor isn't there? Self assurance. The peacock doesn't apologize for a moment. Nature at her finest in all her creations. I could appreciate having the opportunity to see them all there I suppose. But what a travisty to their natural instincts...
I found the snakes fascinating. As usual. And so glad that the Rainforest was friendly to me everytime I have been there. As I watched the snakes, as they were watching me, I thought of what it would have felt like to have one that size drop from a branch. We are so fragile when confronted with the primal energy of this planet.
To be out of right relation...I get why those ceremonies and rituals of respect evolved. Look into her eyes, and see a ruthless sort of power and self control. She says "it's nothing personal"...
I also found myself so saddened at the faces of the monkeys, trapped behind glass. Two little spider monkeys huddled together, and each time a child screeched, one would spasm and arch his back as if shocked. After having seen them so recently, wild and free, flinging themselves with total abandon, from branch to branch above our heads, swooping down to take a plantano from our hands...this was heartbreaking to me. Looking into the eyes, you can see the intelligence there, the understanding of what is happening, that they are caught.
Birds are a different element, but there were parrots in small cages (small compared to the jungle) and again, I was reminded of their morning calls from the treetops. I was captivated by the magpies, free and happy to grab dropped scraps and climb to a high branch to nibble it. The birds somehow didn't radiate the same sadness that other animals did.
Such pride in their entire demeanor isn't there? Self assurance. The peacock doesn't apologize for a moment. Nature at her finest in all her creations. I could appreciate having the opportunity to see them all there I suppose. But what a travisty to their natural instincts...
I found the snakes fascinating. As usual. And so glad that the Rainforest was friendly to me everytime I have been there. As I watched the snakes, as they were watching me, I thought of what it would have felt like to have one that size drop from a branch. We are so fragile when confronted with the primal energy of this planet.
To be out of right relation...I get why those ceremonies and rituals of respect evolved. Look into her eyes, and see a ruthless sort of power and self control. She says "it's nothing personal"...
Friday, June 22, 2007
More Vistas of Wolf Creek
It was such a pleasure to be with such wonderful company and then to have the weather be so awesome. I couldn't get over how clear, crisp and clean it was up there. Joy, your pictures are wonderful. This place holds such a special place in my Heart and I am so glad that I am getting you all up there. Fathers Day it was Bo and Ray, this is when I took my Hawk picture. I love this engagement with Nature as I have said before. I am loving the movement that is getting me there. Yesterday was so wonderful :)
Bluebells and Butterflies
Had a glorious day out in nature with Jac and Emily up Wolf Creek Pass. It was stupendous and clear, flowers, butterflies and amazing vistas and views.
words can't express it!
words can't express it!
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Peruvian Adventures
Words just can't convey the magic of the place. I know you are all wanting to hear from me, but to be honest, I don't think I can say much yet.
Children of the Andes
While in Peru this time I met Pierre, who has begun a wonderful enducational project in Peru. His website is
CHILDREN OF THE ANDES and they are bringing Waldorf education to the villages in Peru. They are building a 5000 s/f building, and have really taken huge steps forward including having teachers there already.
I thought you all might be interested is seeing it. We talked a long time about the possiblilties of raising money for them, or with them, or doing a project together...
CHILDREN OF THE ANDES and they are bringing Waldorf education to the villages in Peru. They are building a 5000 s/f building, and have really taken huge steps forward including having teachers there already.
I thought you all might be interested is seeing it. We talked a long time about the possiblilties of raising money for them, or with them, or doing a project together...
dreams
back from costa rica....such a wonderful trip. i am still having very intense dreams. i feel like ive been working all night when i wake up....last nights dream was so incredibly intense...im going to go break it down right now but im beginning to wonder whats up? they are similiar in that the dreams are all closeups on interpersonal relationships and everyone ive known is back in them - im not sure if its showing my fear in all of these relationships or the truth - maybe both. In any case there always seems to be important lessons and revelations for me that seems to unfold a few days later either in my thoughts to clear about a relationship or in a more general way.
also daily i am getting snippets from dreams i had when i was little...its like my dream memory bank is open and files, pieces are being selected to reference with now. its so bizarre because ill be sitting with people then out of the blue and almost seamlessly the old dream comes in like a new lens slipped over the current moment....it doesnt last forever its just so incredibly strange to revisit....
happen to anyone??
its been a month now....
also daily i am getting snippets from dreams i had when i was little...its like my dream memory bank is open and files, pieces are being selected to reference with now. its so bizarre because ill be sitting with people then out of the blue and almost seamlessly the old dream comes in like a new lens slipped over the current moment....it doesnt last forever its just so incredibly strange to revisit....
happen to anyone??
its been a month now....
