Looking out at the garden after connecting with you all on the blog this morning. It is beautiful and one would think I was in Ky looking at this picture of green, my little piece of nature.The Save the Earth people are going to hold a protest outside my home if I don't quit watering. Well hell I recycle!:) I know I know I need to Xero scape but I'm not there yet. Miles to go before I sleep.
I am avoiding the reason I write. Had a terribly disturbing dream yesterday. I was on the way to my Father's funeral. There was no feeling until I got there and walked into the room. It was full of people all seated. In the front of the room was the coffin with my Dad in it, (as our morbid custom dictates). I stood at the door and on my left was Mom and Dad. My Dad was really struggling. (Yes right he is in two places seated beside me with my mother who is "on the other side" on the other side of him and he is in the coffin). When I looked again at the coffin, I can see his arms jerk and then his legs. As if he is in the throws of death, trying to die or trying to live it isn't clear. What is clear is he is not dead yet and he's laying up there in a coffin. We leave the funeral home and Poppa is in an RV, he is driving away, like he used to drive when he would get mad leaving us standing there waiting to see if he was going to come back - he always would. Momma is ready to party and is so disgusted that he is not in the swing with her. I said 'MOM he's upset, Jesus he's trying to die here'. SHe was not buying any of the drama just ready to Rock and Roll.
The dream left me with terrible feelings. I was so sad all day yesterday and teary. This is really hard, much harder than I thought it would be. Talk about feeling alone. Jesus, my poor Dad. I am so very connected to him. It feels like I am going through this with him. I hope he feels me there. In talking about the dream now I understand it very clearly. Poppa is sitting between life and death. Mom on one side (dead Well in one sense she is more alive than me) and myself on the other (alive). I think I could say accurately we are the two beings he is most connected to, at least in this life time. His body is so shot now and I don't see even the slightest bit of joy or peace in his life. There is such sadness and yet he seems caught.
This morning as I woke before any of the chatter began when I touch the silence Joy's quote spoke of and immediately I see a White Horse posed as if running with wild maine flying and the horse is beautiful and strong. An incredible vision. It was odd because the horse was not moving but as if someone froze the horse while he was running.
I needed to work with this dream and have someone on the other side listening. Thanks
6 comments:
Bo,
I hear you. I had a few dreams like that before my dad had his accident...so incredibly hard. but we keep on going...i know theres really nothing more i can say about it...just letting you know im here and i hear you and you are not alone....XO.
also what an amazing picture!
I was wondering about you all day yesterday. Now I know why. This is such a powerful dream. When I connected with him from the healing blog I also felt his aloneness. This must be in your DNA. Could we go back through your ancestors and pull the thread from the first person who brough this in? This feels older than even your Dad.
My feeling is, this time, right now, is when we all are working on our biggest fears and challenges.
Oh, sweety, I know what you are going through. My Dad just couldn't let go, even though his heart was shot. My question is are you hanging on so that he hasn't made the transition. Is he still staying for you. I agree with CA, clear the thread. You are being shown the beauty that awaits him but its all in freeze frame until things let go. Just like I told my Dad, its just like walking through a door. You are surrounded by so many that have already experienced the passing of the father. Don't be sad, its such a blessing, what are your fears with death. Sometimes I feel closer to my Dad now than I did before he passed. When I saw my Mom on the other side she was so happy.
i feel closer in many ways to my dad now too...i do feel like our love is something that has grown So much since his passing...and now its at this beautiful unconditional love place all of the things we couldnt say have been said in this time and hes with me all the time...
Our father's daughters aren't we?
What does it say about us?
We recognize what they are showing us-how tightly we hold to the fear of living...as it expresses itself in how tightly we are wrapped around the fear of letting go, and the fear of dying.
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