so ive been working away non-stop on my apartment my muscles are killing me from dragging stuff up and down the stairs...
ive been thinking a lot about many things...i guess the sorting and cleaning have been bringing things up...i found a box of my dads letters to me and pictures the other day and i just lost it...like really lost it deep heaving sobs snot everywhere loud screams wailing...im suprised my neighbors didnt barge in to see what was happening...anyway it felt really good, but it was so intense. its amazing how one incident changes you your life the way you think feel eat breathe sleep...his death changed everything for me and ive been on this 2 + yr journey now and im not sure where im going or whats going on really...i just know that i cant go back to the way i was or the way things were...i feel like ive been on a holding pattern for these past years sort of quietly growing and redefining and learning what it means to be this new person...i can see clearly all of these options in front of me but i still see the old ones, the ones that i used to love the ones that meant everything to me but they are different in a way....each time i try to pick up something from then its no good, it just seems like something that belongs to that time, old me...its a little bit of a battle in my heart...there are things i loved deeply pre-dads-death...i just feel so different i am so different noe...i dont know...
i know this is all just mind chatter and things are ok, im fine im healthy my family is ok i have people and friends that are amazing and love me and i know how to be happy and feel good - i think i just dont exactly know whats next i feel like i have a huge blocker in front of me - and i know its almost gone and im about to break through - so im just trying to go still and let it go...
last night i thought how can i leave my apartment? i love it here - i spent the evening on the roof with some wine and looking over at the other people on their roofs - it was grey and about to rain and morning doves were cooing right beside me - and the inside of my apartment is gorgeous ive fixed it up wonderfully --- i think this is my quandry
either
1) put more money into apt. to fix it the way i want it and finish the renovation. really commit
2) get out before putting more money into it. find something new.
this is sort of a theme ive got going on...
i can see it both ways and both ways feel ok....im sure the answer will just appear and until then i am working away on designs for the farm....another option has been just to go to costa rica and dive in there....which i can do to and i can also see working wonderfully....
so here i am just sorting and sorting and allowing it all to come up....going to dinner tonight with an old friend from my raw culinary experience and i think i will get some new answers tonight in fact i feel it....
4 comments:
Isn't it cool that you feel like either decision is going to be okay. Old pattern may be if you had to choose one would be impending doom. It just reminds me once of again of the quote. It is a constant process. We I think will always have something that we may need to let go of to bring in the new....living life in the light..
the swinging trapeze act...one hand lets go to grab the new thing coming in...and so we move on...
course you can see the dilemma if we don't let go of the old trapeze when the new comes...there we hang...
having hung around awhile myself, I can honestly say only you will know what's right in the moment.
I think as we busied ourselves with getting born that first time, we all had last minute doubts-"how can I leave this place, it's been so warm, and nurturing, so supportive...I don't know what is out there..."
Don't you think that the way we came in is the way we transition through every major event? I do. I've said it before...it's our life issue...transcending our own birthing process...
eventually we all move on in the right time-unless there is a doctor who is in a hurry for a golf game...hah!
Yes - JUST SAY NO to forceps!
I love the trapez image, perfect.
I can see the flip side in a cartoon, of letting go too soon and watching the little character look into the camera and say Whoops....as they quickly fall out of the frame .
It's all in the timing isn't it.
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