Monday, June 18, 2007
Letting Go
Just a quick reflection. Many of you have been writing about letting go and then receiving. Joy started it I think with her necklace and then Lauren with her experience in the park. Jac too I think. Seems it must be a theme right now.
I know that we are being pushed to our limits with the energy coming in. It seems to be a transforming energy or at least this is what I am feeling. Transcending the past and clearing all the old stuff so that we can finally hold a clear high vibration for bringing in the new world.
I have struggled with a piece through this life time and probably many others. Certainly it has been a great thorn in my side. It feels like it shifted and it was in the total letting go of what I wanted the most that the wounding was healed. There is such illusion in drama but when we release the drama then we can see more clearly the truth.
I was on the hike yesterday with Jac. Midway through the hike we came across two baby mice huddled together. They appeared ill really, one weaker than the other. It seemed the one mouse was close to death but the other stayed laying closely beside and on top of the other. It would seem that this would have been a good time for the little guy to let go and walk away. Yet he stayed and one has to wonder if this was the cause of his weakness. On the shaman site, the mouse had many possible lessons but the one that seemed to stand out was "Examines life's lessons". Seems that is what we have been doing. I just encourage everyone to keep letting go, I think this is our greatest challenge and our greatest gift, not just to ourselves but to all.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
heaven
ok so i decided last minute to jump on a plane and fly to costa rica. so here i am. guidance support love bo is right. i needed this this was where i was supposed to be right now and it all worked out! I got a free ticket here from continental because of all my credit card miles! thank god all those car rentals in salt lake gave back! not to mention all my rocks!
anyway its rainy season here and its clearly started raining earlier this season...everything is so incredibly green and gorgeous. the fog and the clouds roll over this green and over the red dirt and the rocks and the plants and trees....there was a moment yesterday driving in my baby blue unicorn car the 76 toyota that i was like holy shit man this is it...this is it im here in heaven...i couldnt even say anything but holy shit holy shit...its like CA´s button...heehee...it was complete confirmation that finca feral was real and is going to happen and is going to be a thriving community of my friends family and loved ones...i cant wait for you all to see it to be here...and you will....i am working away on the business plans in order to get the money needed to built the beginnings of it through donation to the non'profit. i am also figuring out how to work sponser houses on the farm where an individual or family sponnsers a house on the farm and it becomes their home...its all unfolding and its all happening in what feels like the most magical way...i feel so incredibly blessed right now. when you listen you hear everything you need to...its so much about just following and believing...that was one amazing thing my dad gave me...well the most i think it was this belief in magic and that anything is possible....
i miss you all so much and cant wait to send pics when im back in ny wednesday....im planning on being in salt lake for the first part of july.
also so interesting last night there were so many light beings in the room with me i was so tired and kept hearing sleep sleep but the room was filled with this light energy and what felt like spirits....i kept opening my eyes and watching all of them walking around...i had these very bizarre dreams that im working through so have yet to figure what its all about but they were some epic dreams of me and jaguar me caressing her beautiful fur at the side of me bed... and all of these lions guarding the house...wow....
anyway internets down in town so we drove out to nicoya about 45 min to use internet and the off to hojancha to buy some trees to plant....
i can see you all in your homes on the farm it makes me really happy!!!!!!
i know it will all be in the right time.....
love you guys...
anyway its rainy season here and its clearly started raining earlier this season...everything is so incredibly green and gorgeous. the fog and the clouds roll over this green and over the red dirt and the rocks and the plants and trees....there was a moment yesterday driving in my baby blue unicorn car the 76 toyota that i was like holy shit man this is it...this is it im here in heaven...i couldnt even say anything but holy shit holy shit...its like CA´s button...heehee...it was complete confirmation that finca feral was real and is going to happen and is going to be a thriving community of my friends family and loved ones...i cant wait for you all to see it to be here...and you will....i am working away on the business plans in order to get the money needed to built the beginnings of it through donation to the non'profit. i am also figuring out how to work sponser houses on the farm where an individual or family sponnsers a house on the farm and it becomes their home...its all unfolding and its all happening in what feels like the most magical way...i feel so incredibly blessed right now. when you listen you hear everything you need to...its so much about just following and believing...that was one amazing thing my dad gave me...well the most i think it was this belief in magic and that anything is possible....
i miss you all so much and cant wait to send pics when im back in ny wednesday....im planning on being in salt lake for the first part of july.
also so interesting last night there were so many light beings in the room with me i was so tired and kept hearing sleep sleep but the room was filled with this light energy and what felt like spirits....i kept opening my eyes and watching all of them walking around...i had these very bizarre dreams that im working through so have yet to figure what its all about but they were some epic dreams of me and jaguar me caressing her beautiful fur at the side of me bed... and all of these lions guarding the house...wow....
anyway internets down in town so we drove out to nicoya about 45 min to use internet and the off to hojancha to buy some trees to plant....
i can see you all in your homes on the farm it makes me really happy!!!!!!
i know it will all be in the right time.....
love you guys...
