particularly hard (me vs me) winter?

As spring/summer is here now (and in this early morning reflection) im really feeling like this was a really intense winter. I feel like Ive been deep in some things some intense struggle with growing since at least November. I was also sick a lot which had me frustrated and angry. In thinking about this winter and what was so difficult Id have to say for me it felt like I was fighting myself a lot. I was making it really hard and in it going 'shit please stop making this so hard on yourself!' 'this is your fault' 'you have to change this' 'you know better' 'youre not going to get this' etc etc. All of the old voices the punishing ones were up. A friend asked has it always been like this for you? and I had a hard time with that question - has it?

Maybe winter has felt similar in the past - hibernating storing growing but a lot of it the hard way - i keep coming back to that feeling of growing pains really. Im future pacing next winter to be one where i really surrender into it and take advantage of all that those feelings have to offer without the voices behind me and me fighting me. It feels like Ive been fighting so hard with a lot of these pieces and I would really like to make an adjustment on that so starting now I am kinder to myself and have a more supportive and positive environment to grow and explore in. I have been that mean best friend to myself - ick - no wonder growing up I had those really nasty incredibly hurtful judgemental bossy best girl friends - duh they were just a reflection of the self punishing overly scrutinizing harsh me.

Ive been thinking recently about a real surrender into things instead of the 'ok how can i change this' or 'ok lets make this go away now' first feeling. Im noticing as Ive been acknowledging whatever it is im more able to work with it instead of this back and forth struggle. Its the slightest shift, something that i knew but I guess wasnt really practicing. I did do a lot of growing though looking back now. Ive done some pretty big things and worked on some huge pieces. Ive also created a lot of things - some that came very easy and some that were so incredibly difficult to birth. But maybe its life, and instead of fighting me so hard and trying to change all of it or getting pissed at it really saying huh this is life how wonderful. Some things are a little hard sometimes and some are easy both are ok. i know seems so obvious but theres been a part of me that was not conscious and still holding onto the fight and the struggle and the 'oh were going to show you difficult!'

Its not that fun to have the angry mean me breathing down my neck! (she can be a real bitch!) Anyway Im so excited about it being warm its been so needed to help shift a lot of things that have been stagnant. I feel a much nicer to ME me thats come out of this winter. Ive been talking to that mean version of 'me' and making some peace with her asking her what it was in fact she wanted and why she was hanging around and being such a tyrant. After much talk and negotiation it feels like old mean lauren has lovingly let go of the strangle hold and is willing to transform.