SOMATIC SELF AND HIDING FROM OUR EMOTIONS

We know that emotions are in our intestinal tract. We have more neurons in our Somatic body than in our central nervous system. Your somatic self is what I call your "Primary" brain. First and foremost we are a feeding organism. The intestinal tract (which really runs from your mouth to your anus) chooses, confronts, digests and absorbs what feeds us, both nutritionally as well as emotionally. Yep, your somatic self is a sensing organism. It has to be! And we have been trained to ignore it for the most part, or override it, or be intimidated by it, but certainly we were not trained to honor it, respect it or value the information it gives us.

All the greens are clearing me at such a deep level and in an almost uncomfortable way. I looked at the glass of greens this morning and thought "I can't!" But I did. I like them! I do! But I knew when I drank it that something was going on inside me.

I was well fed today. I had the vege rolls Jac suggested, and an avocado before we left for the Lotus to look for some more rocks (God help us-we are rock nuts). I suddenly had such a drop in my blood sugar that I sat on the floor in the store and felt like I was going to pass out. Hmmmm. I had been directly working on blood and mind programs-releasing secrets. Well well well. "How close are you to passing out?" asked Lauren.

I smiled as I sat on the floor. "Pretty close!" It made no rational physical sense. I had eaten. I was rested. I was not "consciously" stressed. Linda went to the car and got a Larabar for me, which helped. But what was really going on?

I had been agitated all day. I had fought something during the night and I woke tired. What was up? I wasn't feeling chipper today. I felt grumpy. I was annoyed too when we had no heat this morning even though the landlords were there and working on the boiler. I felt pissy! I didn't want to be cold! I realized the old program would be to eat something. I don't like that agitated feeling. I usually stuff it. How old was I anyway? I didn't ask. No one asked. We got busy and did a very left brain note taking sort of day, which frankly relieved us all! :)

Last night I had 3 disturbing dreams. All were about my emotional body, the role being dream-played by my beautiful black cat Coco. Dream 3 she was being attacked by this ugly sick looking cat...hmmm...I wanted her to leave it alone completely...a mangy red and yellow cat that looked like it had been left in the dryer way too long...doesn't take a genius to figure that one out. Coco did get too close, and this thing that appeared to be half dead and inattentive-attacker her. I was me, adult, looking down from above. I was much much bigger than this ugly mangy cat that was tottering around half dead, beast mostly slain but still a danger it seemed. Habit? I tried to stick my foot inbetween them-a really half assed attempt I will admit, but you know what I noticed? Coco was doing just fine. She engaged, conquered and was done with it. Hmmmm. It wasn't even a match.

In dream 1 Coco was absolutely reveling in blue flames, rolling in them, unhurt, just fine. 3 burners worth of flames coming up out of the ground. Reminding me fire transforms? Reminding me that fire is friendly? I was trying to get her out, mildly afraid I would be burned, mildly afraid she would be. I was almost sure I could smell burning fur. In the dream I kept expecting to see her fry or melt or suddenly howl-but no. Ok ok. Got that one too.

The second dream-blank. Almost.I remember something-flat looking yellow eyes and a squat face. I woke up unable to really breathe. Lungs cleared in about a half hour. Something there? Oh yea. I've seen those eyes before. I woke off and on all night. I remember thinking it was because I had had the soup late, and I could feel it in my intestines. I vowed sleepily to make sure I ate earlier from now on because this disturbance wasn't fun. It was be intestinal emotional memory coming up from all the greens. Yeah, I knew that.

But my gremlins came out in the store as I sat there on the floor. "You need to eat something RIGHT NOW. Forget this vegetable and fruit stuff. Stop at Molca Salsa and get some eggs. Go get some protein. Your blood sugars are off. Come on, eat why don't you! You can't keep doing this. This doesn't make any sense." Blah blah blah. And that pervasive "you know you probably haven't lost any weight anyway. It's not like you are going to blow anything. Come on. No one is going to know. And you don't have to be perfect. This is raw - ish. You can start again tomorrow. You are getting SICK! Come on. EAT!"

I felt depressed. Then I remembered the deep sense of grief and congestion when I woke up this morning. I couldn't breathe. My chest was tight. Hmmmm. But I stayed in charge. I noticed it all. It was fascinating to clearly feel it all over my body.

I realized that my distraction programs were kicking it up a notch to get me to stop. What was the point of getting me to stop? I must be getting too close to buried treasure! It's a bit like the Momma bird that plays wounded to distract from the predator getting too close to the nest. I was too close to something, and I didn't even "know" what it was.

I stopped at the grocery store on the way home. It is damn cold up here. Minus numbers. I sat in the car and tried to talk myself out of going in. I told myself I could have absolutely anything I wanted though. I bought 4 cans of sliced pickled beets. Beets? I had been thinking of them all day I realized. Pickled beets. I came home and had a can of beets to myself with olive oil and garlic, lots of celtic salt and pepper and raw pinenuts. Oh heaven! I ate every single one. I had another bowl of my green soup, warmed. I had made it the night before. Rebecca, make a vege soup because it helps alot to have some warm soup when this hits. I felt totally satisfied, and I had truly eaten what I wanted. I made a big bowl of avocado and tangerine slices with olive oil but was too full to even attempt to eat it. But why beets I wondered?

Funny thing about beets-I ate exactly what my body needed nutritionally! Beets are excellent for blood, and are a great source of iron, calcium, sulfur and potassium, as well as beta carotene and C. And guess what. Beets contribute directly to the LIVER and GALLBLADDER, and stimulate the LYMPHS, so it all makes perfect sense! Beets stimulate bile, and help to flush the KIDNEYS.

Emotionally-I had been feeling angry, which is LIVER, and I woke feeling congestion which is LYMPH, and pissy-that's KIDNEYS, and I was trying to sort things out to release them-also KIDNEYS. I was trying to keep "secrets" from myself, which means the BLOOD, and feeling that tired feeling-BONES, so calcium. And calcium is about communication with self. Bone programs kick in when we don't want to move towards something and when we are trying to keep secrets in. Wow. I listened to my body, and it really did pick a nutritional solution! My BODY did. My MIND wanted to distract me, bad.

All the greens-Garlic reduces blood pressure. Parsley helps cleanse the liver and kidneys and stimulates the intestines-that's my soup which I had last night and this morning, as well as again tonight. Hmmmm. It's also in those green juices every morning. And spinach. Spinach stimulates the liver, lymphs and blood. Wheatgrass-duplicates the hemoglobin of blood and again, stimulates the kidneys and liver to cleanse as well as the urinary tract.

In letting my body really decide on the food, it made the right choices based on what was trying to release. I'm really going to bed feeling quite pleased now and much less defeated than I was feeling today. I am releasing instead of holding and hiding and fighting. That's big for me.