Ok girls, this is why I wanted to start a bit earlier, so I can give you a preview and be of assistance as things come up for you.
I'm in day 7 now of mostly raw. I woke up feeling a bit rough today, and not sure why. My muscles were achy, and my head hurt. I figured I'm detoxing so I took more Ala and a footbath and lemon water, and it cleared. I had a really-dry-skin day yesterday, not enough lipids and omegas, added more UDOS and today my skin feels much better. And! The last few days I have been feeling more "bliss". The looking out at the trees moving with the breeze and feeling that movement in my body sort of stuff. You know? Connected to everything. Very cool feelings. Very shamanic, and a place I love.
My emotions are much more present today. When did we (meaning my family) become so afraid of our emotions, or more to the point, MY emotions? I know that I never try and cry in front of my family, but today I get why! I didn't realize how much it upsets them all! Or maybe I did?
I kept saying "it's not a bad thing I'm crying, I'm fine." When I started to cry all three of my "boys" were in this panic. I kept saying "it's not a bad thing to feel our emotions" but they ALL were so upset! Do men think they have to fix it or something? I just wanted to finish sayiing my piece and he wanted me to stop and I couldn't. Don't they understand that if I had just been allowed to FINISH what I was saying I would have been fine but that having to shut it down was whatw as upsetting? It seemed so obvious to me.
I found myself saying "give me ten minutes" as I walked in the other room to really TRY and put it away, and then realized that I have always put my feelings away to make them feel better and not stir things up. Keep the topics banal and light, and today I felt passionately engaged in a topic and when suddenly I was supposed to stop, I was furious! How many times have you been told to shut up in the middle of something?
What were we talking about? Global Warming for Christ's Sake! It wasn't anything personal! But I was taking a position, stating a strong opinion, and suddenly when we had been all engaged, and into exciting conversation, I was told to stop!
It was fascinating in retrospect because it showed the family pattern of "nice nice" banter being more acceptable. When the boys and I started to get into a great debate about global responsibility and alternative fuels and then into health, I got excited! And that triggered the "STOP IT" energy from T. And you know, he was telling us ALL to stop, but looking at ME, as the adult to lead the way.
And I couldn't! It bottled up in my throat and then I started to cry~and I thought "oh wow, I'm so much more clear! I used to be able to smile and say 'sure' and I can't anymore!" I tried to leave and go to the bedroom to "put it away" and I couldn't do that either because they all followed me to find out what was wrong! Like a bunch of little waddling ducklings following the mama duck. Go away and I will be "fine." Remember what FINE is an acronym for? "F-ed up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional!" "I'm FINE"
"Why do you have to get so upset?"
"Why can't you just stop this?"
"What happened, why are you so sensitive?" and
"You always do this. See! You get yourself all upset over nothing".
I'm laughing too then, because I GET IT! I can see the grand scheme of communication in our little family! Make nice nice. I was trying to put my hurt feelings away so that I could pretend and have a nice day! The laughing made me realize that I had to SAY IT!
So! Instead of putting it away, I went out, said what I had to say, felt better, and told them all that I just needed to SAY it! That we feel better getting it out, and they should all learn that NOW. As soon as I said what I wanted to, which was DON'T TRY AND SHUT ME UP in the middle of a conversation, and expect me to just stuff it down and why was it wrong to discuss something with passion, and debate it, and that I LOVED hearing both my sons TALKING about a subject for a change instead of the nonsense conversations we tended to have on neutral subjects...I DID feel better!
And wow, no one died, no one was hurt, I didn't retreat to food as a balm, and I wasn't hurt either! Very cool!
ENJOY! YouR turns are coming! :)
3 comments:
Joy, I can't speak for you or to what you're going through exactly; I can only relate to it from my own experiences, and it seems to me that I recognize those emotions.
Just my opinion on the subject, but I think when we go through a detox experience the thing we are detoxing off of, the thing that was numbing us before, leaves us suddenly experiencing feelings again. It's like, geez, the only thing I can compare it to, is going off the Lortabs I had been taking for my broken ankle. I literally cried for 24 hours straight, it was terrifying. And I've experienced something like that going off sugar and various other diet I've gone on, not to that degree, but it's like that. I always feel SO much better on the other side, I'm always so grateful I did the detox, but it's sure is hard to face a detox right in the face getting started and be excited about it.
Anyway... what a glorious thing it is once you're on the other side of the detox. To feel again! To feel the swaying trees in our bodies. What a glorious thing it is to be fully alive again. Fully in charge of our choices and feelings.
I thank you so much for sharing your experience here because when I go through it, I won't be as traumatized. I'll be able to read your post, and say to myself, it's okay, this is normal.
That's my hope! :)
My family gave me two great raw food cookbooks which I have been avidly devouring today-and we did a primarily vege Christmas dinner! Can't wait to hear what Jac did too.
Well. Almost. T still had to have the meat so he marinated steaks for the "men" but they all ate the vege dishes with me. And they munched and chomped and dipped like old hats at it!
But I will tell you all-I feel like I was in the kitchen all day! Every counter was covered with bowls marinating, piles of chopping, my food processor humming away. T said "hmmm. Looks like a lot of work". But! He ate it all and loved it. I will say, we had about 50% raw and 50% cooked veges though. But a far cry from traditional Chrismas dinner!
My hope is that it will become routine, that it won't feel like you're in the kitchen all day. Because it's not going to work for me very well, if every last spare minute is spent in the kitchen. But Lauren said something the other night, she said you get a system going, there is always something in the dehydrator, you always have nuts soaking, whatever it takes. Then it won't seem like all you're doing is chopping veggies. There is an time investment in the beginning when you're learning the ropes, but then it just becomes how you live. Also, here is something else to remember and look forward to: when your body is free of toxins and you're getting the nutrients you need, you won't need as much food, you'll eat a lot less, therefore, you'll spend a lot less time in the kitchen. That is a huge selling factor for me.
I LOVE the idea of not having my life revolve around food. I'm tired of thinking about food, I'm tired of eating all the time, I'm tired of worrying about getting low blood sugar, I'm tired of getting hungry all the time, I'm tired of having cravings for food that I know isn't good for me. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of eating a very clean bowl of oatmeal, but then feeling sleepy afterward. I'm sick of it. Bleh!
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