Reflections...

Ive been thinking a lot about this. When I was in Costa Rica I was set off by a woman whose house i was eating at for dinner. She said although she loved the summer there she couldnt wait for the winter the rainy season because then she could just be alone and quiet. She was explaining that the problem was that everyone always asks her to cook and do all of these things and in the summer there are parties every few days....she looked exhausted and bitter. She also had mentioned that she was a vegetarian for 30 years but that when she got there she realized she couldnt because of all of these 'events' it would be wrong to say no then she would be rude. I woke up the next morning feeling incredibly angry...this woman had touched a nerve so deep.... she was giving up herself for others...BUT only for the illusion of what others thought or believed...I find myself in this situation a lot --- much less now than ever before but still a few twinkles of it here or there...i dont want to make someone feel bad, or be the only one not having a drink, or eating bread etc etc. But doing those things makes me feel terrible and I cant hold myself and I spiral.....

In watching this woman I saw myself...I saw the old me the tired CFS me that just couldnt saw no that went spiralling out of control with food drink everything all because of my delusions about 'other' people. I felt like saying to this woman how could you give up everything you want that makes you feel good that feeds you? No ones asking you to? She makes these amazing cakes attends these wonderful things with a mix of love and resentment but dreams of just being alone...of having it all stop...

This has been a long running theme and it keeps spiking for me ... this morning I remembered this and realized Im obviously not clear on it yet.....this all or nothing mentality the 'well fine im just going to say screw it all and drink until i drown or eat until im stuffed even though it wont satisfy me one bit....!' SO dumb. wow. for such a smart girl I can be very stupid. Thats how i feel this morning. Angry that I still havent gotten this. I know what makes me feel good. I know my center. I just need to be able to hold it all the time. And each day I get better at it, but there a few hairy days when I get triggered and stumble back a bit....the good news is nows the day to take my few steps forward....a be a little more kind to myself on this all....it is a learning process and I have made SO much progress from where I was last year and in a very short time...shit i really have....thats good to remember....anyway...

off to work on it!