New Contacts???
Yesterday was a "Doozie!" for me. Some letting go, it took a big push of energy to shift what needed to be shifted weeks if not months ago. Seems it could be easier and kinder and gentler if I could just learn to let go with gratitude and be open to receive new life. Big lesson for me.
I thought Catherine Ann's experience of Joy was interesting, the connection. I had my own odd experience. As Catherine Ann and I sat across from each other at dinner I began seeing energy lines around her head and face. Then I looked at the plant beside us and again saw these energy lines. At times they appeared like the waves you see coming off a hot surface and then they turned from clear to rainbow colors. It was odd but didn't last long. I immediately thought of the movie I saw where they could see the aura's around everything and then suddenly they saw the new dimension. Then my head said, maybe it's your new contacts? (LOL) Later that night I was home and walking down the hall when I became very dizzy, also lasting only moments. I didn't think of Joy but now I wonder? We are all very connected. On the other hand I wondered if it was the new energy coming in, now stronger and a taste of what is yet to come? Just interesting.
I thought Catherine Ann's experience of Joy was interesting, the connection. I had my own odd experience. As Catherine Ann and I sat across from each other at dinner I began seeing energy lines around her head and face. Then I looked at the plant beside us and again saw these energy lines. At times they appeared like the waves you see coming off a hot surface and then they turned from clear to rainbow colors. It was odd but didn't last long. I immediately thought of the movie I saw where they could see the aura's around everything and then suddenly they saw the new dimension. Then my head said, maybe it's your new contacts? (LOL) Later that night I was home and walking down the hall when I became very dizzy, also lasting only moments. I didn't think of Joy but now I wonder? We are all very connected. On the other hand I wondered if it was the new energy coming in, now stronger and a taste of what is yet to come? Just interesting.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
coming out
wow i just hit send on a large email to my family and friends...(you all included) basically coming out with this healing work!!! AHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! wow that was huge...nervous a little excited yes....wow that felt like a really big deal! ahhhh. release.....wow. ok we shall see!
Being in Two Places
Looking out at the garden after connecting with you all on the blog this morning. It is beautiful and one would think I was in Ky looking at this picture of green, my little piece of nature.The Save the Earth people are going to hold a protest outside my home if I don't quit watering. Well hell I recycle!:) I know I know I need to Xero scape but I'm not there yet. Miles to go before I sleep.
I am avoiding the reason I write. Had a terribly disturbing dream yesterday. I was on the way to my Father's funeral. There was no feeling until I got there and walked into the room. It was full of people all seated. In the front of the room was the coffin with my Dad in it, (as our morbid custom dictates). I stood at the door and on my left was Mom and Dad. My Dad was really struggling. (Yes right he is in two places seated beside me with my mother who is "on the other side" on the other side of him and he is in the coffin). When I looked again at the coffin, I can see his arms jerk and then his legs. As if he is in the throws of death, trying to die or trying to live it isn't clear. What is clear is he is not dead yet and he's laying up there in a coffin. We leave the funeral home and Poppa is in an RV, he is driving away, like he used to drive when he would get mad leaving us standing there waiting to see if he was going to come back - he always would. Momma is ready to party and is so disgusted that he is not in the swing with her. I said 'MOM he's upset, Jesus he's trying to die here'. SHe was not buying any of the drama just ready to Rock and Roll.
The dream left me with terrible feelings. I was so sad all day yesterday and teary. This is really hard, much harder than I thought it would be. Talk about feeling alone. Jesus, my poor Dad. I am so very connected to him. It feels like I am going through this with him. I hope he feels me there. In talking about the dream now I understand it very clearly. Poppa is sitting between life and death. Mom on one side (dead Well in one sense she is more alive than me) and myself on the other (alive). I think I could say accurately we are the two beings he is most connected to, at least in this life time. His body is so shot now and I don't see even the slightest bit of joy or peace in his life. There is such sadness and yet he seems caught.
This morning as I woke before any of the chatter began when I touch the silence Joy's quote spoke of and immediately I see a White Horse posed as if running with wild maine flying and the horse is beautiful and strong. An incredible vision. It was odd because the horse was not moving but as if someone froze the horse while he was running.
