Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Almost my 1 year anniversary....

So its been almost a year (march) since I made that choice to live - to be conscious to love myself take care of myself and live my magic my wildest dreams...and in true 'old' lauren form I guess ive decided to ring in the year anniversary with a nasty cold...the last severe one like this was in march last yr and that was when i said enough...it was the type of cold i got almost once a month a flu one that debilitated me kept and at times kept me in bed in tears aching and sore unable to breathe begging my parents not to take me to the hospital....last night was the first time i was clear for days and i kept seeing visions of all of the times i had been sick like 'this'---what was it that i was afraid of? there were times i thought i would die for sure...even as a little child i thought im going to sleep and im not going to wake up....i talked to my mom this morning reviewing several of these moments... remembering her fear and remembering me pretending not to be as sick as i was so she wouldnt worry or think it was her fault....last night i asked to see what i saw then what it was that scared me or worried me...and i watched myself float above the bed i was sick in so many times i saw the whole scene my very pink room (ug pink? did i really choose that! no wonder -like linda- i hate CUTE now!!) anyway i saw myself being taken by the hand of what seemed like an angel in these clouds to a playground with all of these kids...as i was getting ready to run and play i heard a voice say its not your time then something like you have a lot to do or you have a lot of life to live...ok so maybe last night i was feverish and going crazy but i do believe that this was a familiar scene...something i saw and felt each time i was really sick....

i think whether or not this was something that happened is a dumb question...i kept rattling it around last night what is it that im supposed to see is this when i began talking to dead people? seeing angels? was i going to die all those times? were those my near-deaths? or high fevers? new question is so what does this mean to me now?.... I HAVE A LOT OF LIFE TO LIVE. I think these past few weeks i forgot that....i kept buying new stones for my mesa trying to move things around asking why why why? but getting no answer....i felt something was really off...i felt it and i ignored it masked it danced around it but couldnt get to it....i ignored my body that was CLEARLY showing me what i needed...blueberries apple cider vinegar blue green algae, etc, etc....i IGNORED IT ALL!!! DUH!!!! i ask now why was i punishing myself???

i know what my dreams are these wild dreams ive had since childhood...ones ive dreamt for years ones ive started to realize now are real....! i dont know if i just thought hmm this is just a holding pattern until i get back to salt lake so lets just wait around and ignore whats coming in...what the hell was i waiting for? in these weeks ive done a lot of amazing things but ive also shut out my body intuition --- almost saying screw off until it was too late...? i watched my hair fall out break off my skin go completely rough and scaly the yeast come back and i just let it all go??

why did i not act when i heard these voices? why wasnt i listening? what was i afraid of? moving forward? i still dont know yet...the thing is i know better....ive done this for 27 years this game of ignoring? this year is different...this is my year of magical listening. so why did i stop a few weeks shy of my anniversary? i mean its been rocky this year but i havent let it go this far...i havent gotten sick like this? listening.....when i listen i know everything is possible again...i forgot that...ive taken better care of myself these past few days near death feeling than i have in the past few weeks? why did i wait to get this worn out to be kind to me?

what is this year pre-anniversary lesson...?

2 comments:

Rebecca said...

There is a theory, an idea, if you will, that I heard, that kind of makes sense to me. The theory is as a person heals, they go back through what they came through illness wise. It's like going into a tunnel and turning around and coming back out, you experience everything coming out that you experienced going in. It sounds like a bummer, but it should be celebrated as a signal of healing. So a year ago you were terribly sick, now after a year of healing you are experiencing that sickness again. But this time it's a shadow of the original because you are actually healing and have had a year of healing behind you.

It's just an idea I heard. It has lots of logical holes in it, but it kind of makes sense. There are people who claim to have experienced this.

Also, your dream, it reminds me of a couple of Joy's experiences where she was allowed to choose to live. She had to make a decision. Your dream seems like a reminder that you did experience near death episodes, but that you chose to live.

And lastly, I go through the same frustration, I know what to do, why do I end up choosing differently? Am I punishing myself? I think finding health and happiness, for me it's a longer process, I make permanent change like steering the Titanic, slow with lots of course corrections. I guess I don't truly believe it can be done instantaneous, otherwise it would be instant. I just hope you know that you're not alone in your questions and frustrations.

Joy! said...

You know Rebecca, that's very wise! :)
And I just had the same thing Lauren, didn't I?

A year ago, almost exactly, I was in a chronic anaemic state and almost dead, bleeding out.

Here I just went through a mini version of that. It was, as Rebecca said, "a mini version". And rightly so, it was.

It's as if it is a last chance to change your mind. Are you sure you are committed to this? The "this" is the fill-in-the-blank...

In my case, it's coming forward. In your case-you know your piece. Rebecca-what were you doing a year ago and are you feeling an echo now?