Finding Meaning

So when i move all of the pieces around and around and then clear them out i come back to this point....finding meaning. What is meaningful in my life? How to I find and create meaning? I know the feeling of being completely absolutely in the moment full of happiness full beauty and clarity of everything sustained free wild brave strong creative completely and utterly in love, in life....basically surrendering to it all....letting it all go...is it just that i want it all the time? i mean is that possible? too much to ask?

Then i think about that quote 'life is not measured by the number of breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away'...i love that...and i have had more of those moments then I give credit too...ive lived a very beautiful life. ive loved and been loved by so many people in so many ways. ive seen things and felt things and shared moments that have taken my breath away....these moments are what create meaning in my life whether small silent blissfull painful fleeting infnite finite lasting long explosive...this is what makes my heart beat.

Its the ability to feel all of these things that I needed. So have I been searching for feeling? Was I desensitized for so long that I stopped really feeling....? Had I crossed and tangled and woven all of these things up in a web i couldnt step out of? And now that it is untangled and I am stepping out of this web where do I go? I have been having dreams of spiders and woke up yesterday to a spider right outside my door, then this morning when I woke up it was right before my eyes on the curtain...Is spider telling me its time to weave a new story?

Where do I begin....?

Ive been hearing this song forever byNatasha Bedingfield - 'Unwritten'
and finally really got the words today.....
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way