I needed to work with this dream and have someone on the other side listening. Thanks
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Juice Fast
There is nothing faster at getting you back to center than doing day of nothing but raw juice. They call it a juice fast, but it is so satisfying and filling and so nutritional that you can hardly consider it a fast in the "deprived" sense of the word.
WOW~
I highly recommend it!
Several people I know do one day a week, and I think it's a great idea!
Since we all have juicers now, maybe that's our next experiment?
I've done a day and a half of juice only and I can so say it's amazing amazing amazing. Trick is to make it a day when you have access to the juicer all day so you can make it. I had to run out, hence the headache coming on when I was on empty.
Detoxing so fast though that I got a headache today in the afternoon, but more juice took care of it, and I got a runny nose too from the detoxing.
All good signs. You would think I'd already be pretty clear after 6 mns. but it feels great. All those tastes of this and that had thrown me off. Not terrible you know, just off a bit.
WOW~
I highly recommend it!
Several people I know do one day a week, and I think it's a great idea!
Since we all have juicers now, maybe that's our next experiment?
I've done a day and a half of juice only and I can so say it's amazing amazing amazing. Trick is to make it a day when you have access to the juicer all day so you can make it. I had to run out, hence the headache coming on when I was on empty.
Detoxing so fast though that I got a headache today in the afternoon, but more juice took care of it, and I got a runny nose too from the detoxing.
All good signs. You would think I'd already be pretty clear after 6 mns. but it feels great. All those tastes of this and that had thrown me off. Not terrible you know, just off a bit.
Copying Beethovean
A beautiful movie if you haven't seen it. "Copying Beethovean"
I was struck by a particular passage is which he is telling his copyist, Anna Holtz, how to listen for the music. I wrote it down...
"...listen to the voice speaking inside of you. Find the silence in yourself so you can hear the music. Silence between the notes. Silence is the key. When that silence envelopes you, then your soul can sing."
It's the same thing in our work. Getting to that silence so we can hear.
I was struck by a particular passage is which he is telling his copyist, Anna Holtz, how to listen for the music. I wrote it down...
"...listen to the voice speaking inside of you. Find the silence in yourself so you can hear the music. Silence between the notes. Silence is the key. When that silence envelopes you, then your soul can sing."
It's the same thing in our work. Getting to that silence so we can hear.
Rainbow Heart
What a glorious day. I went out into my backyard to do Tai Chi and it was so invigorating. Its wonderful to do this slow dance, listening to the birds in my yard. Connecting to the Earth, Connecting to the sky. When I was done with Tai Chi I then opened up my Mesa and watched the sunlight dance off my stones. I could sense how much the stones enjoyed being solarized. When I closed my eyes I got a vision of a V with a rainbow attached on both sides. I tried to use a graphic program I have but it just didn't work, so I will draw it and photograph it and see what happens. As I am continuing to commune with nature, the thought comes that how many people are missing this engagement today. How many are not appreciating the wind blowing through their hair. How many don't hear the birds because they are too busy. I feel honored and filled full of gratitude that I have the opportunity to have these experiences. Have a beautiful day and take the time to breathe in life.
morning realization
This morning I heard i song I hadnt heard since August when I was in a very 'rough' spot to say the least...as I listened to it it brought me right back to that moment and how incredibly beautiful it was in fact (that time) because although I was lost I was finding myself....At the darkest hours for me, I realize in those times what I was mourning was the loss of self. And the moments now I look back on with such deep emotion were the times I was in deep inner exploration...regardless of how desperate I felt at the time I was digging deep into a place that I had never felt or seen before, or a place I had lost and hadnt seen or felt in such a long time...It was a very beautiful moment this morning realizing this...something I had known but acknowledging it was so special for me....all of this work is about me Ive always known that, though sometimes I forget...being able to be in a place of complete mess complete despair and still loving it and loving me -- thats when I feel my heart. Thats how I know I can love someone else or another because I have this I know this...Its such an amazing journey inward....growing those wild things inside...those feral things that I have and am cultivating....my very own garden of wildflowers inside...When you go to a place youve never seen before never felt be it ugly or beautiful or dangerous or immaculate.....shit thats religious feeling, thats where I feel 'god' ....
Monday, June 11, 2007
Interesting
http://www.lilydaleassembly.com/
began as a community of women mediums....
check it out...
began as a community of women mediums....
check it out...
Necklace
As you all know, I lost my necklace a week or so ago, the triangular stone with the natural hole surrounded by druzie crystals, and then a natural square etched around the circle...a journey stone for sure. Symbolically it is water, earth and fire. It would be the hermetic seal if it had a circle on the outside...but it's really close! The circle, triangle and square are symbols for spirit, body and soul-the three elements necessary for alchemical transformation.
