I dont know why I've been waiting to post...maybe it was some fear that I really dont know much about raw or what I'm doing, how I've even gotten here, or where it is that I'm going? After months and months of very intense healing work (being raw, doing cleanses, weekly colonics, weekly cranio-sacral and hellerwork), i found myself again at what seems like a beginning...a point where I still question why I chose all of this...why I chose to change my life so completely so drastically to become something so different, new, still foreign, but oddly familiar, to change relationships to end meaningful ones or ones that had once been or seemed like my life line?...I have to ask, why am I doing this? Was I really living before? Was I alive, truly alive? Had I been living my entire life with fear? Fear of being something great fear or not being something great, fear of being sick being healthy, being loved being unloved...I was scared.
Ive lived 27 year of my life severely sick (both physically and emotionally), unconscious and afraid...of course their were highlights of jumps off of cliffs and other death defying stunts, love like i never thought i would experience, beauty like I had never dared to imagine, schooling, travels, stories, sounds, smells, amazing years of magic....BUT...i was insatiable...a monster... i couldnt get enough of anything, food, shopping, things, stuff, love, life....something...something was missing...there was a landscape i hadnt seen i had ignored, i had hidden deep inside where no one, not even me could find...I wasnt really afraid of the outside world...I can do that well... I thought..... a smile here, love someone there, a shopping spree, a pizza, 2 bags of chips, a few burgers, cakes...just keep going lauren you are bound to find something that will fill you up one of these days....
I was so desperately afraid of what I might find inside if i began to dig if I just stopped...what if there was nothing in there??? I was so scared that someone would find out that it was all a game...a trick...that this girl they were looking at was really a ghost....how could anyone ever love a ghost?
I thought I had experienced all kinds of love but something was always missing I was still unsatisfied always searching because I had never attempted true self-love. In March I made a conscious (conscious being the key word) decision to live to really live...So I began with diet....RAW cold turkey...(or mock turkey heh heh)...When I went to Raw culinary school in June I remember the instructor saying 'you cant do this if you dont want to change because everything around you will change' --- how very true..... and be prepared!
Of course its hard of course I wake up many days like today wondering why I opened this box up why it wont stop opening and what it is that I am searching for....there are days i wonder why I dont just shove a doughnut in my mouth grab a coke and smoke some cigarettes watch reruns of roseanne and cancel the world...and there is my answer...I say now before I do something 'am i doing this to remember or to forget?' Even if my choice is to forget I am at least conscious of what I am doing.
Its really just a choice of how you want to live this life this one life....I had lived the first 26 unconscious...At 27 I said no more...RAW allows you to find a center a consciousness so if you deviate too far in either direction you remember what it feels like to get back there your body has a home base. (Not to mention gets rid of allergies, asthma, CFS, depression, hypoglycemia, need i say more?) The key is not beating yourself up, being patient, and being loving to you your real you the you youve hidden, or chosen to ignore, sacrificed for others, or beaten-up over the years.
This morning, (as I welcomed in the new year at Flow Yoga doing 108 Sun Salutations-- something I'd never done and didnt even know how to do --with 20 strangers in Salt Lake City while here taking Shamanic classes and Theta with JOY), this New York City born and raised girl looked around and said wow how in the hell did I get here? This has been an amazing journey and there is so much more ahead of me!! I wish you all the best of luck on your journey's toward finding your RAW self.
If anyone has any questions please feel free to email me! We cant do it alone...! lstern@gmail.com
Happy New Year!
Lauren
ps. sorry so long!
4 comments:
Greetings to you Lauren, our inspiration and example! :)
RAW. So funny. I was just telling my husband that 6 mns ago I was telling my class that I couldn't possibly go vegetarian. I loved my eggs, and cheese, and I really liked fish, and it just wouldn't be something I could do.
And now I'm almost a month of RAW!
Hi, Lauren, Welcome to the blog!
Wonderful post, thank you for sharing your experiences and knowledge with us newbies, thanks for being here. I hope we can be a support to you too.
I love your questions. Why am I doing this? I should ask myself that for everything I do. Am I on autopilot? Going through the motions? Trying to numb out? Am I consciously living while doing this?
Was I really living before? I wasn't, but I want to, I want to consciously live. I know I've lived my life in fear of ALL the things you listed, being great, not great, being loved, not loved. So profound. Now I'm livng my life in fear of getting very sick, sicker than I already am. I see this raw "diet" as the answer.
I'm ready to find a center, a home base and I'm ready for things to change!!! I believe all things happen for a reason, so I look to that night we all met for dinner at the Living Cuisine as being fateful for me. So thank you! Thank you for inspiring Joy! Thank you for being willing to answer questions. Don't worry about long posts. Good luck and blessings to you for all your projects. :)
Lauren my dear-
one thing. You said we can't do it alone.
We can. We have. We could do it that way again.
Ick.
And let's not! :)
It isn't as much fun, and why would we want to when it's SO much MORE fun to do it together?
It's the old way, to do it alone, in secret, with some sort of shroud of shame for daring to be different and daring to break the rules.
Oh yes! Let's do it together, living it loud and light! :)
Lauren thank you so much for sharing yourself with us. I have been sitting on the fence post of being totally vegetarian for several years now. I did eat fish, got to have the protein..lol. I am still not totally converted over, but I would say I'm about 90% Raw. I love your insights to yourself and I know many of us are experience those same insights. My feeling is its about stopping long enough to say I love myself ENOUGH to....
It is all about community, the going it alone is sooo not necessary. Thanks again for your inspiration and I hope to meet you soon. Living Lightly...
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