renovations to begin!

so after months of back and forths, hidden agendas, lies, mis-communications, stress, cursing, the agent getting fired, new agent on board...it will all finally begin on monday. this has been the strangest series of months for me, really since this began late october/november.

i will not go into what the past few weeks has been like but i learned something very important from all of this. no matter what or how other people do how they behave what they contribute what they choose to show what the choose to hide how they choose to live their lives, i know who i am and my values and what i expect from myself.

even though they hadnt asked me for much in the beginning, even though they kept changing the rules, changing requirements, if I had just submitted a package that was 100% we would not have had to have gone through all of this i believe. i found myself getting so angry at myself the other day realizing that instead of rising in a moment i sunk lower to their extremely low standards...and sinking to my old pattern of 'just enough to get by'.

you get out what you put in.

i had put in very little and i have put in very little in many situations over the years and because i have some talents because certain things have come easy, I have accepted mediocrity from myself. and this is the piece i leave behind with all of this. i always want to feel that I am putting forth my best all that I can. the resentment, the anger, the guilt, the shame, has always come from me feeling like I have missed opportunities that i have settled due to complacency.

looking back i have been complacent in my life with my life for so long. i have called all of these laurens to hold hands and ive thanked them and im now sending them home with gratitude for this huge lesson. yes highlights of me working my ass off especially this past year or past few years really since my big change 3 years ago - so this is mostly old stuff ready to shed, but I know I dont want to be complacent with life and my work. It makes my insides feel bad to give bare minimum expecting something to work or expecting it to just happen or be given to me. i know things are given and things come easy in many ways - and I have been blessed with a lot of easy - unfortunately it has allowed me to be complacent...but this has really hit me hard and shook something deep inside.

i know what i want to contribute, i know i want to feel like ive done all that i can and not taken the 'easy' 'lazy' way out. it takes only a few more minutes to do the job right - to 'measure twice cut once'. i felt so much better when i resent the renovation package again a few days ago the right way even though they hadnt asked me to do it exactly as i had - it took me an hour thats all, and i feel great knowing that it was clear neat that i had put everything into it that i could. its not harder in fact its easier and so much more rewarding. and in fact doing it the lazy way the easy way out takes SO much more time, so much more effort causes so much more pain and stress so much more back and forth so much more heartache and suffering and bad feelings as i have just learned yet again - before i would always say ok so what the fastest easiest way to get this done over with whats the least i need to do to get it done...saying it this way feels a lot better: whats the most efficient complete and satisfying way to accomplish what i need/want to do. ill let you know how this works!

guys i think i finally get this one....

you get out what you put in.