I don't wear much jewelry these days, and I'm pretty methodical when I take it off at night. It just was plain gone. I could see clearly up to a certain point. I remember taking it off and putting it in my mesa the night I worked until 5am, 2 weeks ago. I remembered taking it back out of the mesa in the morning. I didn't put it on, I was going to take a shower, so I had it in my hand.
I always hang my jewelry on this standing brass mirror by my sink in the bathroom. It's an ingrained habit. When I went to put it on, it was gone. I checked the whole counter, all around, in drawers, in the closet. The laundry room, pockets. I couldn't see beyond taking it out of my mesa. I really missed it! I checked beds, under beds, in drawers...I tracked, I called it back....didn't show itself. I went back in time and viewed it-I couldnt' get any more information. I was stumped.
I cleared off the mirror, and put the jewelry that was there, away. I left only one medicine pouch that has a sunflower on it, and a strand of beads on the other side for decoration. That was it. The rest was put away. No necklace. And dang it, that was a good silver chain too. I kept thinking daily on how I wanted that necklace back!
Then, the other day I wondered if I lost it at the fire. I remembered that something was burning my neck as I went in, and I couldn't tell if I took it off, or if I just thought it. I supposed if I put it in my pocket I could have lost it at the fire. That meant it was gone, and not just misplaced. I should drop it, but I was still calling it back. Maybe if I drove out there I would find it in the grass? But something or other would come up, and I didn't do it. I knew it was gone, and now I was just feeling stupid for losing it.
Yesterday as I was walking I heard "You've not given it up yet. The thing can't come back until you've released it."
Oh! Sure! Got it~this was true. I wanted it back, and my desire for it, was keeping it away.
All day yesterday I kept releasing the stone. I gladly sent it to the light, releasing my ownership of it knowing that it may well be meant for someone else. It took a bit of work. I laughed at how attached I was to it! But by the evening I was clear. I no longer thought of the necklace at all.
This morning when I went into the bathroom, hanging on the bathroom mirror...the necklace. Back where it should have been all along. I have it on now, thankful and humbled by that lesson. Let it go and it is yours.
Marinated Veggies Result
YUM - So I know it doesnt look amazing in the pic but the colors are beautiful and its delicious! MAke sure to spice it well though....I was thinking I woudve added apples if I had had any...
Ps. Im free of the house! Told them I couldnt get the loan today...just waiting to make sure its all kosher and im out 100%... thanks guys for all of the help...
Sunday, June 10, 2007
great day
im back on raw today....as i mentioned in the comments I made marinated vegetables....looks delicious and smells even better...will be ready to eat tomorrow...i made a huge salad and got out my book of my own raw recipes...all of a sudden i began writing like crazy! i invented all of these creations to try out! i cant wait....it is really nice to be in my own space again, even though the kitchen is the size of a closet. I set up my juicer and im ready to go tomorrow...
I meditated for the first time back in nY...that grounded me immediately, then listened to my kirtan cd and meditated some more...the huge change was I went to the market and listened again to what my body needed....it was the first time i really HEARD something regarding food....the past few weeks have been really strange....but its like my body pulled me back to center and said follow me...i began grabbing things off of the shelf for creations of food I had no idea about! Im excited again about food....RAW FOOD YEA! this has been the longest period ive been out of it and this week especailly ive been feeling like complete crap but knew it was coming to an end... Ive been reading about Ayurveda today and thinking about what my body needs to feel balanced in this way...I will keep you guys posted on what i find for me....
its amazing how once you get back to center you realize how long youve been off...wow.....its been a long time and a lot of work these past few weeks and now my body is guiding me and i am being quiet and following....
I meditated for the first time back in nY...that grounded me immediately, then listened to my kirtan cd and meditated some more...the huge change was I went to the market and listened again to what my body needed....it was the first time i really HEARD something regarding food....the past few weeks have been really strange....but its like my body pulled me back to center and said follow me...i began grabbing things off of the shelf for creations of food I had no idea about! Im excited again about food....RAW FOOD YEA! this has been the longest period ive been out of it and this week especailly ive been feeling like complete crap but knew it was coming to an end... Ive been reading about Ayurveda today and thinking about what my body needs to feel balanced in this way...I will keep you guys posted on what i find for me....
its amazing how once you get back to center you realize how long youve been off...wow.....its been a long time and a lot of work these past few weeks and now my body is guiding me and i am being quiet and following....
