Shifting the Focus (its long...)

It is the slightest shift thats occurred for me but has had the most noticible sense of change since I shifted from 'sick' to healthy...Im not even sure how exactly it happened, I guess it was gradual...It started off as a change in the way I was feeling about relationships, I found myself not being interested in them anymore, or at least not giving them the energy or the time or thought or attention I had for so long. I must admit there were a few days when I started rejecting them - I was like ew ick I never want to be involved with anyone romantically sexually Im just over it...then that feeling settles down into this feeling now which is a very calm feeling neither for no against them, sort of a kind sensation of indifference. I surely know I will have one I will want one again...there were also a few days where I was like whats wrong with me! Im never going to be able to have one again Im not going to enjoy sex Im going to live alone with cats and my mother! haaha those were all the fears, but like the soaking of the weed before pulling it, by the time it was fully saturated I was fine...I still love the thought of relationships commitments etc, but my commitment is now more than ever to my Self. Shifting this ever so slightly, has been like removing a giant yoke from my neck...Finally I am fully in the picture....I get it now, I get what Joy had been saying what friends had been saying what my therapist ahd been saying (years ago) what my dad said, it doesnt mean getting rid of the idea of relationships moving into a convent and having god be my only lover...it just means hey, lauren shift this so theres room for you to grow to heal to blossom in this area, inside you...

My mom said she was watching Oprah a while ago and all these women of different ages were on, I think it was Ellen Bursten that said the greatest gift the biggest lesson she had learned now in her 50s finally was her relationship with herself was the most significant one whe would have to develop...She said she had always relied on having men around but was never satisfied...

And I just rememebered how it shifting, I came out of sacred relationship with relationships, they stopped feeling good I started feeling angry, bored, I couldnt SEE the person I was with...and I knew I was done. I knew it was ready to shift. The affinity was gone the addiction to the thrill the intensity the anything...it was simply not there. I kow that thats not how I wanted to be....Its funny I also now see that I had done this with my friends and family...Just sort of unconsciously, but (im a little farther ahead on the friends and family) now my relationships with friends are so much more sacred and real feeling, and my relationships with my mom and sister are better than ever they are deeper, more real...and all it took was letting go and time...imagine that...

Im posting this also as my success because, just as I am grateful for everyone and everything around me, I am also so grateful to my Self, for being patient and kind and listening and not judging or running to someone or running somewhere on this...I simply stayed put and committed deeper, surrendered into it. This is one of the biggest lessons Ive finally allowed to process and come in so clearly...Intellectually its easy to see, yes i did this with my 'sick' too, but getting it and getting it in this way with Other has taken time and care with my Self, it has taken me not being afraid to lose Other in my life or reject Other or run like hell from other, being patient and knowing when to pull back and go in without fear that everyone will be gone (abandon me! --ya thats gone!) by the time i get it....it means coming back into balance and harmony with Self without fear and in love.

And now the rewards...I have been to yoga almost daily, something I could never commit to...my body feels great my mind feels great...Im eating better more and consistently, Im working!, Im clear on my vision for the non-profit, Ive developed a 3 yr outline of what I see happening, not that its set in stone, but its just a framework for whats possible in my wildest dreams...(which are the most fun ones!) Im going to my first guitar lesson here today!, Ive been reading non-stop and have been enjoying it...Im getting organized (which is huge) taking care of my finances and keeping tabs on spending ... I have my calender filled with these things, and Im sticking to them, before my time was flexible, I would cancel and not value my plans or schedule...now when I have yoga set in there Im going...if someone asks me to do something its after yoga or whatever appointment I have...It feels so good to value MY time...ME. Thanks to Kathy for the forward, Im going to a workshop on relationships and intimacy tomorrow my Self, which I am excited about...This feeling, is one that now i have I will now how to sustain or at least get back to if I fall from center, much like raw is the center and if I go in any direction I know how to get back if I need to...Its just creating a new idea of 'home' inside Self that feels really sacred.

Thank you all for holding space here while Ive been silently working through some of this...knowing you are here knowing that there are no judgments allows for this kind of growth and sharing and honesty...so I thank you!