Dreams tell it all, and my dreams lately have been very vivid intense and clear....they have been more like nightmares, more like the ones ive had since childhood ones I have had less of since beginning my work last year...
Last nights dream was one I have had frequently since childhood (although always more complicated and bizarre as I got older)...When I woke up heart racing headache ill feeling startled, I had a sense that this one was ready to be cleared...
It was my guilt and shame over what we (white folks) did to the natives of these land, and what we have done for centuries the shameless guiltless massacre of people in order to OWN land that 'we' felt was 'ours'. Ive had this dream so many times in so many ways I cant even begin...but this one was different in that as the native american spirits were coming back to this camp we were at, they were coming for payback, reparation in blood...everyone was dying around me being killed by these 'silent forces' only i could see them and kept telling the others that we must be respectful of this land and no one was listening until it began getting worse...children being drowned killed hysteria.....i kept searching for my mesa and sage and i found a friend and said i must go in and make peace this is enough, this cycle must end....
Even at this moment I feel so sick so ashamed and guilty, Ive been carrying this for a very long time...and this fear of karmic energy......(this is a lot of my energy fear joy - i realized - a debt to pay).
Has anyone ever seen the movie city of God with patrick Swayze? I love that movie, hes a doctor in India, anyway one of the main characters this Indian father says to his young daughter 'you were only loaned to me by god' - my dad used to say this to us all the time...I feel that way with these gifts we have this land this earth all of it...
I have this deep sadness for war that I havent allowed myself to even tap into for so many years because it hurts way too much...I cant stand the suffering. Really I just cant. I feel responisible through the lineage of this human race, and thats why I keep bumping out and refering to humans in the third person---not that im an alien just that I cant get with this negative vibe surrounding humans.....WE cause hurt too much.
Its funny this month as Ive gone in deeper I realize that it becomes less about my family and more about the original imprints - creation, Adam and Eve etc...these moments where 'we' had a choice and chose to cause suffering instead of peace and love --- this is all of my youngest of young (or I can say oldest of old) stuff as I am clearing deepest depths of me that I came in with that played out around me in my family in 'my' world....and I see the beauty and the love but its so hard to feel the other stuff....which is why I have such a hard time accepting Man Woman (and eventually going back) Human.
As I child I came in with this and thats why I shut it all down because I couldnt take feeling all of this...I need to clear the fear of Karmic debt first but also I think I need to also accept that at creation there was a split and a choice and after rewriting it so many times (as I have since childhood writing my own stories and changing others endings) maybe I can start to forgive and move on and not carry this....this is what my constant attempt at putting it all together is about....we are all one and when, how was that forgotten? how did we let all of this go so far? we must return home is what i have heard since childhood....
This is why i came in feeling like I needed to be forgiven....I never knew why just felt like I needed it desperately I felt such a huge burden of guilt and shame and I needed some sort of 'absolution'---i found my version of absolution last fall and it freed me, but now I need to make sure to slough this part off...it was still clinging dear....
2 comments:
This is the natural progression of clearing.
First your core/self oriented beliefs, then genetic DNA patterns, family maps, then archetypical. Adam and Eve is archetypical.
Bravo! You are clearing at an even deeper level.
I love that Patrick Swayze movie, City of Gold!
And ultimately, as we clear all this, we get to that place where, like we spoke of last night, we can finally forgive--ourselves and others.
I remember as a child being ashamed that I was white and couldn't find any Native American blood in my lineage to make me feel better. Then I read Broke My Heart At Wounded Knee...that about put me over the edge...I was sooo outrage...who the hell do we think we are that we can just take over in places where we had no business doing that and to make justification for why we could be soo cruel...
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