Feeling better
So after another crappy day yesterday i think Im coming out of it...I even washed my floor! Yea! Then i passed out on it....heehee...I think my body is still processing and clearing so much ---I need good naps...Im going to focusing on finishing up the renovation at my apt here in ny which can be done this summer.
AS for raw...last night I ate the absolute worst ive eaten in a while....I think I needed to go there to clear whatever it was that was looming. Im talking fried cheese fried calamari fettucini alfredo italian desserts. HOLY SHIT. anyway I think Im ready for my juice fast and I think that sealed the deal on whatever was hanging on...hopefully thats gone.....wow. intense. Ive had many gremlins around this week....crazy voices and vices and all.... its hard sometimes this life thing...i keep trying to keep it simple and then maybe i get bored and try to add things that make it more complicated than need be...NO MORE FRIED FOOD!!!!! jesus!
AS for raw...last night I ate the absolute worst ive eaten in a while....I think I needed to go there to clear whatever it was that was looming. Im talking fried cheese fried calamari fettucini alfredo italian desserts. HOLY SHIT. anyway I think Im ready for my juice fast and I think that sealed the deal on whatever was hanging on...hopefully thats gone.....wow. intense. Ive had many gremlins around this week....crazy voices and vices and all.... its hard sometimes this life thing...i keep trying to keep it simple and then maybe i get bored and try to add things that make it more complicated than need be...NO MORE FRIED FOOD!!!!! jesus!
Friday, June 8, 2007
Feeling a little defeated....
I know its no point to ask why, I know I need to trust....last night I got 'buyers remorse' among many things....however my guides have been back and forth ALWAYS. I have a really hard time trusting what I get for ME. Maybe this house thing has been a lesson about learning to trust my guides and feeling confident that what I get fo rme is real. I cant help feeling defeated though...why was all of this presented to me....logically i know whats meant to be will be whats in my highest and best will come forward but i feel kind of crappy right now. I dont know where Im supposed to be. I guess the answer is that Im supposed to be in NY for now. So why am I longing for SLC? Am I just early on it? I dont know.. Im going to put myself to bed. I feel so bad right now! I want to hide under the covers. Its been a very weird day weather wise and as I was sitting in my cab thinking, the skies opened up and everything came pouring out....is it just not the right time yet for me and SLC? Do I have things here I need to learn grow understand...? Im trying to do the right thing Im trying to be a good person and to be happy and I feel like Im just waffling.......Im sure it will be a bit better in the morning but right now I feel like shit. (and Im going to be out 6t00 bucks on this house...yes better than what I would be but WHYWHYWHY. Why present something thats not good for me. Im not attached to the house, it could be another....why isnt it all working? im stuck again and i dont like that feeling....but this time im telling mself to share to let go and trust..
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Slowing Down
Ive been thinking about this...I met with a friend yesterday, (my hellerworker friend Aimee- whos been such a wonderful support over the past few years), she reminded me of one of the sessions we did a while ago about walking. In NY I find myself racing at times walking so fast keeping in time with the pace or maybe running with it - during that session she said what if you slowed down kept with your own pace kept with your line head up and skyhook attached up - when I left her office that day I noticed how wonderful I felt its like the city was slow, my pace. When I would speed up I was trying to catch up and I felt stressed mentally and physically my alignment would shift my hip would hurt my feet would become tired quickly.
The past few days since Ive returned Ive felt that again, that racing feeling...I spent today focusing on slowing down connecting up when walking and it became more of this flow down the street, things quieted down, traffic slowed down and things came to me quietly and peacefully. My stride was even and balanced my body was open to receive.
I want to allow things to come to me and not race after them. When I race after something it seems to go farther and farther in the distance ahead and I am stuck always trying to catch up...When I practice this meditative walking I allow the world to come to me. I feel engaged and calm. Things here take on my needs, my flow, my time...
The past few days since Ive returned Ive felt that again, that racing feeling...I spent today focusing on slowing down connecting up when walking and it became more of this flow down the street, things quieted down, traffic slowed down and things came to me quietly and peacefully. My stride was even and balanced my body was open to receive.
I want to allow things to come to me and not race after them. When I race after something it seems to go farther and farther in the distance ahead and I am stuck always trying to catch up...When I practice this meditative walking I allow the world to come to me. I feel engaged and calm. Things here take on my needs, my flow, my time...
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Class Next week
I kept thinking that we would be meeting next week before I leave, but that is not to be it looks like, unless you are all coming with me.
We will meet Friday this week for dinner, unless we agree on Sat. at lava?
Otherwise I will see you all when I get back! The drumming was excellent tonight. let's do more of it.
