CA wrote "depression is anger we don't want to feel. I commented that with the liver, first we find apathy, then anger.
Apathy is a nice nice word for depression, in my opinion. "I don't care" "it doesn't matter" "do what you want" are all depressive statements-filled with the belief that you are unable to change anything anyway. "I don't give a shit, do what you want." But tap that, and you get anger. To keep us from getting angry-we get depressed. Right on CA. You have got it.
Hmmmm.
I woke up this morning at around 5am thinking "so what am I so angry about?" It was my first thought. So I must have been working on anger issues in my "sleep".
I realized that just as we've been talking about, the pervasive map is that we, as women, are responsible for the way everyone else feels. Add to that, that we only get to feel complete and happy if we have happy kids and a happy husband. She is supposed to fill everyone else up, AND THEN she is happy when she looks at all their smiling faces around the table. We've talked about this in class, and in the last theta class we discussed that too. (I'm glad I don't have 8 kids-the pressure alone would do me in!)
But what if they aren't smiling? Are we a failure? And, what if we are happy? Are we allowed to be happy, even if they aren't?
This morning, in the wee dark hours, I went "ok, so obviously I am angry. What am I angry about?" Oh wow, this took me to a whole new place! Remember, ask a new question, get new information.
I realized that I have been waiting for T to "get happy", for himself but also... so I could be! I can't be happy UNTIL he his, and damn it, he refuses to be happy! He will absolutely NOT let things change. According to the map we uncovered in advanced last week, we can only be happy AFTER they are, because we are responsible for the feelings of everyone else. Just like CA doing her own room last-and the screws letting go...we put ourselves last on the list. Just like Pam taking care of them so THEN she can go back to herself...we all have this. It's in the archetypical maps. Deep unconscious. No matter what our conscious self would like-we operate out of our unconscious.
If he is not a happy man, that means, I can't be happy. So every time I start to feel successful, complete, happy, it comes with the price tag of guilt and then anger...or depression...and food in the past.
It makes so much sense at the unconsious level-which feels suspiciously close to self sabatoge.
4 comments:
It is frustrating at times to see these men that we are in relationship with not be happy and isn't it marvelous that this reflection that they are mirror leads us to once again where is it that we are still not happy and how can we release each other so that we can both have the happiness we want. In so many ways I have done this with Terry. I am not the authority of his happiness only mine.
Even though I may nash my teeth I truly do love all the things that are coming to the surface in all there perfect timing for us to release and forgive so our relationships can change, because we changed.
And it does work that when we accept our own culpability, they shift. He woke up sunny, optimistic, and left after giving me a kiss.
I sat up late watching a sill romance movie that wasn't really good enough for a tv movie-and wasted really good talented people...The Holiday. Oh boo. Camern Diaz overacted her part of LA successful ballbusting woman-she was wrong for the part, and Jude Law and Kate Winslow were so wasted. Both walked through it. Jack Black I like the best but his part was by far the smallest. Too bad. He was the most believeable.
Who would believe that a man would not fall for Kate Winslow??? And Jude Law as a grieving widower with 2 little girls? Um...the scene where he is supposed to be heartbroken and crying in the kitchen...um...
maybe it was my mood...but I would give the movie a miss. Glad I waited until it was on DVD.
that was a "SILLY" movie-and I have NO idea why I am rambling on about the movie...
I would say because to see a movie that made you feel like it wasn't real with the relationships and made you feel they were acting a part instead of really being involved would make sense why it didn't ring bells for you.
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