The good girl thing....YES and YES. Was just talking to a friend about this last night we both said that because we had a very difficult parent we learned to notice everything around us almost like a perfect scientist testing, knowing, being ready for what we were going to face with them once we opened the door...if we heard laughs or heard a tv or smelled something specific or felt something or saw a line in a face move a certain way....we knew what was coming....we had to so that we werent suprised caught off guard....but we became masters at this...doing it with every friend teacher lover spouse etc...we would modify our behavior accordingly perfectly each time. If this then this....if he smiles this means its ok to then do this - if she turns around quickly it means shes angry with me -- if his mouth moves that way im disappointing him....amazing....we said last night imagine a world where we didnt modify our behavior we werent/didnt have to be so self conscious and controlled.....wow....that would be free...
Its funny no one taught me this (well questionable lets just say...to my knowledge...) its just something i did from an early age...maybe a coping mechanism to be loved to feel safe to feel included not be abandoned...very young... so of course when i was 18 i freaked out at my parents and said 'I have no idea who in the hell i am?? A perfect actress a chameleon' Ive been playing roles all of my life to keep things going smoothly to be the peacemaker...! No wonder we get sick and hide or even hibernate like the woman in costa rica....it is boundaries and also something else...its this internal monitor or dial that has been set to 'self-monitor self-control self-regulation for others' WHAT AN ILLUSION/DELUSION! It is all in my head huh...I get that loud and clear...
time to smack the shit out of that dial!!! i keep seeing myself hitting it over and over with a baseball bat....hmmm yep that hit a nerve....hahaha.....
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and it's no wonder that we become resentful. Just think of doing it socially, party after party, guest and host, after guest and host.
In the end, self is totally lost, and we have to retreat to hibernate. She thanks winter because it allows her to retreat WITHOUT having to ever say no to anyone and risking making someone angry.
Fear of the anger of others...fear of the negative reaction of others...an old childhood fear
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