"Listen to the Beasts"
So most of you know I am an old Southern Bible Thumper from way back. The journey has had many twists and turns since then - very twisted might be a good description. However no matter where the journey takes me, I have one hand on the Bible a part of who I am, I still find comfort there. So one might wonder how I can embrace this and that, Christianity and Shamanism although for me there was no contradiction in terms. It just felt right. You can imagine how I felt when a friend sent this.......
Job 12:7-9 "But now ask the beasts to teach you, and the birds of the air to tell you; Or the reptiles on earth to instruct you, and the fish of the sea to inform you. Which of all these does not know that the hand of God has done this? In God's hand is the soul of every living thing and the life breath of all our kind."
It seems more than ever, during this time of transition we must listen to the beasts. It seems to me they are the ones with the greatest clarity. This is suppose is not new news to you all but humor me, I'm excited.
Gratitude
I am feeling grateful for you all.
Grateful that I met you, grateful for what you have taught me, grateful for the times you spoke up and disagreed, grateful for the times you where silent while I struggled to find my way, grateful for the times you carried me when I couldn't find my way and grateful for the times you listened to me when I found a way.
Community is a true blessing. Thank you.
GEESE.pps ( this is a great reflection-enjoy)
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Creepy Crawlies
If you look very carefully you will see my little friend. Traveling due north by the way.
First I noticed the insects where so loud this spring. Not at all unusual for Ky but UTAH? Weird. Every time I have gone out I have noticed. Then Saturday every where I looked, nests of caterpillars and again on my trip to the Uintas. They were coming out of the nest and doing a dance, twitching back and forth in a jerky kind of little boogie, not certain what top tune they were listening to or why they chose to stay on the nest to "cut the rug." However, it was syncronistic, they moved in time with each other, again interesting? Then I notice Butterfly coming and I thought well, it's spring of course there are Butterflies everywhere. That is until a big bright yellow one took a dive at my third eye and pulled up just in time to keep his name from being added to the memorial with all the other kamikazes pilots. So I thought OK then you have my attention.
Still listening and putting it together. Joy the sites you sent were very helpful. Looks like the catapeller stage is about consciously changing thought. Perfect for me right now as I have released the past down to the last cell, now I have to find a new story and stay in the present while it is unfolding. Something better and higher. Creating new realities. Tenacity Patience Detachment says one site. Yes Yes as Jackie would say. Then Magick! I like that one and Transformation and of course JOY! However the best of all was "Stay consiously connected to Spirit at all times" . NAIL ON THE HEAD BABY! Thank you sacred crawlers, creepers and Kamikazes!!! Singers of the night.
Juice in NYC $$$
Ok so realizing that yes raw is expensive everywhere --- omar charges same as here - but damn juices here are 8 bucks!. Thats over 300 a month! Almost ****$$$$3600 a year! ****I think I'd forgotten that....I mean wild oats is $3.49! (but they do use fresh fruit juices here!! no bottled lemon or apple) So its back to juicing at home for me! I mean I'd rather spend 12,000 a year on green juice than big macs so theres no question that its worth it....but man there must be a better way!
(PS mom if you're reading this - arent you proud! Doing the math...heehee)
(PS mom if you're reading this - arent you proud! Doing the math...heehee)
Joe Rogan
This has some beautiful art by alex grey-and some interesting opinions by Joe Rogan.
Terrence McKenna
Terrence McKenna
"You cannot go further than than this. The Shaman has seen the beginning and the end. Bizarre dimensions of extraordinary power and beauty"
This has some beautiful art by alex grey-and some interesting opinions by Joe Rogan.
Terrence McKenna
Terrence McKenna
"You cannot go further than than this. The Shaman has seen the beginning and the end. Bizarre dimensions of extraordinary power and beauty"
3am
I have no idea why I am awake, why I have been awake, am still awake...
anyone else? I can't seem to settle. It's like I've forgotten how to sleep...
Monday, June 4, 2007
Sacred Moments
Joy I understand what you are saying. Yesterday I had a perspective shift. As usual, I am thinking we have to save the world. We have to protect the creatures of the planet and the planet, the four legged the two legged the whole "kit and caboodle". (Wonder where in the world that expression comes from????) Then suddenly I realized who's protecting who? Who is holding the energy and teaching us? They are coming from the Four Directions and shouting at us, wake up.... listen.... we are here the time is now.
