INDIAN PRINCESS

My mother never let me play outside at night. We ate dinner at 5:30pm every night, then it was bed by 7pm. I don't know what the hurry was? But that damn Dr. Spock-I swear he spoiled a whole generation of parents and children from being bliss filled. How can you spoil a child by loving them, touching them, responding to them too much???

Anyway-my best friend's mother was an alcoholic. She was big and mean, and add to that, drunk every night. She smoked and always smelled like whiskey. She scared me because she oozed anger. But! I never told my parents because they wouldn't have let me stay there. And when I did, we would play outside late into the night because her mother was locked in her room with a bottle, which meant freedom. We would wait until we heard her heavy feet go down the hall and her bedroom door close. That would be it for the night for her.

I have this memory of one special night that I always called my "Indian Princess" night. I felt so free, and so energized! I used to think our parents were at some sort of meeting in the clubhouse above the park. I think that was my mind trying to make the pieces fit. I had decided it must have been a cub scout meeting because I remember asking my mother if I could go out to the park and she was preoccupied listening to someone talk, and said yes which thrilled me! Looking back, I dont' know if there was a meeting? Marilyn doesn't remember one.

You know it could have been that Marilyn and I were just being free one night, but she lived quite a ways from the park. Really far for two little 10 year olds to go in the middle of the night. Her front yard was the usual place we played at night, or sometimes in the gardens across the street. I don't know why we were at the park, but we were. That's the part I am sure of. We were out late, in the dark, and we were free.

I remember that night so clear because of the feeling of being free and wild, and feral, running up and down these narrow deer trails in the hills above the park. Narrow little trails cut by sharp deer hoofs. It was a full moon, and I was amazed that I could see! Here it was night, and the light was amazing, and my feet seemed to fly up and down the trails and I was tireless. I loved it! I would see if I could run without making a sound, just like an Indian princess. I imagined I had moccasins on my feet. Silent. And I could hear wind and the leaves. I was one with everything around me.

Up ahead there was a boy in overalls. He was smaller than us, and he was moving away. I was calling out to him, "Hey little boy, do you want to play Indians with us?" He would stop and look back over his shoulder at me with big big eyes, and then keep walking. A sort of funny short legged waddle. I can still see him. I was calling to him "Little boy...wait..." but he kept moving further away. I thought he was just scared. I wanted him to play with us.

Behind me, Marilyn was yelling, kinda shrill and high pitched, scared like, for me to come back, but I was sneaking through the woods, moving branches back outta my face, and curious why he didn't want to play because we were having alot of fun. I was Pocahantas, and he was a lost white boy that didn't know the woods like me. I was gonna rescue him.

I watched him suddenly turn to the right and step off. That didn't make any sense at all because the hillside was on the left, and that means he stepped off into thin air. There isn't anything on the right except down. I am worried now because maybe he has fallen? I can imagine him tumbling down the hill in his bluejean overalls, and I start to run faster, getting lower because that's what they do in the movies. Run low.

I get to the place where he disappeared and I turn to the right and there is a something hanging there in the air, all silver. It can't be anything really. That doesn't make any sense. I can hear Marilyn's voice way off behind me, still high pitched. I turn and she is standing in the middle of the trail, and she's in a panic. I tell her not to be so silly but I'm not sure I say it outloud. "I'll be right back" I say, and again I'm not sure it comes out. I feel strange, and it kinda makes me nervous, but I'm not scared.

Usually Marilyn is the brave one. She can swing all the way around on the monkey bars and she fights her biggest brother and wins. She can climb to the top of the jungle gym. I can't climb to the top and slide down, even though I want to.

But tonight, I'm an Indian Princess. I start to step out towards that silver thing, still thinking about that little boy, sure he's lost, and it feels like there is something beneath my feet. Solid like, but I don't look down. I am moving towards the opening. It looks like an elevator in front of me. It's cool. No. It's cold! I can feel the air, and I can see my breath coming out even though it is summer....