Paying attention

For a few weeks now Ive ben saying I feel something major coming up...my dreams have been bizarre, different themes, people, places. I forgot that I had asked to get many teaching in my dreams so I didnt have to 'act' them out and spin out in real world. I could get the lesson and clear it. Before I went to bed last night I put it all together.

Theres been this mysterious image, a memory from childhood thats been floating around. Something so clear of me at 2 in my parent office in a hallway with a man I knew leaning down and a crowd of employees around me. Last night before I closed my eyes (with the help of yesterdays 'spinning out') I saw it all... I made the connection between what these strange dreams were showing me, and these signs all around me that I couldnt quite connect yet. Even re-reading my posts yesterday...it was ALL there hitting me between the eyes!

That one mysterious image had locked in one of the most deep rooted and major patterns in my life - I was standing there 2 yrs old I opened my mouth to finally say something after they had been begging (the 'expectation') saying 'come on precious say something' (ooooh did I shudder when I heard that as clear as a bell last night) and then everyone laughed. Like a performing clown, the bosses 'perfect daughter' and expectation...

There are NO coincidences. I have been watching this reflected in my 2 yr old niece - who could be a mirror of me at 2. Ive been watching everything with her almost obsessed watching her edit her behavior modify it for others to improve the reaction...I see it all in her face and I still didnt catch it until I felt that feeling yesterday with the blog and then like magic it all clicked. So I wanted to share.

That moment at 2yrs old locked in a very deep pattern:

Embarrasment
Rejection
Shame
Abandonment

and my reaction which was: (all D's)

Disguise
Distract/Deflect
Disassociate
Disconnect

Amazing...I knew something was there but its timing I guess...