Hiking yesterday with Jac and Ray in the Unita's was more magical that I will ever be able to write in this email. The whole experience sacred. Our hike up the mountain to see the Beaver Dams brought us into communion with all in our path. When we reached our distention, we could hear the Hawk crying loudly. Not just once but over and over. We searched for what seemed like long time before we saw him sitting in the top of dead branches way above us. We stood still and watched and were watched but he did not move. Then far in the distance we saw another circling over the mountain but very far away. I kept hoping they would fly closer but no. So we continued up to the other side of the Beaver ponds to sit under the pines while a light shower passed over us. After resting we walked to the pond, Ray pulled out tobacco to thank Spirit and the spirits of the four directions for our journey. The sun was now shinning. The meadow where we stood was lush and green and wet. Ray raised his hand to the sky holding the tobacco, the gift he brought, suddenly the Hawk was directly over him, hovering and low as if suspended in air. Ray's eyes were closed so he did not see the Hawk at first. He continued his prayer in the Lakota Language and the Hawk began to circle higher and higher as if carrying our prayers on the wind to the sun.
I wished for you all . I all but did a dance. I was taking pictures as fast I could. I was trying to soak in every second and could not believe I was there and this was happening. It felt so profoundly sacred and ancient and new. We are all one. One with the All in All. We are cradled by the messengers of the animal kingdom in this change of energy coming in now. I still believe we have our part in holding this scared transition but we are by no means alone.
Before we left the Beaver Village we looked up and now saw three hawks gliding on the four winds far above us. Three of us on the mountain, three hawks, I didn't take off my shoes but I should have, we truly stood on holy ground.
until next time....
just wanted to say see you all soon and thank you for this time....it has been so special once again....i cant imagine my life now without knowing all of you...you have changed me...(somehow i feel like ive said this before?) i can say it a million times and it wouldnt seem enough! love to all of you!
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Great movie lines
"It's never too late to become what you might have been..."
and
"Sometimes you have to give up what you can't live without."
Wow-feels like "The Notebook". These are from "Away From Her" ... out now in theaters...promises to be a several kleenex movie. Think I'll go on my own to this one.
and
"Sometimes you have to give up what you can't live without."
Wow-feels like "The Notebook". These are from "Away From Her" ... out now in theaters...promises to be a several kleenex movie. Think I'll go on my own to this one.
Shamanic Moments
You've all heard me say that we walk this path every day, not only when we go into nature. We are Urban Shamans-or in our case, Suburban Shaman. I once walked into a group to help with transmissions of power, and they called me Suburban Shaman-I smiled because the name fits.
But a shamanic engagement with the world means calling it to YOU. It means being aware of the world around you, asking and receiving answers, and most of all recognzing that you are being communicated with constantly.
At the fire we saw fox, coyote, hawk, elk, deer, horse...
what were they saying to each of us? It's not the same message, and not all of us saw everything.
Yesterday driving home from CA's art show Kathy and I saw peacock, rabbit, turkey, swan, heron, duck...
These are the quick pictures we snapped.At Starbucks earlier in the same day, Lauren and I looked out the window to see a tiny tail thumping chipmunk under the cars...
it's all around us! We are in nature and in the urban world. We walk between the worlds. We see things others miss, and these are moments just for us, with a message only we can interpret.
Like when I was in Walmart and saw the butterfly on the can of cashews-who would think it?
Like when Bo was walking downtown and saw the pigeon being disemboweled by the hawk...
Like Jac catching those perfect moments with the Orioles
Like when CarolLee walked into her garage and saw the Eagle sitting on the handlebars of her bike...
Like Bo, seeing the perfect snakeskin that had just been shed right before we went to fire...
Like Cara seeing the tiny half dead baby mouse under a leaf so that it could live in her hand's warmth moments before it died...knowing that it wasn't alone
Like me seeing a pair of dragon fly wings illuminated in a shaft of momentary sunlight in the middle of the park, as if saying "here"...tiny and so easy to have missed
Like Lina asking her dead son for a sign and then looking down to find a four leaf clover...which was the thing he always hunted for as a child, and she had never found before...
Like my walking out into a parking lot and finding a pair of white birds wings on the asphalt, laying next to my car...
This is the shamanic walk in the world...the everyday engagement with energy. Thank you, all of you, for allowing me the great pleasure of dancing with you for awhile, for having danced this amazing dance! And now I'm off for a walk with my camera, my dog, and my eyes and heart wide open. Hi-yi-ya!
The Shamans
Shaman Joy!
Shaman Pam
Shaman Bo
Shaman Lauren
Shaman Jac
Shaman Kathy
Shaman Catherine Anne
Most of these were at the full moon fire-Pam was blue mooning the new addition into the world...baby shamanette Blue Moon!
Shaman PamShaman Bo
Shaman Lauren
Shaman Jac
Shaman Kathy
Shaman Catherine Anne
Most of these were at the full moon fire-Pam was blue mooning the new addition into the world...baby shamanette Blue Moon!
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