Ive been thinking about this for a while written about it challenged it and fought it within me - what this means to be a woman...Its not that I dont want to be a mother or a wife I just want to be able to be a woman first without needing to be defined through the union with another - for me menstruation wasnt a big deal, losing my virginity was even less of a big deal... Even my bat-mitzvah, what was supposed to be my becoming a woman ceremony was quite uneventful...
I knew the girl was gone when my father died....That was a day that forever changed me....I knew I had to become my own woman.... There were many times before when I was young that the girl I was was killed or taken or abandoned....I lost her a very very long time ago, too young to even remember...When he died she died, .then a year later she was given a chance to be reborn a new.... I hadnt been able to retrieve her I couldnt get her and grow her up because she had been splintered and fractured in so many pieces-- I do know the gift from my father was this chance to find her to be reborn, to be a girl again, to regain that innocence that I had lost...to believe in magic again...to become a woman purely...my own woman....Its like a was given a bag of pieces of me to take on this journey to explore to heal to love to shed to transform....
For so many women why is it only when innocence is lost that we find ourselves in this new space without choice, womanhood....? Its no wonder we struggle with marriage and children with who we are what we are. This is what this time has been about for me, becoming my own woman finding myself ritualizing this time for myself...allowing myself to do what i need, my own ceremony...Im not really sure when or how my innocence was lost...I find myself surrounded by women that were victims of sexual abuse, and I dont think thats what happened with me, but whatever 'it' was or the rituals of 'it' were that occured with me isnt really important to know at this time... it was a boundary violation and it may not have been sexual at all....
I feel more of an innocent child than ever before and also more of a real woman than ever before...so now I just let go surrender and allow myself to be....
The bonding that we do is essential - being involved with you women feeds me nourishes me so much and I am so grateful for you all....
I found this article - interesting website thought you guys might enjoy it....
susanweed.com
3 comments:
I'm so glad you stayed! What a change for you to be somewhere that you don't have to do anything. Enjoy your time being.
Susan Weeds site is the one Romedy was talking about. Her book on menopause helped Romedy.
Lauren, you've come so far in understanding yourself and the complexities of passages! Right on with everything you said. Your words are wise, and not tortured anymore with the angst of trying to fit into someone else's box.
Space and time to develop these new archetypes and ways of being is needed for all of us. Bravo!
What a honor and a blessing to watch your Diva-Sage self open to your own potential. Being in your Innocent Child is about once again seeing the world in wonder. Opening your eyes to see it all new, from a new map...Kudos
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